What's Left of Me

Random Thoughts & Confessions

2011-12-20T20:30:00.000-06:00

One of my blog friends has a thing where she posts "Confessions" from time to time. I always get a kick out of reading them. I sort of felt like spitting out a whole list of my confessions and random thoughts today.. and here it goes:)

1. I am obsessed with Pepsi and any kind of fattening food.. Since starting a full-time job, I've found it alot easier to order out instead of pack a healthier lunch the night before. It doesn't help that I find healthy foods not very tasty:)

2. I'm about 5 mintues behind schedule (a.k.a late) on most occasions. I blame this on genetics; although, I did not get this from either of my parents.... I do have family like this:)

3. I love sleeping in and taking naps every day of the weekend...

4. I'm obsessed with People.com and most magazines...

5. I love shopping ALL the time and probably spend way too much money on it!!

6. I'm very self-conscious. I pick out everything that I think is wrong with me and let it control my thoughts. In other words, I'm my own worst enemy...

7. I'm a worry wart. I let silly things creep into my mind and I worry about it.

If you didn't think I was a little crazy before reading this then I'm sure it's now confirmed! :)

The point of this post was this: I am not perfect. My life will always be a "work in progress."

Thankful

2011-12-01T20:06:00.002-06:00

I know I'm a few weeks late... but I am just now getting the time to post about all of my many, many blessings!!!

I'm so thankful for:

-my family and friends for loving me more than they should:)

-having a job that I absolutely love..

-my 17 kiddos that help me to form abs throughout the day from laughing so hard (they say the funniest things!)... on a serious note they give me purpose and have blessed my life in so many ways..

-Extreme Makeover Home Edition for showing me what giving and selflessness is all about..

-Insanity workouts for kicking my butt back into shape!!

-being healthy and able to enjoy everything in life

-the 22 years God has blessed me with

-memories

-my warm, cozy home

and last but certainly not least..

-my Jesus and his amazing grace

iLASIK

2011-11-14T20:30:00.004-06:00

I'm set for Lasik eye surgery this Thursday and there are soo many emotions going through my head. Most of all I'm excited, but I'm also scared, nervous, anxious, etc. I've had to go through 2 pre-op exams because my eyes were not cooperating and I'm already on Restasis because of my severe dry eye problem. Hopefully everthing goes well on Thursday and I'll be back to work on Friday!! Say a little prayer for me on Thursday:)

I had to add some pictures of my dad after he got it done in 2002. These are soo precious!!

Here is my last photo taken with glasses, hopefully until I reach my 40's ha!!!

Quick Post!

2011-08-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

I am extremely tired and worn out, so I'm on my way to bed... but before my head hits the pillow I wanted to express how blessed life feels right now. I have accomplished a life-long dream of teaching and I couldn't love it anymore. The other night I went into my classroom, hit my knees, and just prayed for each little person in my room. It's amazing to know that God chose me for this job and picked these 17 students for me to share the next 170 some days with. I feel blessed beyond words!! This year seems to be flying by already, but I can't wait to see what this year has in store for my students and for myself!! :)

Brittany

2011-07-26T14:56:00.002-05:00

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!! I'm a new teacher at Barr-Reeve Elementary!! I am beyond thrilled for this opportunity and super excited to begin!! Now that this title is finally sinking in I am beginning to get very anxious to start planning lessons, decorating a classroom, and buying tons of stuff :) I will hopefully find out which grade I will be teaching on Wed. or Thurs., but I have a feeling I'll either be in Kindergarten or 1st grade. It is amazing how quickly things can fall together when only 2 months ago I felt like I had no direction as to where I was headed in my life. Now I atleast know that I'm meant to be here, which is right where I wanted to be :) God is sooooo good!!!

I'll be sure to post lots of pics when I get my classroom all set up. But right now all that I have done is a notebook full of pictures, classroom ideas, and books ready to be ordered haha! I hope August 10th doesn't come too quickly!

The Dash

2011-07-18T17:57:00.002-05:00

We received this little book from my dad's funeral and I sat down to read it for the first time the other night... I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

I read of a mon who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on his tombstone from the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first cam the date of his birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that he spent alive on earth and now only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own, the cars... the house... the cash... What matters is how we live and love... and how we spend our dash.

So you think about this long and hard; are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real... and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives... like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read... with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say... about how you spent your dash?

I fell in love with this little poem only because it speaks so much! It's so so easy to forget what is important in life at times :)

~JM~

Melissa & Eric's Wedding

2011-06-19T21:04:00.006-05:00

This weekend I got to take part in a friend's wedding that I've known all of my life!! I felt so honored to be able to stand beside her on her big day... It seems only yesterday that we were playing "wedding" and I always made her be the groom so I could be the bride haha! They took off this morning for Jamaica- I can't wait to hear all about it!!!! Here are some pictures of the big day:

Unknown Future

2011-05-01T21:28:00.006-05:00

As I get closer and closer to my college graduation, I get a little more nervous and anxious about what's around the corner. Where do I go next? I really have no idea. I'm at a "fill-in-the-blank" part of life, except I don't know what to put in the blank. I'm graduating college without a job; as of now there will be no teaching openings for next year; I'm without the security of knowing that the next year will be any better, and I just told the guy that I thought I would one day marry goodbye. I feel so lost and down in the dumps about the future when I should be excited. I don't know how to be excited about the place that I'm at right now because I'm always the one that plans ahead...I know what I want out of life, but it still isn't here. I need to learn to be patient, but I'm not good at it. I have so many blanks, so many questions to ask...when to I get to find the answers????

Some pics of my graduation party:

My sis, one of my besties, and baby Mason at my graduation party
Some of my best friends from high school :)
I felt so, so blessed by all of the loving & supportive friends and family that came today!! God bless all of you!

2011-04-21T20:27:00.002-05:00

On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door and bark at anyone who comes near or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you the other ten years back." God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, and make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. The dog gave you ten years back, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years." The man said, "What?! Only 20 years? Tell you what... I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back. That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal!"

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next 40 years we slave away in the sun to support our family; the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to enterain the grandchildren; and the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I found this on a website and thought it was cute and mostly true!! :) Hope everyone has a blessed Easter!

Florida Favorites

2011-04-05T19:38:00.004-05:00

Time to enjoy the sunshine...

Beautiful scenery

Visiting family we rarely get to see..

Playing cards with the Miller family..

Parasailing..

Pretty painted toe nails...

and lovely family photos.. :)

One of my favs!!!

New Babies...

2011-03-15T16:33:00.005-06:00

These past couple months have been filled with babies- literally!! I've fallen so in love with these two precious little bundles, so I thought I had better show them off:)

Mason & Nyah

Nyah Jalaine Knepp

Mason David Graber

Love it!!!

Constant Struggle

2011-01-23T22:17:00.004-06:00

Here I am, sitting in bed, with a million thoughts running through my head. I know I'm not alone in this struggle... people do it everyday, but I seem to be continually setting myself up for failure. Failure of not meeting my own standards. Sounds like something is missing, right?.... Where do I put God's plans in this mix of my own? Do I really think that I know what is better for me than my own Maker? It's a struggle each day I rise.. I make my own plans for my day, for my future, and I don't include God in any of them. I have all of these ideas or plans of what I want accomplished at specific points in my life and when I fail to meet them, I'm left feeling so empty and disappointed. I'm tired of that feeling.... but, until I learn to take each day as it is and look to my Savior for direction, I will continue to feel those emotions.

Please pray for me to give my plans to God, not just my daily plans, but life-long plans as well. I need to change my direction.

Cut Off!

2011-01-17T21:33:00.004-06:00

I'm gonna do it!!!! All of my long, long, hair is going to be chopped off on Friday!! I want something that is easy and less time-consuming; something simple and quick for my mornings that always seem so rushed! :) My extra ten+ minutes to sleep in will be well worth the cut (I hope!). This is the syle I'm goin' for...

Thoughts?!!?

Erica Update

2011-01-05T22:29:00.002-06:00

Erica went to see the specialist on Monday and the tumor is not originally where they thought it was. Now it seems to be right behind the eyes and under the brain. On a good note- it is appearing to be non-cancerous, but she will still have to undergo surgery to have it removed because it is too large for them to shrink it?! On a bad note- the surgery will be tough on her! She will have to have her head shaved and they will saw her head open to get the tumor out. She will also lose her sense of smell permanently because of the direction they have to go in. :( and recovery could take up to 3 months!! Please keep praying!! It would be miraculous for her not to have surgery, but right now that looks like the only option. Erica also started a blog to document this journey @ ericaalston.blogspot.com!

*I've also began my Project 365 and decided to create a blog for that @ project365album.blogspot.com! A photo a day is alot harder than what you would think!! :)

Please lift up this family!!!

2011-01-02T18:34:00.004-06:00

My first cousin on my dad's side of the family, Erica Alston (my dad's neice), went in to have an MRI because of the frequent headaches she had been having. What they found was not so good- she has a golf ball sized tumor on the left side of her brain. She goes in to see a specialist first thing Monday morning to learn more about what needs to happen in order to get rid of this tumor. Please lift this family up in your prayers!!! I'll keep posted what is found out Monday.

Erica Alston
Her beautiful daughter, Allyah

The Alston's

Thank you bloggers!!!

December 2010

2010-12-29T16:21:00.005-06:00

December is always one of my favorites months of the year just because of all of the fun and exciting things we do as a family, and also because it's Christmas :) I've been so bad about updating with pictures lately, so I decided to just do it all in one post!
I got to see Carrie Underwood in Evansville on December 2nd!!

Briona's First Chorus Program at BR

Girls' Night for Christmas Exchange- two new babies to arrive soon!!! :)

Bri is finally back in basketball after being out for 6 weeks for a broken thumb

I love watching her play!

Opening a few on Christmas Eve

Grandma's for Christmas Eve

Grandma & Courtney

I loooooove the Kardashians :)

Early morning Christmas gifts before family dinners!!

My lovebug:)

I feel soo blessed for this month of December- it's so easy to forget what all I have to be thankful for! Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas!!!!

A Social Network Christmas

2010-12-20T21:38:00.000-06:00

Photo-a-Day

2010-11-22T19:42:00.004-06:00

I found this clip from a friend's page and I thought it sounded like a really cool idea to try out, especially with the new year right around the corner!! I think this might be my New Year's resolution since I can't seem to keep any others:) Let me know what you think!!!

My Project 365 Album is set to start Jan. 1st! Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Letter from Jamie

2010-11-03T12:48:00.002-06:00

My letter to Jim:

I am sitting here on November 3rd, 2010 and just can't believe that today marks two years without you.

There have been so many things that have happened but I can't even begin to tell you everything. Just know that I have missed you from the very core of my being. I know we didn't have a perfect marriage and we were very different people, that is for sure, but we had a bond that I know we would have never broken. I know you felt the same way. We actually enjoyed each others company and we both loved to do a lot of the same things. But most importantly we had three beautiful girls that we both loved and adored and wanted to always be a family that was in it together. And we were!!!

I remember that last day, November 2nd before we left for church, you sat on the couch just waiting on my craziness to get ready and you said, "Jamie, you are gonna have to just start relaxing a little bit. Slow down." And I looked at you with a smirk and said "easy for you to say."

I look back at that time and wonder what I thought I was so busy about. I had no idea just how 'busy' I would become. We were a team, Jim, a good team! We shared everything... from the housecleaning to the girls' homework to the running them here and there to me being there in the morning to you being there in the afternoon. You did all the outside work (I supervised lol and brought you drinks and biscuits/gravy). I did most of the inside work. We shared the financial part of it. I am so lost without you. I feel like I am overloaded and overwhelmed most of the time. I have a harder time relaxing and enjoying life more now than I ever did two years ago!

And yet I have to try. I find myself looking forward to my girls being raised and out of school so that I know they "made it" and they are the people that God wants, and what you and I strived for. And yet when I do that I am going to miss the fun in just being with them, and enjoying them... and oh that hurts. So I will try, really try, to find that balance without you. But yet I know that I can't possibly be two parents and I wonder how can this be "God's plan?" I know there are so many children who don't have a dad who is around by choice.. so why take one who does? God's plan is one where there is a united family with one mom and one dad who stays together for the good of their family. Right?

You don't know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone to tell you something, to get your opinion about this or that, or to be excited about sharing something good. For instance, the first time Brittany made all A's in college (Wow!!), the tough time when Briona wanted to quit softball, then Baleigh quit softball but not before she made the most amazing catch in the outfield in the first Jim Miller Classic softball tourney ( you were that angel in the outfield I know and believe it!); and then Briona has developed into this beautiful, tall young lady and I need to talk to you about the boys and how much do I let her do and like I so need you to be there so those boys know they better not mess with our daughter, and I need you to talk to Baleigh to encourage her since her personality is so much like you use to be, and if you could see her play volleyball (Wow!). I really needed you here when Briona quit volleyball. I just couldn't stand it and I felt helpless and really needed you then. Then, of course, there is the 8th grade drama that you and I thought 'Beetle' would get to miss. Wrong. So I needed you to share my hurts and concerns to because after all you are the only one who understands my girls like I do.

If only we could have had you for a couple more years, to get through these teenage years, and so you could truly have witnessed their ballgames, and to see Brittany graduate with top honors in college. You did so much of the leg work, but never got to see them excel. You would be so proud. And you deserved to see it.

We went to be with Brittany last night in Evansville. We looked at pictures and the funeral slide show. On the way home this morning, it started to rain. It hasn't rained for weeks. I was thinking about us driving and I thought they were tears from you. But then I thought that can't be because there are no tears in Heaven, so I guess they represent my feelings.

So, in closing for now, I just want you to know that you are still so missed and always will be. There have been so many texts from family and friends who still remember and care about us. I feel so blessed. You touched a lot of lives, and I will try to live by your motto "Relax and enjoy life!!" You did such a great job of that!!!! I will do my best for our girls. It will never be the same, though. You were too important in our lives.

All my love,
Jamie

Letter to Daddy - Sent with love

2010-10-25T20:35:00.002-05:00

Dear Daddy,

With November right around the corner I've been starting to have these thoughts again. Thoughts of the last day. Getting the phone call. Things I wish I would've done differently. Wishing I would have stayed on the phone with you for just a little while longer that last day. But then I'm knocked back into reality and I realize that what's done is done... there is no going back, no last hug, no last "I love you," no last goodbye. I know exactly what you would be telling me right now- you would tell me that it's okay to move on, actually you would probably make sure that I do. You always hated seeing me hurt and I always knew that look you got in your eyes when you were wishing you could protect me from all the pain in this world, but instead you would stand beside me through it all. Now I'm just having trouble remembering to look up instead of to my right or left- where you should still be. I know I am not God and that I do not see the bigger picture right now, but at times my memory makes me hurt more than less. I'm still learning... Learning to be still when my mind wants to wonder thru all of the 'what ifs,' learning to cling to someone else instead of bottling it up, learning that my heart will never fully mend, and learning that missing you will never get easier. In all of my life lessons, this is the one area you never prepared me for- you never taught me how to live without you, probably because you never thought I would have to. I know all of this may seem silly to you, with you being in Heaven and all, but sometimes it feels good just to get all of this stuff off my chest. It really weighs me down at times. Having said all of this, I just wanted to tell you that I love you so, so much and I miss you with a pain that I've never known before. As many years as I continue to age, I will never forget your memory, or the love that you always gave me even though I didn't always deserve it. I want to thank you for not only being a father, but also a friend and so many other things to me. Words will never express how thankful I am that God allowed you to be my daddy for 19 years. And don't worry, I'll 'have fun and be safe' as you always told me before I left.

Can't wait to see you again... Love your daughter, Brittany.

Life the past month and a half

2010-10-12T01:13:00.005-05:00

Concerts..

Shooting a music video with Jason Clutter!!

Volleyball games..

and more volleyball games...

Friends :)

Mud Volleyball 2010

High School buddies ;)

And growing baby bumps!!!!! (Regina & Danielle)

School has been in full swing for 7 weeks and it seems that life has a way of flying by without much time to sit back and reflect on what all is going on around me!! I would much rather be busy than bored though, because business keeps my sad thoughts at bay (November will mark 2 years that my dad has been gone- unbelievable). Lately I've been very busy with school, Praxis II stuff, graduation requirements, the girls' volleyball games, trying to find time to fit into 2 teenage lives (key word: trying), and all the other busy stuff everyday life entails...

About 4 weeks ago, I started working at the Children's Center at USI for a couple hours, three times a week, and although it's been difficult learning the ropes, there is this one experience that keeps popping into my head and it keeps me going... The 2's Room recently got a new little girl who had trouble adjusting and wasn't comfortable being touched, or near other adults besides her parents. This little girl came in, clinging to her daddy, not wanting to let go. I could see fear written all over her face. He introduced her to us and set her down on the steps, trying to fade into the background. She immediately sat in the corner and kept to herself. I just watched her for a little while... we would make eye contact every few seconds and then she would glance away. Ater a few minutes I went and sat on the steps, a few feet away from her, and started talking about things in the room or whatever came to mind and just let her listen. After a few more minutes I moved to the bottom of the steps... a few minutes after that, she came down the stairs too. She looked a little wobbly climbing down those stairs, so I slowly reached out my hand to her, she looked at me for a minute, and then she took it!!! Her dad was standing furthur back and I could tell he was excited. He told me he was very suprised she reached out for me and that she seemed comfortable around me for some reason. She was my little buddy for the rest of the day.

That experience is what makes teaching so exciting for me- it's that one child that no one can seem to get to or understand and by one simple gesture of kindness, all of that fear of letting someone in is gone. It's one of the most amazing feelings...

Senior Year Begins

2010-08-28T10:28:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is.... Another school year begins, and this time it will be my last!!! I cannot believe that 3 years of school has flown by so quickly and I am left facing my final year of college, student teaching, Praxis II examinations, a diploma, and then finally the nerve-wracking job searching. My heart has been so anxious with the fear of not being able to find a job, but I have to leave that to God. He knows where He wants me and He has the timing of it already planned out. I just have to remember that my ways are not His ways (so much easier said than done!).

We have been busy, busy with Briona (freshman) & Baleigh's (8th) volleyball games (5 total for this week!!). I will be so, so happy when they are both in high school so that mom & I will only have one vball schedule and don't have to stress about splitting up when they both play on the same night. My heart aches that it causes so much worry, wondering which child we will watch on certain nights and then switch for the next. I just hope they know that they are sooo loved, and that even if they may only have one fan sitting in the bleachers, they have two fathers in heaven cheering louder than the whole gym combined.

Tomorrow the whole family gathers at gma's for a yummy Sunday dinner before I head off to school! I am so blessed to have such a close family... The Lord knew we were going to need it!!!!
Hope everyone has a good week!!!

Until next time,
JM

Confusion, Lies, and Emptiness

2010-08-02T23:08:00.003-05:00

Tonight I'm writing with a heart full of confusion. Confusion in myself, in my heart, and in my head. I don't understand the emotions going thru me, or the reasons why i'm feeling this way. I guess I should start at the beginning so you can understand where I'm coming from. (This is taking a lot of strength in me to be so open and share this with the 'blogger world' but something in my heart is telling me to write, so here I am).

About 4 months ago, I met someone that I started to fall for quickly. I loved his personality, his work ethic, and his way of loving life and all of that combined intrigued me to find out more about him, and who he was as a person. Along the way, there were red flags that I didn't understand, and I shrugged them off because I thought I knew him and what I was doing, but in the end I was completely mistaken. The more I got to know him, the more I believed this lie that he was feeding me about who he was, and the lies that I kept telling my heart. On July 5th all of these lies came out; I understood why I was feeling these uncertainties with him, and why I kept shrugging them off. In the end, he was not only dating me, but seeing 2 others on the side, and lying to me throughout it all. The good thing that I've learned since then is that I should listen to the 'red flags' going through my head and allow them to question my heart, and my intentions. I am happy to say that I'm completely done with that whole mess and my heart has since moved on.

Present Day: Last night, I went on a date with a guy that is perfect in almost every way. He's respectful, thoughtful, funny, caring, goal-oriented, and the list could go on and on.... Last night he did everything right; from planning the date without any input from me, to dropping me off and walking me to the front door with every good intention of doing it again. The only problem was, I felt that something was missing. I don't know what it was because this guy has everything I want in someone, but my heart felt empty. I cried myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me... Here is this perfect guy that would treat me like a queen, and I feel completely shut down by the entire situation. Here is someone that would date me, and only me, and I don't want it. I guess what I'm feeling now is that I'm scared that I'm searching for something that isn't real, or that I'll never find it. I feel like something is wrong with me for not wanting to give this a chance, but I just can't help it.

I hope by this point you don't think I'm crazy. I guess what I need right now is a little prayer, or maybe a piece of advice so that I know I'm normal to feel this way:) Thank you for understanding, fellow bloggers.

Lots of love,
Brittany

Mid-Summer Quick Update

2010-07-20T08:46:00.004-05:00

1. Summer class: check
2. Car-shopping: done!!
3. Jim Miller Classic: amazing & very successful!!!
4. Enjoying the rest of summer vacation: yes, yes, yes:)

My new car: Nissan Altima!!

July 4- Evansville

2nd Annual Jim Miller Classic: July 8-12, 2010

Me and bay-bay watching games in the hot, summer heat!
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am!!!!

~JM~

Goodbye Mustang

2010-07-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

I recently put the "For Sale" sign up on my car, and got news from an interested girl a few days later who will most likely be the one to drive away with it!! It's going to be a little tough for me to part ways with it (I know; I'm sentimental!) because it holds a special memory of my dad bringing it home to me.

Around 15, my parents and I started discussing cars and it came down to about 2-3 that we started looking at. Of course, I was the only one that was set on a Mustang- that's the only one I wanted!! A few months later, my dad went away on a "business trip" that I did not know the whereabouts of or why he was going, so I kissed him goodbye and welcomed him home a couple days later. He picked me up from softball practice the day he returned home and we had our usual conversations from the field until we pulled in the drive. To this day, I can still remember the look on his face when he parked his truck, reached down to grab something, and pulled up a single key saying, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you- I brought something home for ya!" I grabbed the key, tore into the garage, ripped off the cover they had over the car, and suprise- there set the exact Mustang that I had wanted!! What a spoiled girl I was on that very day, I had my dream car that I didn't deserve, and two healthy, loving parents celebrating a big milestone in my life with me, never thinking that one far-off day I would be celebrating milestones with only one parent... Thank you, Jesus, for memories!

~JM~

My Montage 6/20/10

2010-06-20T15:31:00.001-05:00

Father's Day 2010

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Briona's Poem

2010-06-01T22:26:00.005-05:00

This beautiful girl turned 15 on the 23rd...

and is the author of this beautiful poem...

Death

Who says death in a family is easy?

Death in a family can make a family stronger

or break a family and cause some drama.

When you go to sleep at night you think everything is fine,

you can think of a good thought

or how life is treating you good.

That thought can change in a blink of an eye,

waking up to a phone call at 11 or 12 a.m.

hearing your dad is in the hospital miles away.

Fear is in my body, leaving me with not knowing what to think.

I want to think it is just a minor thing

but that can change too.

When we arrive to the hospital we are told the horrifying news,

that my dad just passed away an hour before we got there.

You can hear the passion of care and hurt in the doctor's voice.

But what to think and do is the question.

Should I be angry, scared, or sick?

All I can see is screaming, kicking, and crying

and all I think is why, why, why?

As I fall to the ground bursting into tears.

Morning comes and we arrive home and the news is around

people show up to tell us how sorry they are.

They say they hurt also, but do they hurt as bad as we do?

They say they know what we're going through,

but do they really know how hurt we are, how much we have cried already,

or possibly how hard it will be to go to sleep at night,

knowing I lost my best friend, my dad?

In the end, it feels like my heart got ripped out of me,

so much pain is inside of me that won't come out,

so much for a fourteen year old to handle at a young age.

And it will never change.

As soon as I read this poem, I wanted to yell out to God asking, "Why would you let this little girl suffer so much pain before she even enters high school? Why must she and her younger sister go through life without their daddy beside them; hearing other girls her age talk and love on their daddies while her hands are empty?" It is unfair. Period. No explanation, no understanding, just plain and simply unfair. My heart and soul will never understand this unfairness, but I have to keep going, because the sun keeps rising and setting, and cars keep flying by me as if my life is the same as it was a year and seven months ago..... But it's not. When I feel that I have no tears left to cry, and no pain left to squeeze out, sometimes I can see this....

....and for one split second, the pain is gone....

Summer thus far..

2010-05-15T10:39:00.004-05:00

Well, I've been out of school for 2 weeks and haven't found the time to update!!! Last weekend, me and a few friends traveled down to Nashville to go on a 3 mile walk for The Children's Tumor Foundation for little Adrian Wagler!! She is such a sweet little girl and I pray that one day soon they will be able to find a cure to this disease so that she may live the life all little girls deserve...
Wednesday morning I started a sore throat and I thought it would pass, as it normally does, but Thursday morning I woke up not feeling much better so I made a trip to Quickcare and sure enough it was strep throat! I hate being sick and the antibiotics I'm on make me feel even sicker!!
On Thursday a good friend of mine (Brooke) left for Zambia to do some mission work, so I wanted to ask for prayer for safety and as she works with children and the people there while she spreads the love of God!!! She will be there until mid-July!!
I also signed up for a chemistry summer class (which I'm now regretting :)) but I thought it would be nice to get it out of the way so that in the fall I will only have 12 hours of classes and more time to spend on preparing for student teaching and graduation!!!
Hopefully I'll find the time to update with some pics soon :)...
~JM~

Alan Jackson

2010-05-04T09:47:00.002-05:00

An avid Jackson fan:)

I recently went to see Alan Jackson on his Freight Train Tour in Evansville!! It's funny how it all worked out- I had heard of the date that he would be performing in Eville and I knew there was no way that I would be able to see him, so I didn't order tickets. But... one thing led to another and the night before the concert, a friend of a friend had row 1 tickets that I somehow managed to get my hands on:) Needless to say, I had an amazing time seeing one of my FAVORITE country artists!! If you've never seen this man in concert before, I highly recommend it!!

School Students

2010-04-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

For the past couple of months, I have been working with kindergarten and 3rd grade students at West Terrace in Evansville. The school is fantastic and the students are even more wonderful and so very fun to work with:).. I have truly enjoyed my time there, so I thought I would share a favorite story of mine since the semester is almost over!!

Every Wednesday and Friday I get 50 minutes with my 3 kindergarten students and over the semester we have been studying and observing all kinds of animals. Well, on this particular day, we were studying jaguars and the many characteristics that make this animal unique. We were discussing the foods a jaguar may eat in the wild, and the students were coming up with all kinds of meat they thought the animal would eat. Since they were so focused on meat, I asked, "What do you call an animal that eats meat as their main source of food?" This little boy began sounding out the word that was right on his tongue, ...C...C...C..., and all of the sudden his eyes got so big like a light bulb had went off in his mind and he yelled out, "CATHOLIC!"

Priceless:) Somehow I always walk out of the school doors with a big smile on my face, thinking of all the silly, but honest answers they come up with.

I luckily found out some exciting news that wasn't supposed to come out until October, but I have been placed at Lena Dunn (3rd & 5th grade) for my student teaching which will begin next spring!! I'm so glad to be at a school close to home so that I can live at home and save some money:), but also not far from USI!!

Count your blessings...

2010-04-15T11:02:00.002-05:00

Baleigh- you are my light and my laughter. You continue to show my heart that it can love again, with a fullness that seems to overflow!! You give me the strength to make it through each day, and my smile continues to grow as I see a little more of myself in you in every step that you take:)

Briona- you are the energy and free-spirit that I wish I had more of:) your caring and protective heart gives me joy that will always pierce the darkness. I cannot fathom the work of God's hands, but I continue to see you grow into a more beautiful young woman each and every day!!! You are truly amazing...

Mom- how can I ever thank you enough for the time and energy you have spent on me. You continue to lift me up when I fall, even if I do not deserve it! Your love has shown me that I can do all things through my Savior who gives me strength, no matter the obstacles that are ahead of me.
Daddy- your wings seem to push me a little further each day. When I stand, I stand taller because of you. You have given me all of the life and love in the world, and every time I see the brightness of the sun, I can feel your presence surrounding me. You set the example of the life I want to live, and I cannot wait to share all of this with you when I meet you inside Heaven's gates..

To my heavenly Father- you have given me more blessings than I deserve, and you placed me in the family that has molded me into who I am today. I love you with all of my heart..

To my fellow bloggers- when you are down, remember the blessings that surround you each and every day of your life!! They are truly a gift from above:)

~JM~

Easter 2010

2010-04-05T21:18:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning, as the praise team was leading the worship songs, I closed my eyes and all I could see was my dad smiling in Heaven. And at that moment, the only thing I could think of was, "I wonder what kind of celebration is going on up there. How amazing would it be to celebrate the resurrection of Christ while you're standing next to Christ, the Lord of All, and my dad is doing it right this very moment!!!" My mind just couldn't comprehend it! Just the thought of my two Fathers in Heaven together gave me enough peace to get through the day... Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!! :)

~JM~

Valleys..

2010-03-28T21:11:00.003-06:00

This morning, as I was sitting in church, I was flipping through my dad's Bible and I found this paper with the following poem written on it. It's amazing that even though a person may be gone you can still feel their heart, soul, voice, and encouragement through one simple poem.

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,

full of trouble, sorrow, and woe.

It's then I have to remember,

it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountaint top

and never experienced pain,

I would never appreciate God's love

and would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn

and my growth is very slow,

somtimes I need the mountain tops,

but it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand

why things happen as they do,

but I am very sure of one thing

my Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing

when I picture Christ on the cross,

He went through the valley of death;

His victory was Satan's loss.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord

and use my life each day

to share your love with others

and help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord

for this one thing I know,

the mountain tops are glorious,

but it's in the valleys I grow.

~JM~

For I know the plans I have for you...

2010-03-24T23:05:00.003-06:00

Lately, I've been dealing with some anxiety when I think of what my life will bring about in the coming year. I know it may seem like I'm getting a little ahead of myself to be thinking that far in advance, but when that is all you're talking about day-in and day-out of classes, then it seems to take over your mind. With all of the talk and changes going on in the education department right now, it feels that I'm going into a career that is completely changing (in an unpromising direction, in my opinion) and with job opportunities even more unpromising! I know that I can't resort to fear about my future, because my future isn't ultimately in my hands!! I know that God has placed this career in my heart for a reason, and that he has given me this drive for a reason. He has my steps drawn out for me, all I have to do is follow:)

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I love Justin Bieber

2010-03-17T23:05:00.005-06:00

One of my friends showed me this video of a little 3 year old crying over Justin Bieber and it is absolutely adorable, although a little scary because she is only 3!!!! This little lady goes on for atleast 5 minutes on the original video!!! Hope it brings you a laugh:)!!

Blessed

2010-03-03T22:12:00.002-06:00

Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with these two beautiful souls I get to call my sisters. They are the sunshine and laughter in my life!!! I see our daddy in you both more and more each day as you continue to grow into young women. May we continue this walk as best friends for many, many years to come!! I love you sweet girls :)

Love, Britt

New Blog

2010-02-25T20:46:00.002-06:00

A brilliant young woman recently told me that it would be so neat to write down memories of my dad to someday share with my children, my neices and nephews, and other family members. This new blog will serve as my personal journal to document all of my favorite memories of my dad before old-age overtakes me and I forget :)! His new blog is http://jamesmillermemories.blogspot.com if you would like to start following along!! I have yet to decide whether I will make this new blog private or not, but for right now it's open to the public! Of course, I will continue to write on this blog too- No worries:)!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend! One of my best friends is getting married this Saturday, so I will ask you to pray for them as they begin their new lives together!!!

~JM~

100th Post & 21st Birthday!!

2010-02-18T21:11:00.005-06:00

Yesterday (February 17th) was my 21st birthday!! I can't believe I've lived this beautiful life for 21 years, almost a quarter of a century:)!! I found it so neat that my birthday fell on my 100th post, so I thought I would dedicate this post to my angel in heaven, my daddy, which was the reason that I began this journey on blogger. He is the reason I am the woman I am today and he represents all of the dreams that I hope to accomplish down the road. I will never be able to express the love and respect I have for him and for the life that he lived!! I miss him with every breath that I breathe.... When I close my eyes at night, I can see him smiling down on me, especially on this day, and jumping for joy in celebration at the mark of another year of my life!

His bracelet I wore in memory of him on my birthday! (A special thanks to John Peanut who had it sized to fit my tiny wrist :)

~JM~

There Is a God

2010-02-14T22:05:00.002-06:00

Do you ever have moments when you feel that you need a little push? A little inspiration to go about your day? I have these moments sometimes, and one night as I was lying awake, unable to sleep, I turned on the radio and heard this song! It was truly amazing and it felt that God was speaking right into my heart. If you haven't heard the song, "There Is a God" by Leann Womack, I encourage you to watch!! This song is absolutly beautiful!!!

~JM~

Finding the Joy

2010-02-11T18:29:00.002-06:00

From this very month to all of the February's that will come to pass, I am going to yearn for joy, happiness, and laughter. Just as it felt last year around my birthday, it feels the same this year. Once again, I'm going to need prayers of strength, hope, and peace. It is so hard for me to master the concept of moving on as I come to the close of another year of my life. I've been 15 months without my biggest fan, and just as I felt I was being lifted from my knees, I get knocked back down again. I know it's going to take time, I know that this grief-filled pit in my heart will never fully heal, and I know that my memories of him will always remind me of happier times... but I want to feel strength, and right now I feel that I have none. So, to my wonderful blogger-friends, I guess I'm asking you to remember me in your prayers in this next week. Pray that I can find happiness, love, and laughter because I know that is what he is experiencing right now, and that's exactly what we would be doing if he would still be here!!

Love,
JM

Symbol of your Life

2010-02-02T22:35:00.003-06:00

For one of my education classes, we were to choose one item that we felt represented our lives to this particular day. When given this information, I left school thinking, "ONE item that represents my life- are you kidding? I have at least 20!!" But the more I thought about it, the more I kept coming back to this one particular item. Not because it would be different, but because it sustained and represented both sides of my family for years and years before I was born. I found this topic very interesting because I actually got to dig into my family's history (which I love doing), and learn about very special people that I never had the opportunity to meet. This fact deeply touched my heart because, as I was reading, I realized that I was reading about grandparents I had never met, and that one day my children will be curious about their grandpa they never got to meet. It's hard to think that one day my children will never be thrown in the air and caught in his strong arms, or hear his laughter when they say something silly. It's hard because only I will know what they are missing, they will never know, because they never had it... But anyway, I'll share a little paragraph of what I chose to represent me:

Head coverings are simply a symbol that represents the Mennonite religion and its beliefs and practices. In my family, coverings worn by women have been passed down from generation to generation, developing a history of changes that time has brought to the religion. I feel that a covering represents my life to date because it is a symbol of who I am as an individual, where I come from, and the beliefs that my family stands firm upon. It describes the characteristics of the ancestors who went before me, the lives that they lived, and the faith that they believed in. They passed it down to their children so that one day it could be passed down to me and to my future family. I believe in tradition, I believe in family, and I believe that knowing where one comes from is a sense of self that can never be replaced. My family is Mennonite. Wer bist du?
(Who are you?)

~JM~

WoW!! That's a Low Price!

2010-01-25T21:11:00.003-06:00

Want a good laugh?? Every single time I see this commercial I about fall off of the couch!! Click on this link below to view:

Hope it brightens your day:)!!

American Honey

2010-01-18T13:16:00.004-06:00

The first time I heard this song I fell in love with it!! It makes you think back to those days when life was so free and simple.. when there wasn't a care in the world!

She grew up on a side of the road

Where the church bells ring and strong love grows

She grew up good, She grew up slow

Like American honey

Steady as a preacher

Free as a weed

Couldn't wait to get goin'

But wasn't quite ready to leave

So innocent, pure and sweet

American honey

There's a wild, wild whisper

Blowin' in the wind

Callin' out my name like a long lost friend

Oh I miss those days as the years go by

Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime

And American honey

Get caught in the race

Of this crazy life

Tryin' to be everything can make you lose your mind

I just wanna go back in time

To American honey

Gone for so long now

I gotta get back to her somehow....to American honey

I had to post some pictures that reminded me of "American honey." Hope you enjoy:) Please disregard my poofy hairstyle and 'stylish' clothing!!!

Silly smiles after a hot, summer day while enjoying some corn on the cob...

Trying to follow in the footsteps of someone you will always look up to...

Time to feel the breeze blow across your face and enjoy the world around you...
Attitude and personality that passes down with each generation..
Love, care, and humility learned from mom & dad..

Being a helper to someone, even though you may not be the best at it..:)

And finally, remembering who you are and where you came from when life tries to knock you down!!

~JM~

53rd Birthday

2010-01-13T20:46:00.004-06:00

Well here it is... today you would be celebrating your 53rd birthday, most likely with homemade ice cream and angel food cake, and you would talk about how old you're getting while we would laugh at the thought of you with gray hair and wrinkled skin. Sometimes I think that it's more of a blessing that I never had to see you grow old and weak, instead I remember you living life until it knocked you flat on your back- I wish I could be more like that!!! You have inspired me to chase dreams that I never thought I could accomplish and to be confident in myself no matter what (which I'm still working on). I wish now more than ever I could thank you and tell you that, yes, you were right about everything you ever taught me:) I find it truly amazing that God arranges special things to happen on special days. Today I turned in my complete student teaching application, which will take place next spring. I had to laugh when I realized my advisor had asked if today would work for my appointment and as I walked out the door she told me to be very proud of myself for maintaining a 3.9 GPA for the past 3 years. I think you would've hit the floor had you known this (in high school I was more into the "social life" of things instead of my studies:)!! It's astonishing to me that you are celebrating another birthday in heaven... I've wondered all day about what you are doing at this exact moment. Probably something my mind cannot even imagine.... Right now I want to be wrapped in arms so tightly and tell you how much I love you and miss you, but I know that everything happens for a reason, and one day I'll never have to tell you good-bye ever again... Instead we'll be praising Jesus together, hand in hand, forever and ever... I love you daddy, I miss you sooo much! Happy Birthday...
I thought these turned out really neat!!! (What's Your Sign in Wash designed them)

Sisterhood Is..

2010-01-07T18:28:00.004-06:00

*SiStErHoOd IS......

LoVe...

Laughter...

SeCrEtS...

DEPENDENCE...

Giving...

Fun, Silly, Magical, prayer-filled, and sharing, But most of all....

*SiStErHoOd is POWERFUL!!!!

~Brittany, Briona, & Baleigh 2010~

~JM~

New Years!

2010-01-05T00:00:00.003-06:00

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

~Hal Borland~

~JM~

Christmas 2009

2009-12-30T00:54:00.005-06:00

My Christmas was filled with lots of love, laughter, great food, wonderful family, and lots of presents! Although, I wanted to share my most favorite present with you- my memory blanket. This blanket is made out of my dad's tshirts that were special to our relationship with him. Of course, he had enough shirts to make tons of blankets, but my mom picked out just a few that held a significant meaning to us and our favorite memories of him. I thought this was the absolute neatest idea my mom could've come up with for a gift!! Many times it's easy to get wrapped up in the expense and number of presents that have your name written across the top, but someday those presents will tarnish, fall apart, and break into pieces. It will be thrown away and replaced with something newer, bigger, and more expensive. But this present will never tarnish or fall apart, because it holds some of my fondest memories of my dad while we were living life together, and that memory will never die, it will forever live on in my heart.

From the very top (left to right)-

A picture of my dad & I on our last Florida vacation together during a baseball game

The shirt worn while he & I coached together in 2008

Our last family picture taken during the summer of 2008

The shirt worn while he chaperoned and participated in my Senior Post Prom

The K&K shirt he wore everyday to work to provide for and take care of his family

The shirt I bought him on a trip to Paris, France

One of my favorite pictures of him and I as a young baby:)

His "Walk to Emmaus" shirt which was very special because he got to sponsor me when I went on the "Walk"

Another Post Prom shirt that he helped host

One of the many Barr-Reeve shirts that he had:) But this one was of my Senior year basketball sectionals that I cheered at (I'll never forget seeing his face in the crowds)

And finally a softball shirt, which he adored playing and coaching. The Gasthof team took many years to build, but we were finally able to bring home that 1st place trophy- I'll never forget his coaching voice coming from 3rd base or the huge grin on his face after we had finally won it all:)

Briona's blanket

Baleigh's blanket

Grandma:)

Wagler grandchildren

Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!!!!!

~JM~

Christmas Outing!!

2009-12-21T20:42:00.005-06:00

Today, Steph & I took our 12 cheerleaders to Evansville to go eat at Gatti-town, shop at the mall, and attempt ice-skating at Swander Arena! We had sooo much fun and I'm so glad that we got to spend some fun moments with these girls! I must share one episode of our trip because it's just too funny to keep inside:) As we were walking into the ice arena, a couple girls came up to me with wide, worried expressions and said, "Brittany! Why are we going here? That sign says no socializing!!!" I quickly looked at the sign, tried to keep my laugh hidden inside, and said, "Girls- it says, No Soliciting!!" It was soo funny- their worried looks were so innocent!! Here are a few pics from our outing:

~JM~

Life Legacies

2009-12-19T15:22:00.004-06:00

LIVE DEEP
Never stop learning, playing, or finding wonder in the world around you. Live the length of your life, but live the depth of it as well.

TRAVEL LIGHT
There is no excuse in carrying around worry and regret. They only weigh you down. Always keep yourself open to hope and to love. They give us wings.

FORGIVE IMPERFECTIONS...
in yourself and others. Imperfections keep things interesting. They're the cracks where the light shines through.

OWN BEAUTIFUL THINGS..
And not just to keep in the drawer, tucked away for a perfect day. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, that remind you of the beauty all around us if we only keep our eyes open to it.

MAKE MISTAKES...
Follow detours. Sometimes it takes an unexpected turn to help us find the life that is waiting for us around the bend. Trust yourself and the path that is meant for you.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...
And sometimes that means you need the ice cream:). Be good to your body, but also to your mind and spirit. You're the only one who can.

(Don't know who this is by, but I absolutely LOVE it!:))

~JM~

Elf Yourself!!

2009-12-08T22:25:00.004-06:00

Great News on my aunt!! She was moved out of ICU and into rehab to work on her progress and then on sending her home!! Thank you, Jesus:) what a great Christmas blessing!! Anyways, I was playing around on the computer today and I found this really fun site where you can crop pictures, put them on elf bodies, and make them break it down to Christmas tunes! It's soo cute and I thought some of you might enjoy it:) Here's the link below:

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/

~JM~

Over the weekend...

2009-12-07T22:34:00.004-06:00

The Cross wreath we placed on my dad's grave (his favorite)!!

Our family got some unsettling news on Saturday morning, my Aunt Ruth (dad's sister), was back in the hospital and not doing very well at all. They suspected that she had had another heart attack and her lungs were 3/4 of the way filled with fluids, so she was having a lot of difficulty breathing. As I walked back into the ICU to visit with her for what I thought may be the last time, I felt the tears start to stream down again and my heart was so anxious. It was such a struggle for her to breathe and all I could stare at was her chest rapidly moving up and down. It hurt me to watch her fight for life while I've taken so many days for granted, without thought of my next breath because it comes so easily... I tried to memorize the feel of her warm fingers, the touch of her hand against mine, and the eyes that looked so deeply into mine because I never got the opportunity to memorize the "last touches" of my dad's. This weekend was tough... I'm not ready to lose another loved one yet. I don't want that call telling me that a family member's life was taken again. These next couple of days will be vital to her health, so if you have some quiet time, please remember my Aunt Ruth in your prayers. Our family would greatly appreciate it:)

~JM~

Christmas is in the Air!!

2009-11-28T16:59:00.005-06:00

Christmas is my absolute favorite season- hands down!! I love the music, the decorations, the lights, the warmth that people seem to carry around, and of course the FOOD:)! So mom and I decided to start day 1 of Christmas decorating. We got the downstairs tree up and few other decorations throughout the basement. But there is still so much to do- the upstairs and all of the outside stuff! We definitely feel the missing hand that we used to have around.. It's a lot of work with only 2 people!!

Last weekend, me and a few friends went to see these old railroad tracks and it was soo neat!!Me & Regina on the tracks- trying not to look down!!!

Let me just say, I found out how out of shape I was when trying to climb the hill to the top:)!!!

Soo neat!!

** Oh Beautiful Star of Bethlehem by The Judds was my dad and I's FAVORITE Christmas song!! I love the blog background that I found to go along with it:)

~JM~

Address in the Stars/ Lucky Man

2009-11-25T09:57:00.004-06:00

I stumbled across your picture today- I could barely breath. The moment stopped me cold, grabbed me like a thief. I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there. I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair... I just wanted to hear your voice, I just needed to hear your voice.
What do I do with all I need to say?? So much I wanna tell you everyday. Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark. I write these letters to you, but they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars...

Address in the Stars- Caitlyn & Will

With Thanksgiving coming up, I started thinking about thankfulness and how easy it is to forget about all that we have and how lucky we really are. Last night as I was driving home, I heard this song by Montgomery Gentry, and for some reason it reminded me of my dad so vividly. It seems that every verse in the song related to him, or he'd said it himself. One thing that I always loved about him was his knowledge of what he had. Yes, there were many days when his thoughts were caught in "paying this bill, saving for our schooling, fixing this, or having to buy that," but at the end of the day, when he would come in from working outside, he would always wrap his arms around us, find our smiles, tell us how special we were, and like a lightbulb, a soft smile would appear on his face almost as if he were thinking, "Man, look at what all I have; I'm a pretty lucky guy."

In his dedication- "Lucky Man" by Montgomery Gentry
*(make sure your volume is turned on:))

All I Ask For Anymore

2009-11-18T22:27:00.002-06:00

When I was a baby, I asked to be fed, held, and loved...

When I was a toddler, I asked for attention, learning new things, creating messes, and being rocked to sleep by momma & daddy...

When I was a young girl, I asked to sleep in the middle, for too many barbies & dolls, for someone to play dress-up, and for my parents to be at every gymnastics practice, volleyball and softball game, field trip, and anything else that involved ME:)

When I was a teenager, I asked for cars, prom dresses, more clothes, high heels, new make-up, expensive haircuts, vacations, anything that involved spending money.... I asked for praise, to be told I was right even when I knew I was wrong, to never get in trouble when walking in the door late at night, and for financial support for whatever dreams I had of the future.... I expected every dream to come true and never dreamt of losing anything...

At 20 years old, I ask for protection of my precious sisters and my mom, for their good health, longevity, their love, acceptance, wisdom, advice, and assurance that, "it's gonna be okay and we'll make it." I ask for these things because that's all that matters anymore.

It seems that sometimes we have to lose something before we can see the special life that we were given, and how easily that special life can be gone in the blink of an eye.

~JM~

LoVe LiVeS oN

2009-11-16T21:17:00.004-06:00

Can you say "hectic life" for me?! Wake up at 6:30 a.m., sub at school from 8-3, cheer practice from 3-6, drive back to Evansville, do homework from 7:30-9, play volleyball at 10:15, go to bed, wake up and start another day:)Whew!!! That wears me out..(p.s. I'm using my homework time to blog:)) So needless to say, tonight is going to be short and sweet!

I heard this song on the radio a couple days ago by a new country artist named, Mallory Hope, and I couldn't have written a song more truthful had I tried!! She sings about losing a loved one and still waking up in the morning trying to "feel" them, making an extra plate without realizing it, and the quietness that seems to be behind each room, and as I listened I just thought, "Wow", she put my exact feelings into this beautiful song that gave me chills as tears streamed down my face! Even though we may lose all that is important, love lives on in their memories, in the smile that still flashes thru your head, in the funny jokes you still laugh at, and in the millions of ways that they are still in your life. Their love will always be there... because love lives Forever...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri9ihQsiDQ4&NR=1

and even though i cry like crazy

even though it hurts so bad

i'm thankful for the time God gave me

even though we couldn't make it last

i'm learning how to live without you

even though i don't want to

and even with you gone

love lives on...

~JM~

In Memory (pictures)

2009-11-11T16:34:00.002-06:00

One year in Heaven..

2009-11-02T11:15:00.003-06:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Tonight (or this morning) at 1 a.m. will be the one-year mark that I've lived without my dad. He passed away on the way home from a Colts game from a massive heart attack (Martinsville, IN). Us three girls and my mom were sleeping downstairs in the living room when we got a phone call at 12:30 a.m. I woke up, shook mom and asked, "Who would be calling at this time at night?" She replied, "Oh it's probably just dad calling on his way home." I went back to sleep and let mom answer the phone. During that time mom found out that dad had had a heart attack and that we needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. When asked how bad it was, the only answer we got from anyone was, "They're working on him." The whole way to the hospital, us 4 sat in the back of the car, crying, praying, and holding on to the little piece of hope we had, that our family would be reunited soon. I envisioned running into that hospital, knocking down anyone that got in my way, squeezing my dad so tight, and telling him how very much I loved him. As we pulled into the ER garage and walked through the sliding doors, three doctors stood waiting to give us news that would forever separate our family. The only words I remember hearing were ones that will always feel like a knife in my heart, "He didn't make it." After that I remember gut-wrenching screams, watching my mom fall to the floor, and falling into the arms of whoever caught me. However the rest of the late night/early morning played out will always remain a bit blurry to me, because all I could do was cling to the shoes and jacket that the doctors brought out to us. Clothing that had been on my living and breathing daddy only minutes before.

365 days later I am still as heartbroken as I was the moment I heard the news. I have never cried so many tears, lain awake so many hours, dreamed so many nightmares, or felt pain so biting that it takes your next breath away. Remembering these memories are all that I have left, for the unknown years that I still have to live without my daddy. I would give anything to go back, feel his arms wrapped around me, his kiss on my cheek, and hear the last words he ever spoke to me, only to say good-bye one final time.

Daddy, this evening will be dedicated to you, your life, your love, your dreams, and your accomplishments. I will never forget all of the life that I shared with you. I love you more that words will ever speak.

I'll see you soon,
Brittany

Whoaaa Life!

2009-10-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

Wow!! What a crazy and eventful week it has been already and it's only Wednesday! School has me running all over the place (trying to cram it all in in only 3 days has been nice, but pretty stressful too!), I'm in cheerleader-mode, which means I eat, think, and sleep cheers, stunts, motions, practice schedules and all of that jazz, plus throwing in family time and seeing friends = quite a crazy life:), but I wouldn't have it any other way!! It seems like lately I've realized how fast life is flying by and how I wish at times that I could just pull back on the reigns and slow it all down so that I could enjoy it more, but I don't have that privilege unfortunately..
Me, Bay, & Bri taking a ride in Courtney's new car!!

My "little" cousin, Courtney, and her new car; going for a ride:)

Us girls after another successful tourney @ Holy Family two weekends ago!

I also began tutoring these two precious girls this evening, which will continue for another 3-4 weeks! They just make my heart smile:)

Hope everyone is having a great week!!

~JM~

What makes me smile..

2009-10-13T20:48:00.009-05:00

Ever have those days where it's soo easy to be in a bad mood, feel sorry for yourself, and all you can think about is going back home, shutting the door, and wonder what exactly made you get outta bed on the wrong side?! I have these days occasionally:)... so I thought- why not think of some things that make me thankful to get out of bed each morning (in other words, what puts a smile on my face).

Here is what I came up with:

Laughter to make me strong...

sunshine to pierce the darkness..

desserts to keep me sweet:) or to satisfy my never-ending sweet tooth!!!
music that excites a passion..

Family to spread my wings... but also to catch me when I fall... friends that give me life..

And prayer to always remind me what my knees are for..

~JM~

Canada Fishing Trip

2009-10-06T22:02:00.005-05:00

My daddy, loving life!!

Absolutely breath-taking!!!

Fishing group!

His outfit cracks me up- he wore those boots with everything!!!

I love you, dad...

A dear friend and fellow employer, Nelson, was going through some files on a K&K computer one day and found some of these pictures that were taken a few years ago of some work buddies on a fishing trip in Canada. He was even nice enough to send them to me:) Thank you, Nelson!!

I do treasure any pictures taken, but especially ones of my dad (even though it's hard to look at them for very long) because there will never be anymore added to my collection, and 25 years from now (God-willing) when I'm old and gray:) I'll be able to pull these out and the memories will come flooding back into my heart so that I may share them with my kids and furthur on down the line... I'm really into that family history stuff if you can't tell!!

~JM~

Amazing God

2009-10-05T21:19:00.003-05:00

How can a year come to pass without the love of one you need so much... while some days seem to tick minute by minute, others pass with the blink of an eye. I can't explain the heaviness that has been laid on my heart to know that the anniversary is looming ahead of me in a few weeks. It seems like yesterday I was holding on to the hands that I had to let go of forever and in a few tomorrows it will become a distant memory that gets harder and harder to reach. My heart is fighting of what I need to let go of, and what I want to hold on to.

I had a really neat experience that happened to me over the weekend.. As I was sitting beside my dad's grave one evening, I noticed the quiet of the world, the harshness of the wind, the strike of the wind chimes we placed beside his tombstone, and the dark of night...and in that moment I felt so alone, like I was hurting without a nearby soul around to know an ounce of my loss.... and right that second, the wind picked up speed, the wind chimes completely stopped, they didn't even sway, and I felt this overwhelming peace like I could've reached out and touched it- my heart became still because all I could feel was that peace surrounding me in a love that knew no end. I keep forgetting that God feels and knows our pain no matter where we are; I will never be alone in my suffering even though it's very, very tough most of the time...

I found this song called Peace Be Still by Rush of Fools that I absolutely love!! Here are some of the lyrics:

Come to Me,
you who are weak
Let My strength be yours tonight
Come and rest,
let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight

Peace be still,
Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God

~JM~

Over the weekend...

2009-09-28T17:54:00.004-05:00

We had another relaxing weekend! Why do they have to fly by sooo fast?? Friday night I watched the Barr-Reeve volleyball team dominate against Loogootee and afterwards enjoyed sitting by a campfire, chatting with friends. Saturday was spend at South Knox for the 8th grade Blue Chip Conference (which they won!!) and then later that night a big group of us enjoyed some mexican food in Bloomfield! Sunday I had a yummy, yummy lunch at grandma's, went rhino riding in Odon, and later snuggled with the little girls to watch the Colts game in dad's favorite room (the theatre room!). What a great weekend! Below are some pics from the tourney:

My cute sisters:)

Some action shots of Bri!!

Here are a few pics of the apartment!! It's just a small two-bedroom apartment, but we love it! Still a lot of work we want to do though:)

Our Living Room

My bedroom..

Our teeny-tiny bathroom:)

~JM~

Pennsylvania Dutch

2009-09-25T10:08:00.000-05:00

Unser vater der du bist im himmel,
geheiliget werde dein name zu komme
uns dein reich, dein viille geschehe auf
erden vie im himmel, gib uns heit
unser taglich brod, und verbig uns
unsere schuld, vie wir vergeben
unsern schuldern; und las uns nicht
eingefuhrt weden in verschung,
sondern erlose uns von dem osen
denn dein ist das recih, dein ist die
kraft dein ist die herrbichkeit in
ewigkeit. Umen

This is the Lord's Prayer in German (PA Dutch)- I'm in this multicultural kick for some reason, probably because that's all I hear about in all of my classes, but I thought this was really neat!! I would love to (someday) be able to read this fluently and teach my family and future kids this prayer. I think your heritage is a very special part of who you are and what you will become! I want my kids to learn to embrace their heritage from an early age and learn a little German! I was always counting on dad to do the teaching part, not me, but I guess I'll have to step up to the plate and learn it for myself!! It might just be a much longer process:)

I also got some exciting news this week- I'm going to be coaching the B-R jr. high cheerleaders this season, along with Stephanie Graber!! We're very excited about the job ;)!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

~JM~

Forgive & you will be Forgiven

2009-09-22T22:15:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and being forgiven lately, so I decided to search a bit to see what I could find that might help me to understand the importance of forgiveness in my life. I don't know about you- but when someone does me wrong, it's the hardest thing for me to just let it go. I think about it all the time, and ponder it, and minute by minute I can feel more and more steam rising off of me:) Why do I do this to myself?? I am only hurting me; it's not like my thoughts are going to walk out and take revenge on what I'm so worked up about, so why not just turn to God first and let him take control of my emotions first and foremost?? I found this quote by Anton Bosch in a reading that I had and it really hit home for me:

When we live with bitterness and unforgiveness in our hearts, our whole outlook, spirit and attitude is contaminated by that bitterness. When we live with a grudge, we struggle to enter into healthy relationships with others and it also affects our relationship with the Lord.

Forgiving is not easy for me, never has been, and never will be. I don't know if it's just a lot of stubbornness coming out of me or what, but I do know that I want to learn to be a better forgiver:) I just might need a few nudges along the way!!

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." Matthew 18: 21-22

~JM~

My relaxing weekend...

2009-09-20T11:40:00.012-05:00

This weekend was a very relaxing weekend at home with the girls- one that I definitely needed!! Friday night was spent being lazy and reading books together:), and Saturday, Baleigh was in a volleyball tourney in Jasper- we had to leave wayyy to early for my liking! At the volleyball tourney, there was a yard-sale going on downstairs, so in between games I decided to venture down there to see what all they had. I came back in with a whole bag full of children's books that I thought were awesome- plus I got them at a really good price; needless to say I got some laughs along the way! What can I say- they aren't going to be teachers:)
Here are some pictures of us over the weekend:

Briona, Sarah, and me, on our way to the volleyball games at 7 a.m.!!!

Briona, line-judging, talking with the ref:)!
My awesome volleyball player:)

Bay & Court- best buddies!!

Last weekend was the annual Turkey Trot festival in Montgomery! Both nights featured awesome bands that I loved:), and on Saturday I played my 3rd year of mud volleyball. Our team was named the Jim Miller MudSlingers!! We had a huge spot to fill, considering he was our team mvp every year:)

My friends, Shay, spraying me off!! haha!

The nastiest feeling ever!! I found mud for days haha :)
Playing in the mud! I love the feel :)

High school sweeties ;)

For tough girls- they were a little hesitant of the mud!!

I love this picture- this is us on a daily basis :)

My Uncle Jim Gingerich- I think he looks sooo much like my dad, and they aren't even related by blood!!

Stuck, as usual!

Ugghh!!

My dad played many, many years of mud vball! We had won the tourney the last 2 years!

Presentation of Award.

It was very hard for me to play without my tough daddy... He introduced me to the sport.

As long as I am able, I will be playing for him and remembering the wonderful memories we made together...

Malachi 3:3

2009-09-15T22:41:00.003-05:00

I received this story in an email the other day and I found it very cool, so I thought I would share it:

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God .
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ' He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered, ' Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

~JM~

Prayer!

2009-09-08T21:47:00.002-05:00

Last night as I was driving back to school, I got a phone call from a friend with some devastating news.. her cousin's dad had had a massive heart attack/stroke that left him very near to death. The doctors decided to put him into an induced coma, so right now he is unresponsive and with a family that is very distraught. They are not sure of the damage that this has done to his body and mind, so right now all the family can do is wait.... wait for a death, or wait and prepare for a lifestyle that will most likely have complications for the rest of time. They are hanging on a single word that could make or break a family... THis news did not settle well within my heart because without even closing my eyes, I could see myself walking through those double doors and hearing the news that took me to the floor like it was yesterday. I could hear the cries of pain and anguish.. and my heart hurt all over again because -at that exact moment- I knew in my heart that I would remember those cries for as long as I continued to draw breath, just as this family will remember this painful time in their lives. It's so easy to live off of the question, "Why?" And my answer, just as this family's answer, is unknown, just as it will be 50 years from now.

Please remember to keep this family in your prayers as they struggle through this rough time... I'm sure they will have many dark days ahead...

~JM~

Another year begins...

2009-09-05T08:54:00.002-05:00

Well, another year of school has begun! How time flies:)... The first week was great; I have some very good professors and a wonderful roommate, so i'm sure this year will bring me many adventures!! It always takes a week or two for me to adjust to the different living arrangements.. I hate not being home and helping the girls with their homework, going to their volleyball games, and tucking them into bed each night, but I do get to spend several minutes talking to them each night before bed and listening to their dramatic events each day- oh the life of a teenager:)!

I'm short on time today, but I plan on giving a better update and maybe some pics of the apartment when I get the chance!!

Hope everyone has a great Labor day weekend!!!
~JM~

We reap what we sow...

2009-08-22T09:32:00.003-05:00

"We sow an action; we reap a habit.

We sow a habit; we reap a character.

We sow a character; we reap a destiny."

Robert E. Armes

Best Summer Memories

2009-08-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

1. Kenny Chesney concert

2. Moving into a new apartment with a wonderful friend

3. Billy Currington concert

4. Swimming & water-gun fights at the Boat club

5. Swimming, laying out, and relaxing in the hottub!!

6. Long Sunday dinners at grandma's...

7. Jim Miller Classic

8. Camping at Miller Lake

9. George Strait concert!

10. Jason Aldean concert/weekend trip!

11. Rhino rides

12. Learning to be a better sister, friend, teacher, & role-model...

This was after Bri's impacted teeth surgery- she's probably gonna kill me :) haha!

I start my 3rd year of school on the 31st! Where has the summer gone?! As you can see, I've had a wonderful summer with lots of good memories to last me another year:) I'm so excited to finally be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in school!! I'll be way past ready to graduate in '11.

Hopefully I'm completely healed by the time I head back. This past Thursday I had my wisdom teeth pulled out and that night I felt fine... but Friday, Sat., & Sunday I formed this huge knot on my left cheek that wouldn't go down... so I went in for a check-up on Monday and it turns out that I got hematoma. That means that while they were working on my teeth they busted some blood vessels in my cheek!! The knot is slowly draining and the swelling is finally almost done; hopefully i'll be problem-free for the rest of the process:)!

Hope everyone had a wonderful summer!!

~JM~

25th Anniversary

2009-08-11T22:03:00.003-05:00

It broke my heart for this day to arrive; a day that I had been planning to celebrate for quite some time... It's amazing how so many hopes and dreams can go up in smoke in only a matter of seconds- a part of me was taken in those seconds, a part of me that I will never get back. I want to go back, I want to relive, and I want to undo... but I can't. For some unknown reason that I will never understand, I'm supposed to go on. I'm being told to put one foot in front of the other and walk, while the one that taught me to walk is now missing. And after 9 months it's still hard; I still hurt, I still grieve, and I probably always will, but instead of always carrying the pain around, I want to learn to live again. It's going to take a lot of prayers, encouragement, and probably a little nudging, but I want to learn to live... only this time for 2! I want to stand for what he stood for, and build my life like he did- on solid ground.

Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad.. I love you both so very much!!

I miss you more than ever...

~JM~

9 months without you...

2009-08-04T09:53:00.005-05:00

We had our backyard engraved on the stone with Briona, Baleigh, & I, my willow tree that he planted in October, and of course our puppy:)

Last night marked the 9th month that you've been absent from my ever so different life. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever be able to love fully- without the fear of losing again. Everyday seems to mark a lifetime without you and there are days that the struggle seems suffocating, like it's going to pull me in. I know that I can't live in the past forever, but right now that's the only place my heart can seem to find rest. I still see you when I close my eyes at night, and when I wake in the morning. In my heart there will always be a place for you, for all of my life. I love you, daddy...

~JM~

A week's post in fast-forward!!

2009-07-28T14:10:00.001-05:00

Saturday night I celebrated a good friend's birthday!! She cracks me up :)

We had a great time decorating/celebrating!!

Cherlyn & I at Adam & Allison's wedding...

Some good friends at George Strait's concert in Indy!!

Last Monday, mom's side of the family went on a trip to Holiday World!! We had a 3-car caravan:)

Most of the grandchildren!!

Again with grandma!
Grandma on her scooter:) We all laughed that she paid $30 to enter the park only to pay $40 to ride a scooter for 11 hours!!

This summer is flying by- only 4 more weeks of summer break left for me!! I have more posts coming soon; we finally got dad's tombstone set and we couldn't be any more in love with it.

Hope everyone is having a blessed summer!!

~jm~

Bible School '09

2009-07-21T13:50:00.004-05:00

This past week I had the honor of teaching these lively, energetic 3rd graders at Providence's Bible School. As the week progressed, it was neat to see the individual personalities shine through their actions and words, and bring life to me that I hadn't lived before. I was truly touched by their smiling faces and big hearts, and on closing night I felt a little sad knowing that I would not be sharing time with them the following evening. The week assured me that I was following the plans God has for my life and the hope that someday soon teaching kids will become my everyday- I know that the energy and joy I felt from that week was only for me to run with :)!!

_JM_

Jim Miller Classic

2009-07-13T08:23:00.012-05:00

Team Prayer..

Jim Miller Classic wristbands..

The tourney held 20 teams that consisted of 8U, 10U, & 12U. We got to welcome each team and explain why the tourney was named the Jim Miller Classic.

We passed out wristbands to each team player and coach... We went thru about 400!!

Mom explaining what the bracelets stood for..

Remember- forever & always.

Mom, Grandma, & Me

When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder- who stands a chance against us?

Dad's display..

I loved capturing the young ones gazing thru the memories..

Daddy's little girl- Baleigh Jalene Miller

12 & under champs & runner-up... Barr-Reeve & Knox County Krushers.
Memories that will last a lifetime...

Describing this weekend brings me close to breathless. Words will never amount to Baleigh's "Angel in the Outfield" catch that saved the game, the pouring rain that was supposed to come,but didn't, or the win that we almost gave up on. I truly feel liked I was touched by an angel.. On the way home I saw the most beautiful sunset (it was too late to capture it all, but I tried:)) and it reminded me that no matter how far the east is from the west, I will never be seperated from the love of my Father and the miracles that He continues to bless my family with. As I looked at that sunset I pictured my dad standing in awe of Our Father and the weekend that He allowed to happen. Even though some days feel like years since I've felt the arms of the man that I miss so dearly, I know that I will never be able to outrun the love that he showered on my life, or the love that he will continue to pour on my life- no matter the coming months and years that continue to seperate us.

Thank you to all who were a part of this weekend! Your dedication will never be forgotten...

Loving you,

-JM-

This Coming Weekend..

2009-07-10T08:56:00.002-05:00

I am sooo pumped for this weekend!! Barr-Reeve has decided to host an annual Jim Miller Classic Softball Tourney this weekend each July in honor of a man that absolutely adored softball!! On the Opening Day of softball, the softball board had my family to stand on the pitcher's mound, surrounded by many of our friends, teammates, players, and coaches to give a salute to my dad for the dedication he put into the softball program and to announce this coming July tourney. The tears would not stop streaming down my face as I pictured his face up above, wondering why all of this attention was being given to him. He was always the doer, never the taker, but this weekend, our love is going to be given back to him. I cannot explain how blessed I have felt these past 8 months to live where I do, and to be surrounded by the people that have been so perfectly placed in my life. I will never be able to thank you enough for the honor that you have placed on my dad's life, and the memories that are being made. Thank you for allowing my dad to live on... even though he will never die in my heart, it makes life a little easier to know that I am not the only one remembering.

**I'm sure I will have many, many pictures to post from this coming weekend!!

God Bless,
~JM~

Daddy's Little Girl..

2009-07-03T08:49:00.006-05:00

Her hair up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow, Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home, Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say, What to tell her classmates, on this special Daddy's Day. But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone, And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school, eager to tell them all about a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet, Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called, a student from the class, To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare- Each of them were searching, for a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day." The words did not offend her, as she smiled at her friends, And looked back at her teacher, who told her to begin. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak, And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique, "My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away, But I know he wishes he could be with me on this very special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know all about my daddy, and how much he loves me so. He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike, He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone, And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing all alone. 'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart, I know because he told me, he'll forever be here in my heart." With that her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest, feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress. From somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears, proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. She stood up for the love of a man not in her life, doing what was best for her, doing what was right. When she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd, she finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. If he could he'd be here, but heaven's just too far. Sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away." Then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day. To her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise, a room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for a second, they saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out. No one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed, but there placed on her desktop, was a beautiful fragrant pink rose. A child was blessed, if only a moment, by the love of her shining bright star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

~JM~

Happy Father's Day -- Meet my Memories!!

2009-06-20T23:49:00.000-05:00

My very first driving lesson from the one and only! :) 1989

My First Christmas with the love of my life! Christmas 1989

I will always see your smile thru my tears...
When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, Dad!
You showed me the world every step of the way...

You spoiled me rotten :)

Hold me tight, daddy, and never let me go...
Mischievous Millers!!
Looking up to you just came natural...

You were my world & I was the apple of your eye...
I wanna spend the whole day- just me & you!
You loved with all that you had....

You gave to me, even when I didn't deserve it...
You gave me the world through the work of your own two hands...

You taught me how to fly...

I want to drive this time, Dad, but stay behind me just in case I need you.

So wrapped up in your love!!

Your words will always be engraved on my heart...

This was just too precious!! Dad & Baleigh...

What a goofball! Dad & Grandma :)

Always surrounded by your girls :)

Your laughter filled my ears with delight!

Dad, Brittany, Briona, Paul, Gage, Lance, & Chelsea- Welcome to the Miller Life!!

The morning after my 11th birthday, and you stayed up all night with us!

Even though we're no longer together, I can still see you there, standing beside us, and loving us every step of the way...

You taught me what love really was...

Me & you- so full of Life!

Mom's 35th Birthday was nothing short of suprises!!

The precious gift of giving...

How could my heart ever be as full as it is when I'm with you?

Dad & Beetle-- we still dream of you...

]Your three girls that were left to fight for life without you... We never dreamt that you would ever be gone...

My Father, My Guiding Light

Dad, you’re like the sun to me,

a sure thing, always there,

beaming light and warmth on my life.

Whatever is good in me today,

I owe to your wisdom, your patience, your strength, your love.

You taught me by example, as a role model,

how to be my own person, how to believe in myself,

instructing me without controlling me.

Even when we disagreed,

you held us together,

so our bond was never broken.

I understand what you did for me,

and I am so grateful that I have you

as my solid foundation, my rock.

I respect you, I admire you,

I love you, my guiding light, my Father.

By Joanna Fuchs

To: My Father

I hope that somewhere beyond the clouds

you're reading this today,

and smiling down so that I may have

sunshine on a day that is so very bittersweet!

I know you were always the one to say it,

but today, I think you deserve to hear it.

I am so proud of the father & man that you were;

there will never be another to take the place in

my heart saved just for you.

Until we meet again,

Brittany Janae.

Happy Father's Day!!

When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away...

Handicapped

2009-06-19T10:45:00.004-05:00

I've spent the past couple days working on my Father's Day post and I think it's going to turn out to be very neat!! As I was copying some pictures that I wanted to share of my younger days, I realized the amount that we had and decided to only take 3-5 albums and share my favorites. Each Father's Day I'll move on to the next albums so that each year the pictures become more recent! Looking back on all of those pictures felt like lifting the cover to someone else's life. It's amazing to see the years vanish and be looking into the eyes of a baby that was you, being held by parents that look nothing like themselves today!! It reminded me of how precious our time on this Earth really is, and how quickly time goes by. Those memories stirred some bittersweet emotions within me and every now and then I felt like I needed a break. I felt like a woman with a handicapped heart, going through therapy to become stronger and to be able to do things on my own once again. Even though I do not look limited on the outside, I feel limited on the inside. It made me question the idea of love and what love really meant...As I thought of all of these things, I wanted my Father's Day post to somehow represent my idea of love and the love that was given to me. Some people may look at my life on the cover and wonder why I still write like I do, or why I have taken this all so hard, and it's because, there was so much more to my relationship with my dad than just that- a father. He was my best friend, my provider, my strength, my determination, my world. When you lose all of that in one person, it feels like you lose yourself as well.
My wish today is that instead of just looking at your dad as a father, see what else you can find in him. My guess is, you'll find more than what you think. Embrace your relationship with your father while you have the chance.... because I never thought I would be the one sitting on the other side of the fence, sharing this story with you...

This year for my Father's Day gift, I opened my first savings account! Yes, i know- me actually saving money?! I figured that if I keep depositing money in there, in 10 years I'll have an amount that will allow me to make a good payment on my dream house- the house we live in now. I can't imagine raising my kids any place other than where I feel my dad, inside & out. :)

Summer thus far...

2009-06-17T22:39:00.002-05:00

Lazy days by the pool...

Late evenings relaxing in the hottub...

Spending time with dear friends...

and tractor rides :)....

Lately I've been struggling with some things that have really been weighing me down and causing me to be in some pretty sour moods, but Sunday as I was sitting in church, flipping thru the Bible (dad's bible- we take it to church with us each Sunday) to follow along with Shawn, a few pages fell onto my lap (it's old, but i love it that way :)) and this is what I saw:

* I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven because of what Christ Jesus did for us.

I have no idea when he highlighted this verse, but as soon as I read it I got goosebumps and I thought, "Brittany, where have you been thinking he is all this time?" It's so easy to see my life without him, and it's even easier to forget where he is because all that I see is my life without him and the empty places in my heart. I need to start picturing him celebrating in Heaven with Jesus by his side, safe and without pain or heartache.... but it's so hard. I just want Heaven to be on Earth!!

Words will never describe the way I miss you, dad.

~JM~

I Did It!!

2009-06-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Briona, me, Jess, & Baleigh

My mom & I

My "little" sisters :)

This past weekend I spent my time in Odon, singing in a wedding for a couple that means a lot to me. And yes- you read it right! I actually got up in front of a large crowd of people and sang as Nick & Jessica's grandparents and parents walked down the aisle. I was shocked that I actually did it- I hate standing in front of a big group of people with so many eyes on me... I did not think that I had the confidence without one of my biggest fans sitting in the pews, but while I was sitting there, waiting for the wedding to begin, I imagined God rolling back the curtains and allowing my dad to have a little sneak-peek of me standing strong and singing with a voice that he had never heard before. I've never longed for something more... and as I turned my mic off and found my seat for the wedding- I saw it, in my heart I found his smile once again and my heart was only able to do one thing after that.....SOAR! :)

Congrats Nick & Jess!!!

I love you, daddy...

Smile?

2009-06-01T22:37:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a rather eventful one! Friday night Cherlyn & I went to Bloomington with some friends to eat and shop, Saturday night I went with some girls to the Kenny Chesney concert in Louisville, and Sunday lunch was at grandma's (yum!!) and then all of the grand kids came back here to swim! Did I forget to mention that we also had 30 teenage kids here Sunday evening for Briona's 14th birthday?! I cannot believe she is 14 years old; I still catch myself calling her & Baleigh the "little girls". That's what mom, dad, and I always referred to them as and now when I ask mom where the little girls are or if they need to be picked up here or dropped off there, I have to stop and think of how (un-little) they really are- they're bigger than me now :) but in my mind I will always see them as my little precious girls no matter what age they are! Here are a few pics from the weekend:

Regina, me, Larryn, & Cherlyn at the concert!!

Larryn & I..

Our ride to Louisville!

Courtney & Baleigh soaking up the sun!

Baleigh & I doing tricks off of the diving board (she's already under the water!)

Cassondra & I airing up the floats for the kids :)

As I was laying down for bed last night I had a couple thoughts that were on my mind and I decided to just let them out: Every time that I crack a smile I am reminded of what my smile really means. On the outside it may just seem that I smile because of my surroundings, but on the inside my smile means so much more. To me it means fighting a battle that rages on in my heart day and night, striving for acceptance instead of bitterness, showing love instead of hurt, and offering hope instead of defeat. There are many days that I wish I didn't have to smile, but God gave me this smile for a reason, and that is to show that no matter how deep a valley may seem, or how long a storm rages on I still have so many blessings to smile for. Life is still sometimes hard for me to accept, and at times I catch myself walking thru a crowd and double-glancing at a man that resembles my dad because I'm still not used to him being gone. I feel like my heart is still searching for a man that will never walk thru my door again.. but as hard as that is for me to accept, in my heart I know that he walked thru a door that offers eternal life and no matter how much I long for him to return to our home, he is already Home in the arms of the One who called him there. As easy as it is to be bitter and to claim my dad as my own, he was never mine. God created my father to bless his three girls because He knew his beautiful life with us would be short and that we would be forced to find life without the provider of our home for the remainder of our days... but God blessed me with a daddy that so many little girls dream about and I got to live that dream for 19 years. Every time he wrapped his arms around me I felt like I could conquer the world- I feel selfish, but I still want him here beside me... It just feels so unfair to think of all of my dreams that I have to conquer without him standing there and giving me that million-dollar smile and waving with his thumbs-up. It's frusterating to sit here and try to write down my feelings because my words will never be able to express the complete loss that I feel in my life... but then again, I could never fully express the love that I feel for my dad either because of how deeply it was and still is engraved on my heart. It's a bond that will never be broken because of the God we serve!! I just hope that I'm still making him proud....

I love you daddy....

Memorial Weekend & Graduation

2009-05-26T13:16:00.002-05:00

Memorial weekend was a blast- I spent most of my time at the Boat Club, and the rest of it with my cousin, Cassondra, who graduated from B-R on Saturday!! We had her graduation pary at our house on Sunday, and even though we got a little rain it turned out to be a very successful party:)!! I've been going CRAZY without a camera- I traded my camera in for a different one that I liked better and it should be shipped any day now, but 14 days without one is enough for me to begin getting a little impatient! Here are a few pics that I did manage to get from some girls that were taken over the weekend...

Some of us girls taken after one of our late-night rhino rides!

Me & Mal making some smores!

Cherlyn, me, & Regina taking a lap on the ranger!

Let's just say that we got a little side-tracked on our way out to the boat club:)!!

I love these two dearly!!
On Monday, mom & I took some girls shopping for Briona's 14th birthday and we had quite an episode on the way home!:) I'll just say that we had a good time- I love spending time with those girls!!

I don't have a picture of Cassondra & I in her cap and gown, so this will have to do for now:)

Prom 2009

Brittany & Cassondra.. best friends! :) (1992)

Family
by Glenda Campbell

There's a special kind of closeness that only families know,

That begins with childhood trust and deepens as you grow.

There's a special kind of happiness in sharing little things,

The laughter, smiles, and quiet talks that daily living brings.

There's a special kind of comfort in knowing your family's there,

To back you up, to cheer you up, to understand and care.

Of all the treasures life may bring, your family means the most,

And whether near or far apart,

That love will hold you close.

I love you, daddy.

My Bucket List

2009-05-20T13:07:00.001-05:00

1. Learn to play the guitar. This has always been a dream of mine and I hope that it will finally become true this summer!

2. Travel to other countries. I traveled to France & Spain my sophomore year of high school, but I feel that I wasted the opportunity because I was too young to actually appreciate what I was seeing. I'll make up for it one of these days! :)

3. Read the Bible from beginning to end. I've tried reading Genesis to Revelation before but I always get stuck in the middle and end up reading passages out of order. I know that as long as I'm reading I'm still getting the message- I just think it would be cool to say I actually did it!

4.Visit all 50 states! This one may take a little longer than the rest, but again, just the fact of saying I've visited every state in the country has always been a dream of mine! I've been to 14- I've still got a ways to go! :)

5. Do mission work! I love the feeling of laying down at night and feeling like I've actually made a difference in a life, no matter how small. I've done some mission work in Alabama, Arizona, & Illinois and I fell in love with it!

6. Find a teaching job close to home- preferably B-R :)! 2 more years and I'll be more than ready to begin my career.

7. Raise a family. One glance at a chubby-cheeked smile and my heart is stolen! I've always dreamed of having a big family :)

8. Swim with dolphins. Dolphins are by far my favorite animal in the world! They always seem to free my spirit, take my worries away, and remind me of the beauty of God's creation.

9. Go horse-back riding on the beach. When I see this in movies, I get so jealous!! It looks so fun!

10. Ride in a hot-air balloon.

11. Finish my journal/book. I started this journal when I was 18 and I basically just started out by writing down my favorite verses, quotes, dreams and stories. Then I started writing some family history and the mistakes of my past. It's really helped me to understand who I am as a person and what I want out of life- I've been able to find myself by sharing my heart. I hope that one day I can pass this on to my children so that they may understand what life is all about, and maybe learn from my mistakes! :)

12. Study my family history. Family history has always intrigued me! I think I started making my first family tree when I was in Jr. High- I know I'm weird:) But I've recently borrowed a few HUGE books from my grandma about the Wagler Family History, and hopefully I can find a few from the Miller side soon. I love understanding how life was like back then, who they were, and where I came from- so interesting!!!

As I was laying down the other night, thinking about dad of course, I remembered him talking about the movie, The Bucket List, and how it portrayed the fact that life is short and that we only get one chance to live it, so why not live it to its fullest. I can look back on my life and honestly say that in some things I have only given 50% of my heart in what I do; He have 150%. And as I realized that fact, I wanted that 50% life no longer. I want to be more like he was. It's amazing that while he was here I always admired the way he lived his life, but I never completely put my heart into things the way he did, and now that he's gone I want nothing more than to be exactly like him. I don't want to look back on my life one day and wonder why I didn't make the best of things while I had the chance, so I decided to write down the dreams I've had for many, many years- and I have finally decided to go after them. Although he may not be here to help me accomplish my dreams, he will always be a part of them as long as I have breath- and no matter what people think about me or how rocky the road gets, I know that nothing will be able to separate the bond that we'll always share in my heart. And if I've learned anything from this big mess I have learned this- He lived one heck of a life:)!!

This was one of the best vacations we took with my mom's side of the family! (June '07)

I love you daddy,

My Prayer

2009-05-17T19:33:00.004-05:00

Jess's Party.

Me & Gina at Williams Dam Jessica Beasley's Bachelorette Party!!

Thursday evening as I was walking back from the mailbox and flipping thru the mail, I saw a letter from the IOPO (Indiana Organ Procurement Organization) and I quickly tore open the envelope. Inside was a letter from the organization saying that a woman had received a life-enhancing graft transplant because of dad's donation. She was 17 years old and in need of tissue for her knee- and she got it. As much as I was honored to receive a letter knowing that my dad is still helping people because of his decision to donate, I was hurt all the more. As I thought about her life and mine, I thought of the small ways that we are now connected, but how different our lives are. I don't know much of her background, other than what she wrote in the letter, but for one split second I felt jealous of her. I know her knee has caused some hurt in her life, but it was only temporary, unlike mine. I'm not going to sit here and complain about what has been taken from me because unfortunately we all know what loss feels like, but at the same time it feels sooooo unfair. Waking up every morning with worry, hurt, pain, sorrow, and depression knocking on my door has been enough to beat me down this week- I feel bruised, helpless, and misunderstood. As my dad becomes further and further from me, I feel the sorrow engraving a little deeper with each passing day, because now I'm beginning to see the picture of my life without him, of our family's life without him, and at times it's enough for me to want to lock myself in a closet and never come out again. I don't want that and I won't do it because I know that no matter where I go the pain is still going to be there. But the thought of it will always be there. So for the time being, this is the prayer that is on my heart night & day.

Father,

Bind us together so that we may fight for life, peace and happiness.

Build my strength so that I may be that rock for the two best friends that I will ever know and please keep them near to you, for I know that the love of a father conquers all- you are the only Father that they now have.

Give us understanding so that we may not grow bitter and allow our hearts to love again.

Give us hope in the promise that you will come back for us and reunite us with the loved one that we so dearly miss.

Give us life so that we do not forget to live it, and

Give us peace so that we may learn to accept what life has brought us.

Thank you for giving me all of the joy in the world when you gave me the gift of my father's love- please allow me to share that love with all that I am.

~JM~

I miss you so much.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T01:34:00.004-05:00

Cassondra, Courtney, & Derek

4 generations of family! Great-Grandma Gingerich, Grandma Wagler/Armes, Jamie, Janice, Janell, and all of the grandkids :)

The grandmas and the grandkids!Great-Grandma & her great-grandchildren!

Baleigh, me, & Courtney

Mother's Day was wonderful!! Our family ate lunch at the Montgomery Park, and then came to our house for the rest of the day and evening! Today was one of those days that I just felt completely blessed inside and out. I have the strongest, loving family anyone could ever ask for. Thank you, Lord, for our health, love, and the sunshine... I felt my dad smiling down today. It is so easy to overlook the blessings that I have been given, and dwell on the negative side of things. On the days that I am broken, I let the hurt take over me and beat me down- on those days everything seems hopeless, like I'm still fighting for something that has already been lost. But days like today build my strength. I have to learn to let go, and let God. Letting go is something that I have never been good at- I want hold the reigns and steer my life in the direction that I think it should go, but on days like November 3rd I remember that I am only a passenger. God should be the one holding the reigns for my life, not me.

I hope everyone had a blessed Mother's Day!! I love you, Mom!!!!

~JM~

My Sister, My Friend

2009-05-07T21:55:00.004-05:00

Summer is finally here for me- I've been waiting on this day for way too long! Being home and with my family is where my heart is and always will be. Now I understand why I was blessed with such a loving and devoted family- God knew that us girls would have to go on without the only man in our lives, and how we'll ever make it, I don't know. Life just isn't as joyful anymore, and some of my heart feels like it will never heal, no matter how much time passes by. One special day I will know the reason- that's all that I can fall on for right now. But for the time being, I have two very special girls that God has so kindly blessed me with; they bring the biggest smile to my face and I love them with every inch of my heart. Spending the summer running around with them and my mom will be wonderful :) this is what I've waited on for the past 6 long months of my life. I found this beautiful poem that I thought I would share and dedicate to the sunshines of my life :)!

My Sister, My Friend

by Leanne Stiegman

To me you are an angel in disguise,

full of intuition, intelligent, and wise.

Always giving, helping me thru the good and bad-

you are the best friends I have ever had.

If I had one wish it would surely be,

to give you as much as you've given me.

Though I've put our relationship through some cloudy days,

you've been my sunshine in so many ways.

Through trials and tests, right by me you stood,

and gave me your hand whenever you could.

Thank you so much my sisters, my friends,

my love for you both will never reach an end.

The picture above is going to be engraved on my dad's tombstone- my mom had the neat idea!! I'll add a picture of the stone when it's finished, although I wouldn't mind if it took them a little longer than normal to complete it...

~JM~

Let Me Be There

2009-05-02T15:24:00.004-05:00

Where ever you go, wherever you may wander in your life

Surely you know, I always want to be there

Holding your hand, and standing by to catch you when you fall

Seeing you thru- in everything you do...

Let me be there in your morning, let me be there in your night

Let me take whatever's wrong and make it right

Let me take you to that wonderland where only we can go,

All I ask you- Is let me be there....

Ever since I was a little girl, my mom played this song for me. I used to beg and beg for her to play it- and I still do. I don't know what it is about that song; it just hits home for me I guess. She started playing this song when she was 16 and we still have the original sheet music for it, except for the two pages missing right out of the middle. So for most of the song, she plays by memory. Anyways, since my dad has been gone, this song has really touched my heart in a special kind of way. At times it feels like a wind blowing across my heart and I hear, "Brittany, let me be there." I guess the reason this song has touched me in such a unique way is because for 6 months I've been thinking that my dad can't be there for me unless he's physically here in my life, but that is the farthest thing from the truth that I've ever believed. Because he's here right now-in my heart and soul, in my strengths and weaknesses, in my accomplishments and failures, in my mind and my dreams... I can let him be there in my memory, and in all that I do and say. All I have to do is let him be there in his own way, now that he's no longer here to hug away the pain.

I love you, daddy, and I will forever let you be there for me until the day that I can run and jump into your arms while you swing me around, once I reach the gates of Heaven.

With all that I am,

~JM~

Not In Her Storm

2009-04-28T23:00:00.005-05:00

To a very special friend who I believe in with all of my heart:

Not In Her Storm
by Sauni

I see the clouds rolling in and bringing pouring rain

And it is always, I fight for the welcome change

When it rains it pours on this heart of mine

So, I take the storms I feel to her each time.

But I know she has lived under her own pouring rain

Yet under her water her heart still doesn't change

She can walk away from what hangs overhead

And, not in her storm, are words left unsaid.

Not in her storm have I ever felt alone

Her storm ends, so I may find my way home

It's for me that she pushes away her own rain

So, that I may find comfort in calling her name.

She lives in this world for the sake of another's heart-

How she eases the miles when worlds apart

And she never wanders when your world falls through

Not ever in her storm would she do this to you.

She has wings that I know not only I can see

Cause only an angel could find strength to carry me

It's the way that the eyes can surely view

How her heart's written so clearly in what an angel can do.

Not in her storm is her work ever done

And even in her storm she hands me the sun

When her world is dark - I always have light

And now how I hold the new color of night.

She takes then she gives to an unhappy face

So that many can find an amazing place

I have been able to love her more every day

And with her hand in mine the clouds roll away.

Not in any storm that I will ever live beneath

Could ever change what I hold here inside of me

Not in any of her storms have I lost my angels touch

To that angel out there, I love her so much.

After losing my dad, I prayed for the opportunity to be able to repay the people that were there for me and still are to this very day, but I never saw it coming to this. Sometimes I wonder why life works out the way it does, but that is for God to decide, not me. No matter how many hours I sit and ponder the ways of God, I will never come an inch closer to the wisdom He holds. Life seems unfair so many times, but I like to believe it's because there's a mountain top that I'm supposed to reach and on top of that mountain are unspeakable things that God has in store for me. There are days that I don't feel strong; that I'm weak, weary, and ready to give in, but I know that no matter how weak I am, God will never give up on me because I am here for a reason, and though I may never know that reason, it still brings a hope to my life- A hope to fight for what I have been given. I was given 19 beautiful years with a father that most little girls long for, a family that has shaped, touched, and transformed my life into what it is today, and friends that are willing to walk through the rain with me no matter how long my heart continues to bleed. I am so blessed to have the life that I do and even more blessed to share a special friendship with someone that I can be there for, while she is still there for me. Our journey towards healing may be long and treacherous, but together and with the help of others, we can make it up the mountain.

The picture above and these below were taken this past March in Sarasota, Florida. I know it's kind of late- but I thought I would share them anyway!

All my love,

~JM~

Breathe

2009-04-26T21:29:00.005-05:00

Me, Briona, & Baleigh at the Taylor Swift concert.

Look at how much taller she is than me!! She's passing me up... :)

My Beetle :) and a squishy little hamster!

Me & Regina camping!Me and my cousin, Cassondra, dressed and ready for prom!

Music starts playing like the end of a bad movie

It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see

Cause its tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And I know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE TO

BREATHE WITHOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE TO...

Last night was a rough night for me. As I stood there standing over my daddy, those lines from above kept running over and over in my head; it explains what the tough moments feel like. I just lose it when I think of the days I will have to go thru without him... and the days I've already trudged thru. My heart just yearns for him day and night... I miss him with an aching so deep that squeezes my heart without rest. So many nights I pray for this to be a bad movie that I can turn off and throw away, but it's real... and it's my life. I just lay there and weep with a heart that feels so empty and remember the times that it used to overflow. God, how can this be real?? Tonight as I tucked the girls in and we finished our prayers, I couldn't help but hold on for an extra second and think about their young ages... Will they remember him like I do ten years from now, or will I be the only one? Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me 7 more years with him than they got, but I come up with nothing. I know that my thoughts are running everywhere tonight- it just feels better to get it off of my chest.

With all of my heart,

~JM~

Blue Prints

2009-04-20T22:45:00.009-05:00

My cousin, Paige, Larryn, & I at the bday party...

Mark & I at his bday party!!

Me, Bri, & Bay after many long hours of basketball... :)

Briona Janise Miller

Baleigh Jalene Miller

This weekend was filled with lots of basketball and very little sleep! Friday night, mom and I had just fallen asleep and the phone rang... Grandma was having major problems with her eyes (she had just had cataract surgery the previous week) and we didn't know what to do, so we both went over there around 2 a.m. to figure something out. Come to find out the doctor was in Louisville for the night so she had to suffer thru the pain for the rest of the early morning. Luckily my aunt works at Wabash Eye Center so she was able to get her the needed medication before seeing the doctor. We finally got everything settled a few hours later, fell into bed, and woke up in time for the early games in Vincennes. Briona & Baleigh ended up playing at the exact same times for the morning and afternoon games, so mom & I had to split up and switch games so we could both watch one of Bri's and one of Bay's...... talk about missing dad. Sitting in the bleachers and cheering on the little girls without him just seems wrong. I can't even fully describe the emotions that were in my heart- pure aching is probably the closest I can come to explaining it. I know it isn't right to think this way, but so many times my heart just wants to scream out, "Why God???? Why him; why us??? And why NOW??" I know I will never fully understand why this happened or why our broken family has to trudge thru the struggles of this life without the backbone of our family, but I do know this: God's ways are not my ways and I can only see this tragedy thru my eyes, not His... I'm holding on to the fact that this is all part of a bigger plan; kind of like dad's blue prints for one of the houses he used to map out, but instead of being able to flip thru every page myself and see every angle drawn out, I can only see one angle, my angle here on Earth. God has drawn the blue prints for my life... now I have to allow Him to turn the pages on His timing, not mine.

Who am I

To understand your ways

Who am I

To give you anything but praise

Who am I

To try and solve the mystery

Behind the heart and soul of all that I believe

Who am I

-Point of Grace

~JM~

Easter Weekend

2009-04-12T19:12:00.006-05:00

Mom & Me after church...

Me, Briona, & Baleigh...

Laying in daddy's hammock..

Opening our Easter baskets!

Our Family

Daddy's girls

This weekend was spent with a lot of family time! Saturday, mom and I tried taking over dad's outside work. We put mulch down, pulled weeds, and cared for the pond... I didn't realize how much work that was!! I could barely straighten my back after being out there all day and I had to laugh at myself because here I am complaining at 20; I can only imagine how he felt being 50 and doing that work everyday!!! I spent Saturday night with my two little girls :) and we all woke up very early for Sunday Sunrise Service and then grandma's. This Easter Sunday was particularly special to me because it reminded me that Jesus CONQUERED DEATH and He will return again for us, and on that day the dead will rise first and we will all meet our Savior in the clouds. We also talked about Jesus' body and how the dead will have the body of Christ when they rise... I couldn't help but get goosebumps when I thought of my daddy having a body that was never weak, never sore, and never grew old.... And how excited I will be to see him again on that special day!!!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow... I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter weekend :)

~JM~

God it Hurts

2009-04-09T00:31:00.004-05:00

God it hurts

I said 'God it hurts'

And God said 'I Know'

I said 'God I cry alot'

And God said 'That's why I gave you tears'

I said 'God I get so depressed'

And God said 'That's why I gave you sunshine'

I said 'God I feel Alone'

And God said 'That's why I gave you loved ones'

I said 'God my loved one is dead'

And God said 'I watched mine be nailed to the cross'

I said God 'Where are they? '

And God said 'Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light'

I said 'God it hurts'

And God said 'I know'...

Amy Louise Kerswell

I have been asked the question several times..."Why did you decide to start a blog?"

I started this blog because it reminded me of life... the life that I lived with my dad still physically in my life. I write because I want to remember... the small things, the big moments; I want to remember everything about his life and the struggle that I am still going through today. I write so that others will remember him and see the impact he had on so many lives; I write so my sisters can see his life from my perspective once they're a little older, and for my mom so that we may fight for life together; I write to express myself and to see my small steps; I write what is on my heart.... I write for all of those reasons, but most of all, I write for the ones that will never know him. I write so that one day my children will be able to know the life of their grandpa and understand the reasons I wanted him in their lives so badly... I write for my future neices and nephews, so that our dad will always be a strong rock in our children's lives.... And finally, I write for him.... so that I may always see his smile, hear his laughter, and feel his arms wrapped so tightly around me, no matter where I may be.

~JM~

Realization

2009-04-05T20:11:00.008-05:00

I wish I could've captured the whole kitchen view... I stayed over at grandma's last Sunday night while mom and the girls were in Florida, and I enjoyed some late night "counter" conversation with Aunt Nell, Cassondra, Courtney, and grandma. :) Poor tucker was the only one left on the floor.

Me, Cassondra, and Courtney went prom dress shopping last weekend for Cassondra's upcoming Senior Prom... We had a lot of fun!!!
On Saturday I was assigned to teach 16, 6-year-olds at USI for one of my classes... I think I had as much fun as they did!!

Thursday afternoon I received a very nice letter from USI's education department and as I finished reading it, the very first thought that popped into my mind was, "I can't wait to call dad- he'll be so excited!" But as quickly as it came, it vanished, and I was left with a hole so big that it took my breath away. For one split second my life was what it used to be, and then it was over. The reality came washing over me with the realization that I'll never be able to dial his number and hear his voice again, or hear the reassurance he brought to my life. I'll never again laugh with him, cry with him, coach with him, sing with him, dance with him, grow another year older with him, or become closer in my relationship with him.... all of those things are in the past, and I am only 20 years old. How do I go on living the next 20 years without these things in my life??

Today, Shawn talked about bringing glory to God and that sometimes we go thru really tough times that we do not understand in order to bring glory to God's name. I can only pray that in the end, our family brings nothing but glory to God thru the passing of my dad. And I know that is exactly what he would've wanted us to do.

~JM~

Attitude

2009-03-30T23:37:00.006-06:00

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. I will make or break a company... a school... a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... WE ARE IN CHARGE OF OUR ATTITUDES!"

by Charles Swindoll

This quote was given to me in one of my education classes, but for me, it applies in many more situations than just school. Even though life seems to have thrown me in a dark closet and locked the door; I choose the attitude I will carry every morning that I wake up. There are days that it seems impossible to get out of bed and to face the morning without the love of a father that has been absent for almost 5 months. And saying "It's tough", does not even come close to what the pain really feels like, but God never promised me an easy, pain-free life. He allows me to go thru tough times so that day by day, my attitude will be set on the things above, where there will be no more pain, tears, and broken hearts, but only love, laughter, and praise!!

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2

Loving daddy...~JM~

Verses

2009-03-25T12:20:00.002-06:00

What do you do when sooo many emotions run thru your head on a daily basis? One minute I can be smiling and enjoying life, and the next minute I feel overwhelmed with a since of loss and emptiness. Today is one of those days that I miss my old life; the happiness, the care-free spirit and freedom that I once knew feels like it was only part of a long ago dream. A few months ago, the future held every dream, and I couldn't wait to live it. But now, it seems to be coming too fast while my feet are still stuck in the past and I just want it all to stop, even if it's only for 2 seconds, just let me take a breath!!

I decided to look up some verses to go along with the emotions that have been in my heart for the past couple of months:

1. Fear:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1-3).

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

2. Anxiety:

(Phillipians 4:6-7) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

3. Loss:

For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. (Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

(Revelation 21:4) He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~JM~

Eventful Monday!

2009-03-23T21:16:00.002-06:00

This afternoon after school was our very first Jr. High tennis practice! Amy and I were a little nervous going into it... I hadn't touched my tennis racket in over a year, so I was a little rusty :) but as soon as I held that racket in my hands, the love of tennis came rushing back to me!! Tonight was all about patience, but I enjoyed every single minute of it!!! As soon as our practice was over, I had to hammer down in order to make it to my night class at USI. I unloaded the girls at home (they stayed with me after school so mom could work later) packed my things, and drove to Evansville. Upon my arrival, my roommate called me with some scary news. Around 4 p.m., all of the fire alarms went off on the USI campus. Everyone assumed that it was just a drill, so many of the classes just stayed in the building. After a few minutes of the bells not being shut off, the classes evacuated and everyone was wondering what in the world was going on!! After some time outside, the news was finally let out... there had been a bomb threat! That was not exactly comforting news, knowing that I would be sitting in one of those buildings in a couple of hours. So as I walked into the door, I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath, and let my nerves subside. Nothing happened; everyone left campus safe and sound tonight. Praise God!!!

I found this quote while reading my daily devotional this evening, and I found it very fitting for the day that I had.

He knows when we go into the storm,
He watches over us in the storm, and
He can bring us out of the storm when
His purposes have been fulfilled. Warren Wiersbe

Reading this quote brings hope to my current storm because I know that it is all for a purpose. I would never have chosen a time for my dad to leave me... and I had to think that whether his age be 51 or 101, I would still have to go thru this exact storm. To be completely honest, this storm is brutal, aching, hurtful, and long; there are nights that seem like the tears will never stop pouring down and morning will never come, but I always wake up with new day laid out in front of me, because God wants me to keep climbing to find life again. There will still be many, many days that his loss will bring me to my knees, and I'll weep for what seems like hours, but deep down in my heart I will always know that God's plan is perfect, and nothing can take me away from Him, not even the days when it feels like going on is hopeless.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)

~JM~

Life

2009-03-22T17:29:00.005-06:00

So many times during the last four months, I have been questioned from my friends at school as to why I always come home on the weekends. I want to explain to them that life dramatically changed for me four months ago and because of that, I have also had to change. I am no longer only concerned about the future of my life, but also the future of my two little girls. I must admit that life in the past four months has opened my eyes to the responsibility of having children. Even though these two precious girls are not my own, I feel that they became my own after my dad was taken to heaven. I want them to have all of the opportunities that I was given with two parents, and I know I will never come close to the shoes that my dad filled, but at least I can be there to celebrate their lives with them. It's amazing how much laughter and joy two young lives can bring to my life. When I'm feeling down, I remember the lives that God has blessed me with and how precious life is. Every night I pray for God to give my girls the strength to remember all of the memories of our daddy. They're so young and I fear that day by day they will forget more and more. I find myself always bringing him into conversations because I want his memory to stay alive in us forever. The influence of a father's love to his daughters is like rain for the grass. It needs rain in order to grow. And because of this reason, I pray that his love will never die in us; as a matter of fact, I know it never will, because his love is the reason I wear this smile on my face.

Please continue to pray for us three and my beautiful mother.. the road ahead of us is still a very long one.

Briona & Baleigh were in a Gym Rats tourney this weekend in Jasper. That's where most of our weekend was spent :) Both teams did amazing!! I am very proud of my girls :)

Today, I went riding with a few friends and we got to be a little adventurous! We had a good time :)

I can see Your Halo..

2009-03-15T10:43:00.005-06:00

My friends & I returned home from Florida yesterday!! Let me just say that 16 hours in a car full of five girls was very interesting!! I'll cherish that trip forever. :) We stayed in Sarasota, Florida and rented a house right in the middle of Pine Craft, so we were pretty much right at home (for those of you who are familiar with the area, you know what I mean!). Going into the trip, I was expecting it to do wonders for me. I thought that maybe for a week I could just get away from my sorrows and all of the emotions that seem to be chaining me to this deep, dark hole that seems impossible to get out of... but the very first night proved me wrong. As I laid there sobbing for what seemed like years, I felt like a prisoner to the tears that always find a path down my face. Sarasota is sort of like a second home to my family; my dad's sister and their children's families live down there, so when we took a vacation to Florida, we always tried to head south to see them. Walking the streets at night and laying on the Siesta Key beach was enough for my thoughts to run wild. Everywhere I looked I could see him; living in the past of what my life used to consist of. And as I sat there watching the waves crash onto the sand, I felt like my heart was being drowned and I couldn't find the air to breath. It felt like with each wave that splashed onto the beach, my heart was being beat upon again and again, but I didn't know who I could scream at to yell "STOP!" The hard sand was like my heart, but with each wave it got softer and softer, and finally it was led back into the water to fend for itself. Many times I just feel so alone in my sorrow. It's been long enough that everyone else is moving on except me. For once, I just want to feel understood, but that's next to impossible. No matter the words I speak or the tears I cry, I feel that no only really understands. Don't get me wrong, I am in awe of the people that have stood by my side, but I still have those nights that I weep myself to sleep or battle nauseousness because of the loneliness that no one can fill. At night I pray for the day I find light again, but how much longer am I going to be in this darkness?? It's beginning to feel unbearable.

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Daddy I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Daddy I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away...

I can see your halo

Please don't think that I never have good days, because I do and I always will. I have so much to still be thankful for. At times it is easier to see all the good that God has blessed me with, and the other times I am taken aback. I guess I still need a lot of prayers and a lot of angels to help me stand up again!
~JM~

Birthday pics/ Spring Break

2009-03-05T22:37:00.003-06:00

Spring Break is finally here and I could not be more ready!!! I'm heading to Florida tomorrow night after the game with 4 wonderful girls... We've been anticipating this trip for what seems like years, but it's finally about time:). Please pray that we have a safe trip there and back, and that I can trust God to take care of my family while I'm away. I haven't been away from them this long in awhile, but I know we have many friends to watch over them while I'm away! My little sisters take up so many of my thoughts these days, I love them with every inch of my heart and I pray each night that I can provide enough love for them for me and for dad... He was always so worried about his girls!!

We have tough times ahead of us-- softball season is right around the corner and standing on that field without him will suck the life right out of me. Softball was his sport... he was on that field allll summer long coaching, umping, working concessions, and remodeling. I don't know how the softball board will ever find another person to fill in all that he did, it's next to impossible. I'm planning to help coach Baleigh's team again this year. Dad and I coached together last year, so this year I feel the need to stand in place for him- that's where he would want me to be.

Here are some pics from my 20th birthday bashes:

Dad, I never imagined celebrating a birthday without you. I missed you with every breath and always will. You filled me with so much life and spirit and I know you would still want me to live life to its fullest, but it's like pouring salt on an open sore and telling me to smile thru the pain.... my sore is just as big as it was the day you left me. I miss you so much...

~JM~

What's Left of Me

Random Thoughts & Confessions

Thankful

iLASIK

Quick Post!

The Dash

Melissa & Eric's Wedding

Unknown Future

Florida Favorites

New Babies...

Constant Struggle

Cut Off!

Erica Update

Please lift up this family!!!

December 2010

A Social Network Christmas

Photo-a-Day

Letter from Jamie

Letter to Daddy - Sent with love

Life the past month and a half

Senior Year Begins

Confusion, Lies, and Emptiness

Mid-Summer Quick Update

Goodbye Mustang

My Montage 6/20/10

Briona's Poem

Summer thus far..

Alan Jackson

School Students

Count your blessings...

Easter 2010

Valleys..

For I know the plans I have for you...

I love Justin Bieber

Blessed

New Blog

100th Post & 21st Birthday!!

There Is a God

Finding the Joy

Symbol of your Life

WoW!! That's a Low Price!

American Honey

53rd Birthday

Sisterhood Is..

New Years!

Christmas 2009

Christmas Outing!!

Life Legacies

Elf Yourself!!

Over the weekend...

Christmas is in the Air!!

Address in the Stars/ Lucky Man

All I Ask For Anymore

*LoVe LiVeS oN*

In Memory (pictures)

One year in Heaven..

Whoaaa Life!

What makes me smile..

Canada Fishing Trip

Amazing God

Over the weekend...

Pennsylvania Dutch

Forgive & you will be Forgiven

My relaxing weekend...

Malachi 3:3

Prayer!

Another year begins...

We reap what we sow...

*Best Summer Memories*

25th Anniversary

9 months without you...

A week's post in fast-forward!!

Bible School '09

Jim Miller Classic

This Coming Weekend..

Daddy's Little Girl..

Happy Father's Day -- Meet my Memories!!

Handicapped

Summer thus far...

I Did It!!

LoVe LiVeS oN

Best Summer Memories