Letter from Jamie

My letter to Jim:

I am sitting here on November 3rd, 2010 and just can't believe that today marks two years without you.

There have been so many things that have happened but I can't even begin to tell you everything. Just know that I have missed you from the very core of my being. I know we didn't have a perfect marriage and we were very different people, that is for sure, but we had a bond that I know we would have never broken. I know you felt the same way. We actually enjoyed each others company and we both loved to do a lot of the same things. But most importantly we had three beautiful girls that we both loved and adored and wanted to always be a family that was in it together. And we were!!!

I remember that last day, November 2nd before we left for church, you sat on the couch just waiting on my craziness to get ready and you said, "Jamie, you are gonna have to just start relaxing a little bit. Slow down." And I looked at you with a smirk and said "easy for you to say."

I look back at that time and wonder what I thought I was so busy about. I had no idea just how 'busy' I would become. We were a team, Jim, a good team! We shared everything... from the housecleaning to the girls' homework to the running them here and there to me being there in the morning to you being there in the afternoon. You did all the outside work (I supervised lol and brought you drinks and biscuits/gravy). I did most of the inside work. We shared the financial part of it. I am so lost without you. I feel like I am overloaded and overwhelmed most of the time. I have a harder time relaxing and enjoying life more now than I ever did two years ago!

And yet I have to try. I find myself looking forward to my girls being raised and out of school so that I know they "made it" and they are the people that God wants, and what you and I strived for. And yet when I do that I am going to miss the fun in just being with them, and enjoying them... and oh that hurts. So I will try, really try, to find that balance without you. But yet I know that I can't possibly be two parents and I wonder how can this be "God's plan?" I know there are so many children who don't have a dad who is around by choice.. so why take one who does? God's plan is one where there is a united family with one mom and one dad who stays together for the good of their family. Right?

You don't know how many times I wanted to pick up the phone to tell you something, to get your opinion about this or that, or to be excited about sharing something good. For instance, the first time Brittany made all A's in college (Wow!!), the tough time when Briona wanted to quit softball, then Baleigh quit softball but not before she made the most amazing catch in the outfield in the first Jim Miller Classic softball tourney ( you were that angel in the outfield I know and believe it!); and then Briona has developed into this beautiful, tall young lady and I need to talk to you about the boys and how much do I let her do and like I so need you to be there so those boys know they better not mess with our daughter, and I need you to talk to Baleigh to encourage her since her personality is so much like you use to be, and if you could see her play volleyball (Wow!). I really needed you here when Briona quit volleyball. I just couldn't stand it and I felt helpless and really needed you then. Then, of course, there is the 8th grade drama that you and I thought 'Beetle' would get to miss. Wrong. So I needed you to share my hurts and concerns to because after all you are the only one who understands my girls like I do.

If only we could have had you for a couple more years, to get through these teenage years, and so you could truly have witnessed their ballgames, and to see Brittany graduate with top honors in college. You did so much of the leg work, but never got to see them excel. You would be so proud. And you deserved to see it.

We went to be with Brittany last night in Evansville. We looked at pictures and the funeral slide show. On the way home this morning, it started to rain. It hasn't rained for weeks. I was thinking about us driving and I thought they were tears from you. But then I thought that can't be because there are no tears in Heaven, so I guess they represent my feelings.

So, in closing for now, I just want you to know that you are still so missed and always will be. There have been so many texts from family and friends who still remember and care about us. I feel so blessed. You touched a lot of lives, and I will try to live by your motto "Relax and enjoy life!!" You did such a great job of that!!!! I will do my best for our girls. It will never be the same, though. You were too important in our lives.

All my love,
Jamie