Senior Year Begins

Well, here it is.... Another school year begins, and this time it will be my last!!! I cannot believe that 3 years of school has flown by so quickly and I am left facing my final year of college, student teaching, Praxis II examinations, a diploma, and then finally the nerve-wracking job searching. My heart has been so anxious with the fear of not being able to find a job, but I have to leave that to God. He knows where He wants me and He has the timing of it already planned out. I just have to remember that my ways are not His ways (so much easier said than done!).

We have been busy, busy with Briona (freshman) & Baleigh's (8th) volleyball games (5 total for this week!!). I will be so, so happy when they are both in high school so that mom & I will only have one vball schedule and don't have to stress about splitting up when they both play on the same night. My heart aches that it causes so much worry, wondering which child we will watch on certain nights and then switch for the next. I just hope they know that they are sooo loved, and that even if they may only have one fan sitting in the bleachers, they have two fathers in heaven cheering louder than the whole gym combined.

Tomorrow the whole family gathers at gma's for a yummy Sunday dinner before I head off to school! I am so blessed to have such a close family... The Lord knew we were going to need it!!!!
Hope everyone has a good week!!!

Until next time,
JM

Confusion, Lies, and Emptiness

Tonight I'm writing with a heart full of confusion. Confusion in myself, in my heart, and in my head. I don't understand the emotions going thru me, or the reasons why i'm feeling this way. I guess I should start at the beginning so you can understand where I'm coming from. (This is taking a lot of strength in me to be so open and share this with the 'blogger world' but something in my heart is telling me to write, so here I am).

About 4 months ago, I met someone that I started to fall for quickly. I loved his personality, his work ethic, and his way of loving life and all of that combined intrigued me to find out more about him, and who he was as a person. Along the way, there were red flags that I didn't understand, and I shrugged them off because I thought I knew him and what I was doing, but in the end I was completely mistaken. The more I got to know him, the more I believed this lie that he was feeding me about who he was, and the lies that I kept telling my heart. On July 5th all of these lies came out; I understood why I was feeling these uncertainties with him, and why I kept shrugging them off. In the end, he was not only dating me, but seeing 2 others on the side, and lying to me throughout it all. The good thing that I've learned since then is that I should listen to the 'red flags' going through my head and allow them to question my heart, and my intentions. I am happy to say that I'm completely done with that whole mess and my heart has since moved on.

Present Day: Last night, I went on a date with a guy that is perfect in almost every way. He's respectful, thoughtful, funny, caring, goal-oriented, and the list could go on and on.... Last night he did everything right; from planning the date without any input from me, to dropping me off and walking me to the front door with every good intention of doing it again. The only problem was, I felt that something was missing. I don't know what it was because this guy has everything I want in someone, but my heart felt empty. I cried myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me... Here is this perfect guy that would treat me like a queen, and I feel completely shut down by the entire situation. Here is someone that would date me, and only me, and I don't want it. I guess what I'm feeling now is that I'm scared that I'm searching for something that isn't real, or that I'll never find it. I feel like something is wrong with me for not wanting to give this a chance, but I just can't help it.

I hope by this point you don't think I'm crazy. I guess what I need right now is a little prayer, or maybe a piece of advice so that I know I'm normal to feel this way:) Thank you for understanding, fellow bloggers.

Lots of love,
Brittany

Mid-Summer Quick Update

1. Summer class: check
2. Car-shopping: done!!
3. Jim Miller Classic: amazing & very successful!!!
4. Enjoying the rest of summer vacation: yes, yes, yes:)


My new car: Nissan Altima!!

July 4- Evansville

2nd Annual Jim Miller Classic: July 8-12, 2010

Me and bay-bay watching games in the hot, summer heat!
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am!!!!

~JM~

Goodbye Mustang

I recently put the "For Sale" sign up on my car, and got news from an interested girl a few days later who will most likely be the one to drive away with it!! It's going to be a little tough for me to part ways with it (I know; I'm sentimental!) because it holds a special memory of my dad bringing it home to me.

Around 15, my parents and I started discussing cars and it came down to about 2-3 that we started looking at. Of course, I was the only one that was set on a Mustang- that's the only one I wanted!! A few months later, my dad went away on a "business trip" that I did not know the whereabouts of or why he was going, so I kissed him goodbye and welcomed him home a couple days later. He picked me up from softball practice the day he returned home and we had our usual conversations from the field until we pulled in the drive. To this day, I can still remember the look on his face when he parked his truck, reached down to grab something, and pulled up a single key saying, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you- I brought something home for ya!" I grabbed the key, tore into the garage, ripped off the cover they had over the car, and suprise- there set the exact Mustang that I had wanted!! What a spoiled girl I was on that very day, I had my dream car that I didn't deserve, and two healthy, loving parents celebrating a big milestone in my life with me, never thinking that one far-off day I would be celebrating milestones with only one parent... Thank you, Jesus, for memories!

~JM~

My Montage 6/20/10

Father's Day 2010

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Briona's Poem

This beautiful girl turned 15 on the 23rd...

and is the author of this beautiful poem...

Death

Who says death in a family is easy?

Death in a family can make a family stronger

or break a family and cause some drama.

When you go to sleep at night you think everything is fine,

you can think of a good thought

or how life is treating you good.

That thought can change in a blink of an eye,

waking up to a phone call at 11 or 12 a.m.

hearing your dad is in the hospital miles away.

Fear is in my body, leaving me with not knowing what to think.

I want to think it is just a minor thing

but that can change too.

When we arrive to the hospital we are told the horrifying news,

that my dad just passed away an hour before we got there.

You can hear the passion of care and hurt in the doctor's voice.

But what to think and do is the question.

Should I be angry, scared, or sick?

All I can see is screaming, kicking, and crying

and all I think is why, why, why?

As I fall to the ground bursting into tears.

Morning comes and we arrive home and the news is around

people show up to tell us how sorry they are.

They say they hurt also, but do they hurt as bad as we do?

They say they know what we're going through,

but do they really know how hurt we are, how much we have cried already,

or possibly how hard it will be to go to sleep at night,

knowing I lost my best friend, my dad?

In the end, it feels like my heart got ripped out of me,

so much pain is inside of me that won't come out,

so much for a fourteen year old to handle at a young age.

And it will never change.

As soon as I read this poem, I wanted to yell out to God asking, "Why would you let this little girl suffer so much pain before she even enters high school? Why must she and her younger sister go through life without their daddy beside them; hearing other girls her age talk and love on their daddies while her hands are empty?" It is unfair. Period. No explanation, no understanding, just plain and simply unfair. My heart and soul will never understand this unfairness, but I have to keep going, because the sun keeps rising and setting, and cars keep flying by me as if my life is the same as it was a year and seven months ago..... But it's not. When I feel that I have no tears left to cry, and no pain left to squeeze out, sometimes I can see this....

....and for one split second, the pain is gone....

Summer thus far..

Well, I've been out of school for 2 weeks and haven't found the time to update!!! Last weekend, me and a few friends traveled down to Nashville to go on a 3 mile walk for The Children's Tumor Foundation for little Adrian Wagler!! She is such a sweet little girl and I pray that one day soon they will be able to find a cure to this disease so that she may live the life all little girls deserve...
Wednesday morning I started a sore throat and I thought it would pass, as it normally does, but Thursday morning I woke up not feeling much better so I made a trip to Quickcare and sure enough it was strep throat! I hate being sick and the antibiotics I'm on make me feel even sicker!!
On Thursday a good friend of mine (Brooke) left for Zambia to do some mission work, so I wanted to ask for prayer for safety and as she works with children and the people there while she spreads the love of God!!! She will be there until mid-July!!
I also signed up for a chemistry summer class (which I'm now regretting :)) but I thought it would be nice to get it out of the way so that in the fall I will only have 12 hours of classes and more time to spend on preparing for student teaching and graduation!!!
Hopefully I'll find the time to update with some pics soon :)...
~JM~