Letter from Jamie

My letter to Jim:

I am sitting here on November 3rd, 2010 and just can't believe that today marks two years without you.

There have been so many things that have happened but I can't even begin to tell you everything. Just know that I have missed you from the very core of my being. I know we didn't have a perfect marriage and we were very different people, that is for sure, but we had a bond that I know we would have never broken. I know you felt the same way. We actually enjoyed each others company and we both loved to do a lot of the same things. But most importantly we had three beautiful girls that we both loved and adored and wanted to always be a family that was in it together. And we were!!!

I remember that last day, November 2nd before we left for church, you sat on the couch just waiting on my craziness to get ready and you said, "Jamie, you are gonna have to just start relaxing a little bit. Slow down." And I looked at you with a smirk and said "easy for you to say."

I look back at that time and wonder what I thought I was so busy about. I had no idea just how 'busy' I would become. We were a team, Jim, a good team! We shared everything... from the housecleaning to the girls' homework to the running them here and there to me being there in the morning to you being there in the afternoon. You did all the outside work (I supervised lol and brought you drinks and biscuits/gravy). I did most of the inside work. We shared the financial part of it. I am so lost without you. I feel like I am overloaded and overwhelmed most of the time. I have a harder time relaxing and enjoying life more now than I ever did two years ago!

And yet I have to try. I find myself looking forward to my girls being raised and out of school so that I know they "made it" and they are the people that God wants, and what you and I strived for. And yet when I do that I am going to miss the fun in just being with them, and enjoying them... and oh that hurts. So I will try, really try, to find that balance without you. But yet I know that I can't possibly be two parents and I wonder how can this be "God's plan?" I know there are so many children who don't have a dad who is around by choice.. so why take one who does? God's plan is one where there is a united family with one mom and one dad who stays together for the good of their family. Right?

You don't know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone to tell you something, to get your opinion about this or that, or to be excited about sharing something good. For instance, the first time Brittany made all A's in college (Wow!!), the tough time when Briona wanted to quit softball, then Baleigh quit softball but not before she made the most amazing catch in the outfield in the first Jim Miller Classic softball tourney ( you were that angel in the outfield I know and believe it!); and then Briona has developed into this beautiful, tall young lady and I need to talk to you about the boys and how much do I let her do and like I so need you to be there so those boys know they better not mess with our daughter, and I need you to talk to Baleigh to encourage her since her personality is so much like you use to be, and if you could see her play volleyball (Wow!). I really needed you here when Briona quit volleyball. I just couldn't stand it and I felt helpless and really needed you then. Then, of course, there is the 8th grade drama that you and I thought 'Beetle' would get to miss. Wrong. So I needed you to share my hurts and concerns to because after all you are the only one who understands my girls like I do.

If only we could have had you for a couple more years, to get through these teenage years, and so you could truly have witnessed their ballgames, and to see Brittany graduate with top honors in college. You did so much of the leg work, but never got to see them excel. You would be so proud. And you deserved to see it.

We went to be with Brittany last night in Evansville. We looked at pictures and the funeral slide show. On the way home this morning, it started to rain. It hasn't rained for weeks. I was thinking about us driving and I thought they were tears from you. But then I thought that can't be because there are no tears in Heaven, so I guess they represent my feelings.

So, in closing for now, I just want you to know that you are still so missed and always will be. There have been so many texts from family and friends who still remember and care about us. I feel so blessed. You touched a lot of lives, and I will try to live by your motto "Relax and enjoy life!!" You did such a great job of that!!!! I will do my best for our girls. It will never be the same, though. You were too important in our lives.

All my love,
Jamie

Letter to Daddy - Sent with love

Dear Daddy,

With November right around the corner I've been starting to have these thoughts again. Thoughts of the last day. Getting the phone call. Things I wish I would've done differently. Wishing I would have stayed on the phone with you for just a little while longer that last day. But then I'm knocked back into reality and I realize that what's done is done... there is no going back, no last hug, no last "I love you," no last goodbye. I know exactly what you would be telling me right now- you would tell me that it's okay to move on, actually you would probably make sure that I do. You always hated seeing me hurt and I always knew that look you got in your eyes when you were wishing you could protect me from all the pain in this world, but instead you would stand beside me through it all. Now I'm just having trouble remembering to look up instead of to my right or left- where you should still be. I know I am not God and that I do not see the bigger picture right now, but at times my memory makes me hurt more than less. I'm still learning... Learning to be still when my mind wants to wonder thru all of the 'what ifs,' learning to cling to someone else instead of bottling it up, learning that my heart will never fully mend, and learning that missing you will never get easier. In all of my life lessons, this is the one area you never prepared me for- you never taught me how to live without you, probably because you never thought I would have to. I know all of this may seem silly to you, with you being in Heaven and all, but sometimes it feels good just to get all of this stuff off my chest. It really weighs me down at times. Having said all of this, I just wanted to tell you that I love you so, so much and I miss you with a pain that I've never known before. As many years as I continue to age, I will never forget your memory, or the love that you always gave me even though I didn't always deserve it. I want to thank you for not only being a father, but also a friend and so many other things to me. Words will never express how thankful I am that God allowed you to be my daddy for 19 years. And don't worry, I'll 'have fun and be safe' as you always told me before I left.

Can't wait to see you again... Love your daughter, Brittany.

Life the past month and a half

Concerts..

Shooting a music video with Jason Clutter!!

Volleyball games..

and more volleyball games...


Friends :)

Mud Volleyball 2010

High School buddies ;)

And growing baby bumps!!!!! (Regina & Danielle)

School has been in full swing for 7 weeks and it seems that life has a way of flying by without much time to sit back and reflect on what all is going on around me!! I would much rather be busy than bored though, because business keeps my sad thoughts at bay (November will mark 2 years that my dad has been gone- unbelievable). Lately I've been very busy with school, Praxis II stuff, graduation requirements, the girls' volleyball games, trying to find time to fit into 2 teenage lives (key word: trying), and all the other busy stuff everyday life entails...

About 4 weeks ago, I started working at the Children's Center at USI for a couple hours, three times a week, and although it's been difficult learning the ropes, there is this one experience that keeps popping into my head and it keeps me going... The 2's Room recently got a new little girl who had trouble adjusting and wasn't comfortable being touched, or near other adults besides her parents. This little girl came in, clinging to her daddy, not wanting to let go. I could see fear written all over her face. He introduced her to us and set her down on the steps, trying to fade into the background. She immediately sat in the corner and kept to herself. I just watched her for a little while... we would make eye contact every few seconds and then she would glance away. Ater a few minutes I went and sat on the steps, a few feet away from her, and started talking about things in the room or whatever came to mind and just let her listen. After a few more minutes I moved to the bottom of the steps... a few minutes after that, she came down the stairs too. She looked a little wobbly climbing down those stairs, so I slowly reached out my hand to her, she looked at me for a minute, and then she took it!!! Her dad was standing furthur back and I could tell he was excited. He told me he was very suprised she reached out for me and that she seemed comfortable around me for some reason. She was my little buddy for the rest of the day.

That experience is what makes teaching so exciting for me- it's that one child that no one can seem to get to or understand and by one simple gesture of kindness, all of that fear of letting someone in is gone. It's one of the most amazing feelings...

Senior Year Begins

Well, here it is.... Another school year begins, and this time it will be my last!!! I cannot believe that 3 years of school has flown by so quickly and I am left facing my final year of college, student teaching, Praxis II examinations, a diploma, and then finally the nerve-wracking job searching. My heart has been so anxious with the fear of not being able to find a job, but I have to leave that to God. He knows where He wants me and He has the timing of it already planned out. I just have to remember that my ways are not His ways (so much easier said than done!).

We have been busy, busy with Briona (freshman) & Baleigh's (8th) volleyball games (5 total for this week!!). I will be so, so happy when they are both in high school so that mom & I will only have one vball schedule and don't have to stress about splitting up when they both play on the same night. My heart aches that it causes so much worry, wondering which child we will watch on certain nights and then switch for the next. I just hope they know that they are sooo loved, and that even if they may only have one fan sitting in the bleachers, they have two fathers in heaven cheering louder than the whole gym combined.

Tomorrow the whole family gathers at gma's for a yummy Sunday dinner before I head off to school! I am so blessed to have such a close family... The Lord knew we were going to need it!!!!
Hope everyone has a good week!!!

Until next time,
JM

Confusion, Lies, and Emptiness

Tonight I'm writing with a heart full of confusion. Confusion in myself, in my heart, and in my head. I don't understand the emotions going thru me, or the reasons why i'm feeling this way. I guess I should start at the beginning so you can understand where I'm coming from. (This is taking a lot of strength in me to be so open and share this with the 'blogger world' but something in my heart is telling me to write, so here I am).

About 4 months ago, I met someone that I started to fall for quickly. I loved his personality, his work ethic, and his way of loving life and all of that combined intrigued me to find out more about him, and who he was as a person. Along the way, there were red flags that I didn't understand, and I shrugged them off because I thought I knew him and what I was doing, but in the end I was completely mistaken. The more I got to know him, the more I believed this lie that he was feeding me about who he was, and the lies that I kept telling my heart. On July 5th all of these lies came out; I understood why I was feeling these uncertainties with him, and why I kept shrugging them off. In the end, he was not only dating me, but seeing 2 others on the side, and lying to me throughout it all. The good thing that I've learned since then is that I should listen to the 'red flags' going through my head and allow them to question my heart, and my intentions. I am happy to say that I'm completely done with that whole mess and my heart has since moved on.

Present Day: Last night, I went on a date with a guy that is perfect in almost every way. He's respectful, thoughtful, funny, caring, goal-oriented, and the list could go on and on.... Last night he did everything right; from planning the date without any input from me, to dropping me off and walking me to the front door with every good intention of doing it again. The only problem was, I felt that something was missing. I don't know what it was because this guy has everything I want in someone, but my heart felt empty. I cried myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me... Here is this perfect guy that would treat me like a queen, and I feel completely shut down by the entire situation. Here is someone that would date me, and only me, and I don't want it. I guess what I'm feeling now is that I'm scared that I'm searching for something that isn't real, or that I'll never find it. I feel like something is wrong with me for not wanting to give this a chance, but I just can't help it.

I hope by this point you don't think I'm crazy. I guess what I need right now is a little prayer, or maybe a piece of advice so that I know I'm normal to feel this way:) Thank you for understanding, fellow bloggers.

Lots of love,
Brittany

Mid-Summer Quick Update

1. Summer class: check
2. Car-shopping: done!!
3. Jim Miller Classic: amazing & very successful!!!
4. Enjoying the rest of summer vacation: yes, yes, yes:)


My new car: Nissan Altima!!

July 4- Evansville

2nd Annual Jim Miller Classic: July 8-12, 2010

Me and bay-bay watching games in the hot, summer heat!
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am!!!!

~JM~

Goodbye Mustang

I recently put the "For Sale" sign up on my car, and got news from an interested girl a few days later who will most likely be the one to drive away with it!! It's going to be a little tough for me to part ways with it (I know; I'm sentimental!) because it holds a special memory of my dad bringing it home to me.

Around 15, my parents and I started discussing cars and it came down to about 2-3 that we started looking at. Of course, I was the only one that was set on a Mustang- that's the only one I wanted!! A few months later, my dad went away on a "business trip" that I did not know the whereabouts of or why he was going, so I kissed him goodbye and welcomed him home a couple days later. He picked me up from softball practice the day he returned home and we had our usual conversations from the field until we pulled in the drive. To this day, I can still remember the look on his face when he parked his truck, reached down to grab something, and pulled up a single key saying, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you- I brought something home for ya!" I grabbed the key, tore into the garage, ripped off the cover they had over the car, and suprise- there set the exact Mustang that I had wanted!! What a spoiled girl I was on that very day, I had my dream car that I didn't deserve, and two healthy, loving parents celebrating a big milestone in my life with me, never thinking that one far-off day I would be celebrating milestones with only one parent... Thank you, Jesus, for memories!

~JM~