Believe

Lately I have found myself worrying about my life.. I have a fear of what's to come; a fear of going on and forgetting the man that I love with all that I am. It's so hard waking up, trying to hear the voice that I used to hear every day, become silent. I am beginning to forget... and that sucks the life out of me. If only I would listen for God's voice in the morning, instead of my own, my fear would diminish. I found an excerpt from "The Shack" about fear and it smacked me right in the face; I think this is what I needed to hear...

Do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear, rarely, if ever, pictures me (God) there with you?

"Why do I do that?" asked Mack.

"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it; but you don't know it. -Jesus

I KNOW God is good, and I know that He works for the good of those who love him, but at times, it's hard to see the good.

~JM~

Wind Beneath my Wings

Today was one of my good days! Lately, I've been listening to Point of Grace in my car, and some of their songs are just so inspiring! I've found one that I absolutely love, but I'll share that with you later. On the way to observe my students, I found my mind reminiscing. I thought back to the last time I saw my daddy, and I realized that there is a lot I haven't shared about my life before my dad was called home.

I look back on pictures at the beginning of my sophomore year (September 2008) and as I stare into my face, I feel that I am looking upon a stranger. My smile was real!! I was happy, care-free, and full of life-- if only my life could've stayed that way, I wonder where I would be right now. Unlike my freshman year, I began to stay the weekends in Evansville.... I was dating a guy, Nick. I stayed every Friday night to be with him, and towards the end of October I stayed most Saturday nights too. This was very unusual for me- I'm such a homebody and family person, but I felt ready to start something new! Little did I know that the clock was winding down for my daddy. (I do want you to know that I spoke to every family member every single night before I went to bed; I can't sleep without them knowing how much I love them.) Thankfully, that last weekend I decided to come home Saturday night for the girls' volleyball sectional. I didn't get home until 4:30-5 p.m. and my mom and dad were in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner dishes. I walked in and immediately my dad's arms opened and he said, "Hey sweetie, we missed you." He went on to talk, but that sentence will be one that I will never forget. I ate my last supper with my daddy that night...That supper will never compare to anything else in this world. If only I could've slowed the clock; I would've let time stand still forever. My parents left for the game, and that was the last time I saw him. I spent the night at Meredith's house that night, and he left for the game that next morning.

I guess a lot of my hurt was my guilt. I would give anything to go back and change my weekends away- just to be near him meant the world to me. Later on, mom told me that he would only smile and say, "She's growing up," whenever he learned that I wouldn't be home until a Saturday or Sunday. He was excited to see me spread my wings. If only he knew that he was the wind beneath my wings. He was the only reason that I was able to fly, because he loved me with all that he had. And now that my wings are gone I feel broken, incomplete, and unable to grasp the concept of flying. The truth is, I don't even want to fly... without him. But lately, I've finally realized I do not have to fly without him, because he's already flying... above me! The song that I wanted to share is called, "Day by day." It goes something like this:

Day by day

We're coming closer

Makin' our way

clearer and straighter

turnin' our faces into the Light

And I can't wait to fall at Your glory

On my face

God of the morning

You're coming closer..

Day by day

To me the verse means this: Every day I get a little stronger, and last a little longer. My path becomes clearer so that I may walk and not stumble. Every day, God's face becomes closer to me, because His mercies are new each morning. And one of these mornings, I will be able to walk the streets of gold with my daddy, hand-in-hand, and this time we will never have to let go. What an awesome God we serve!!!

As for Nick & I now, we're just friends!.... Our paths in life are very different. Below are some pics from first semester...

Let there be Holes in the Floor of Heaven...

One day SHY OF the big 2-0

and Daddy's passed away

I was a broken hearted, solemn girl

blowing out that birthday cake

How I cried when the sky let go with a cold and lonesome rain

Momma smiled said don't be sad child

Daddy's watchin you today

'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and his tears are pourin' down

that's how you know he's watchin'

wishin' he could be here now

And sometimes if you're lonely, just remember he can see

there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and he's watchin' over you and me...

It's hard to imagine that 20 years have gone by since by dad was anxiously awaiting my arrival... If only he could see me now- how I've grown up in the past three months that he's been gone, he would be speechless. Believing that he can't see me now is like telling me to lose my faith, so I'm going on with the hope that he can still see me, still see my smile, still hear my laughter, and still watch me from up above. It's kind of neat to think that last year he only saw me blow out my candles, but this year he gets to experience it with me and hear every wish that floats up to heaven....I miss you so much.

~JM~

Weekend Update!

Mom's surgery went great! She was released Saturday afternoon... We both came home completely exhausted from the little sleep the night before!! I ended up taking a much needed 4 hour nap:), went to the girls' sectional, and came home to spend some time with my momma, aunts, and cousin, Courtney:)!!

Today was one of those 'tough days'. I can't even explain what it feels like to be eating dinner and blowing out my birthday candles at my grandma's without my dad there, standing among the rest... It's like a quietness that can't escape. As I was opening my cards, the tears came and I knew there was no holding it back. I sat there weeping, clinging to my mom with all our family's hands outstretched to us, and I thought how blessed I was to be placed in this family. It was such a bittersweet moment- crying for all that I've lost, but smiling thru the tears for all that I have been given.

Me, Bri, & Bay doing some outside work!!

My Aunt Janell, me, and Courtney at grandma's...

February birthdays... Tyler, Brittany, & Tyson Jay!
All of our beautiful flowers... I love our house right now!!:)

My mom and her two sisters...:)

Daddy, please be by my side on Tuesday, celebrating with me the joy of another year. I miss you more than words can express... I love you with all of my heart.

~JM~

Pray Out Loud!

Tonight I'm just gonna be short & sweet- 6 a.m. will come way too early in the morning!! When you think of us tomorrow, please, please, say a little prayer for my mom!! She's scheduled for surgery at 10 a.m., so we will be spending all day Friday & Saturday morning at the hospital- fun, fun!! Also, pray for some peace for me... hospitals make me anxious nowadays... I hope all of you have a blessed weekend:)

~JM~

Fan of My Life

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

It is so easy to look into the future and dream about all that could've been- all my hopes, my dreams, my trials- they all had my dad standing next to me, holding me up thru the storm of this life. It's like counting on someone that has promised to be there, and suddenly when you realize they won't make it, you feel beat down and discouraged. How could it have went from perfect to empty all in one single breath? I never thought the day would come that I would have to stand over my daddy's lifeless body and say goodbye for the final time. The final touch, the final kiss, the final whisper, and the final glance all on that FINAL day. As I stood there trying to memorize every crease, every wrinkle, every feature; I realized that he would never get another crease between his brows from worrying about my 'growing up', he would never gain a new wrinkle from working out in the sun all day, and his face would never feature anything that I didn't recognize because he laid it all out for me, for my sisters, and for my mother. Instead, he would remain by his love that he already instilled in me- he would ALWAYS be a fan of my life no matter how many times I messed up, no matter how many times I fell, he would never leave me. And as I lay here tonight, I now understand what he meant...No matter how far apart we were from eachother, nothing could seperate his love for me, and even though we are now worlds apart, he is still there- just from a different angle. He is still cheering for me on the sidelines of my life, all I have to do is remember...

~JM~

It Won't Be Like THis For Long...

I've recently fallen in love with the new Darius Rucker song, "It Won't Be Like This for Long." (I've added it to my blog so if you've never heard it just turn up your volume!) The first time I heard it, tears rolled down my face and I thought, "if only I would've remembered this thru out the years." My daddy always knew that I wouldn't be young for long, but how was I to know my life wouldn't be like it was for long. Can I just have one more day?? I would give anything to re-live my years again... to have all of the world in front of my with my daddy by my side, but now I feel like the world is behind me and I'm left in the dark searching for something that used to be. I've never felt an emptiness this deep, or a pain so gripping- there are days that I could lay in bed all day and just cry... cry out for a life that was lost so early. I walk thru out the house and in every room I can still see him in my head, and I beg for the image to stick just once. I have no idea how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him...it's like a nightmare that you never wake up from...

~JM~

Everything Rides on Hope Now...

As I woke up this morning and got ready for church, I was listening to a song called, Hope Now, by Addison Road. This song is just absolutely awesome!! If only I could rely on this song all the time, my world would not be shaken, but at times I let the other stuff in and it takes the better of me. How easily I have forgotten WHO I belong to... this morning in church, as the tears were streaming down my face, I remembered that I am not my own and I have someone to rely on- but to receive that love I must have faith. What I have really forgotten is that God has experienced the same hurt that I am going thru right now. For me, it is so easy to say, "You have no idea what this feels like," and go on with the pain all bottled up inside. Somehow, some way, my life is riding on hope...a hope that will be fulfilled when I can jump into the arms of both of my fathers that have given me this life as a gift....My Heavenly Father, and my daddy that I miss more with every beat of my heart.

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

This love sets me free

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok and

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

everything rides on hope now

everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

This love sets me free

~JM~