Attitude

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. I will make or break a company... a school... a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... WE ARE IN CHARGE OF OUR ATTITUDES!"

by Charles Swindoll

This quote was given to me in one of my education classes, but for me, it applies in many more situations than just school. Even though life seems to have thrown me in a dark closet and locked the door; I choose the attitude I will carry every morning that I wake up. There are days that it seems impossible to get out of bed and to face the morning without the love of a father that has been absent for almost 5 months. And saying "It's tough", does not even come close to what the pain really feels like, but God never promised me an easy, pain-free life. He allows me to go thru tough times so that day by day, my attitude will be set on the things above, where there will be no more pain, tears, and broken hearts, but only love, laughter, and praise!!

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2

Loving daddy...~JM~

Verses

What do you do when sooo many emotions run thru your head on a daily basis? One minute I can be smiling and enjoying life, and the next minute I feel overwhelmed with a since of loss and emptiness. Today is one of those days that I miss my old life; the happiness, the care-free spirit and freedom that I once knew feels like it was only part of a long ago dream. A few months ago, the future held every dream, and I couldn't wait to live it. But now, it seems to be coming too fast while my feet are still stuck in the past and I just want it all to stop, even if it's only for 2 seconds, just let me take a breath!!

I decided to look up some verses to go along with the emotions that have been in my heart for the past couple of months:

1. Fear:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1-3).

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

2. Anxiety:

(Phillipians 4:6-7) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

"Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

3. Loss:

For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. (Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

(Revelation 21:4) He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

~JM~

Eventful Monday!

This afternoon after school was our very first Jr. High tennis practice! Amy and I were a little nervous going into it... I hadn't touched my tennis racket in over a year, so I was a little rusty :) but as soon as I held that racket in my hands, the love of tennis came rushing back to me!! Tonight was all about patience, but I enjoyed every single minute of it!!! As soon as our practice was over, I had to hammer down in order to make it to my night class at USI. I unloaded the girls at home (they stayed with me after school so mom could work later) packed my things, and drove to Evansville. Upon my arrival, my roommate called me with some scary news. Around 4 p.m., all of the fire alarms went off on the USI campus. Everyone assumed that it was just a drill, so many of the classes just stayed in the building. After a few minutes of the bells not being shut off, the classes evacuated and everyone was wondering what in the world was going on!! After some time outside, the news was finally let out... there had been a bomb threat! That was not exactly comforting news, knowing that I would be sitting in one of those buildings in a couple of hours. So as I walked into the door, I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath, and let my nerves subside. Nothing happened; everyone left campus safe and sound tonight. Praise God!!!

I found this quote while reading my daily devotional this evening, and I found it very fitting for the day that I had.

He knows when we go into the storm,
He watches over us in the storm, and
He can bring us out of the storm when
His purposes have been fulfilled. Warren Wiersbe

Reading this quote brings hope to my current storm because I know that it is all for a purpose. I would never have chosen a time for my dad to leave me... and I had to think that whether his age be 51 or 101, I would still have to go thru this exact storm. To be completely honest, this storm is brutal, aching, hurtful, and long; there are nights that seem like the tears will never stop pouring down and morning will never come, but I always wake up with new day laid out in front of me, because God wants me to keep climbing to find life again. There will still be many, many days that his loss will bring me to my knees, and I'll weep for what seems like hours, but deep down in my heart I will always know that God's plan is perfect, and nothing can take me away from Him, not even the days when it feels like going on is hopeless.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. (John 14:27)

~JM~

Life

So many times during the last four months, I have been questioned from my friends at school as to why I always come home on the weekends. I want to explain to them that life dramatically changed for me four months ago and because of that, I have also had to change. I am no longer only concerned about the future of my life, but also the future of my two little girls. I must admit that life in the past four months has opened my eyes to the responsibility of having children. Even though these two precious girls are not my own, I feel that they became my own after my dad was taken to heaven. I want them to have all of the opportunities that I was given with two parents, and I know I will never come close to the shoes that my dad filled, but at least I can be there to celebrate their lives with them. It's amazing how much laughter and joy two young lives can bring to my life. When I'm feeling down, I remember the lives that God has blessed me with and how precious life is. Every night I pray for God to give my girls the strength to remember all of the memories of our daddy. They're so young and I fear that day by day they will forget more and more. I find myself always bringing him into conversations because I want his memory to stay alive in us forever. The influence of a father's love to his daughters is like rain for the grass. It needs rain in order to grow. And because of this reason, I pray that his love will never die in us; as a matter of fact, I know it never will, because his love is the reason I wear this smile on my face.

Please continue to pray for us three and my beautiful mother.. the road ahead of us is still a very long one.

Briona & Baleigh were in a Gym Rats tourney this weekend in Jasper. That's where most of our weekend was spent :) Both teams did amazing!! I am very proud of my girls :)

Today, I went riding with a few friends and we got to be a little adventurous! We had a good time :)

I can see Your Halo..

My friends & I returned home from Florida yesterday!! Let me just say that 16 hours in a car full of five girls was very interesting!! I'll cherish that trip forever. :) We stayed in Sarasota, Florida and rented a house right in the middle of Pine Craft, so we were pretty much right at home (for those of you who are familiar with the area, you know what I mean!). Going into the trip, I was expecting it to do wonders for me. I thought that maybe for a week I could just get away from my sorrows and all of the emotions that seem to be chaining me to this deep, dark hole that seems impossible to get out of... but the very first night proved me wrong. As I laid there sobbing for what seemed like years, I felt like a prisoner to the tears that always find a path down my face. Sarasota is sort of like a second home to my family; my dad's sister and their children's families live down there, so when we took a vacation to Florida, we always tried to head south to see them. Walking the streets at night and laying on the Siesta Key beach was enough for my thoughts to run wild. Everywhere I looked I could see him; living in the past of what my life used to consist of. And as I sat there watching the waves crash onto the sand, I felt like my heart was being drowned and I couldn't find the air to breath. It felt like with each wave that splashed onto the beach, my heart was being beat upon again and again, but I didn't know who I could scream at to yell "STOP!" The hard sand was like my heart, but with each wave it got softer and softer, and finally it was led back into the water to fend for itself. Many times I just feel so alone in my sorrow. It's been long enough that everyone else is moving on except me. For once, I just want to feel understood, but that's next to impossible. No matter the words I speak or the tears I cry, I feel that no only really understands. Don't get me wrong, I am in awe of the people that have stood by my side, but I still have those nights that I weep myself to sleep or battle nauseousness because of the loneliness that no one can fill. At night I pray for the day I find light again, but how much longer am I going to be in this darkness?? It's beginning to feel unbearable.

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Daddy I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Daddy I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away...

I can see your halo

Please don't think that I never have good days, because I do and I always will. I have so much to still be thankful for. At times it is easier to see all the good that God has blessed me with, and the other times I am taken aback. I guess I still need a lot of prayers and a lot of angels to help me stand up again!
~JM~

Birthday pics/ Spring Break

Spring Break is finally here and I could not be more ready!!! I'm heading to Florida tomorrow night after the game with 4 wonderful girls... We've been anticipating this trip for what seems like years, but it's finally about time:). Please pray that we have a safe trip there and back, and that I can trust God to take care of my family while I'm away. I haven't been away from them this long in awhile, but I know we have many friends to watch over them while I'm away! My little sisters take up so many of my thoughts these days, I love them with every inch of my heart and I pray each night that I can provide enough love for them for me and for dad... He was always so worried about his girls!!

We have tough times ahead of us-- softball season is right around the corner and standing on that field without him will suck the life right out of me. Softball was his sport... he was on that field allll summer long coaching, umping, working concessions, and remodeling. I don't know how the softball board will ever find another person to fill in all that he did, it's next to impossible. I'm planning to help coach Baleigh's team again this year. Dad and I coached together last year, so this year I feel the need to stand in place for him- that's where he would want me to be.

Here are some pics from my 20th birthday bashes:

Dad, I never imagined celebrating a birthday without you. I missed you with every breath and always will. You filled me with so much life and spirit and I know you would still want me to live life to its fullest, but it's like pouring salt on an open sore and telling me to smile thru the pain.... my sore is just as big as it was the day you left me. I miss you so much...

~JM~

Lost?

Where does my life go from here? The months have been slowly passing by, but quickly seperating me from the way my life used to be. I'm still sorting out the pieces and some days it seems that the puzzle will one day fit, but on the other days it fills that I have five different puzzles all thrown on my table and I'm completely lost. It feels like a dumptruck of trash has been dumped on my life, but it hurts too much to pick anything up and throw it away. I want the sun to shine on my life again, but I feel that when that day comes, then I have gotten over my loss. And that's something I'll never let go of... How do I handle a broken heart that yearns for happiness? When will I ever retain the joyful heart I once had? And finally, where do I go from here?