Not In Her Storm

To a very special friend who I believe in with all of my heart:

Not In Her Storm
by Sauni


I see the clouds rolling in and bringing pouring rain

And it is always, I fight for the welcome change

When it rains it pours on this heart of mine

So, I take the storms I feel to her each time.

But I know she has lived under her own pouring rain

Yet under her water her heart still doesn't change

She can walk away from what hangs overhead

And, not in her storm, are words left unsaid.

Not in her storm have I ever felt alone

Her storm ends, so I may find my way home

It's for me that she pushes away her own rain

So, that I may find comfort in calling her name.

She lives in this world for the sake of another's heart-

How she eases the miles when worlds apart

And she never wanders when your world falls through

Not ever in her storm would she do this to you.

She has wings that I know not only I can see

Cause only an angel could find strength to carry me

It's the way that the eyes can surely view

How her heart's written so clearly in what an angel can do.

Not in her storm is her work ever done

And even in her storm she hands me the sun

When her world is dark - I always have light

And now how I hold the new color of night.

She takes then she gives to an unhappy face

So that many can find an amazing place

I have been able to love her more every day

And with her hand in mine the clouds roll away.

Not in any storm that I will ever live beneath

Could ever change what I hold here inside of me

Not in any of her storms have I lost my angels touch

To that angel out there, I love her so much.

After losing my dad, I prayed for the opportunity to be able to repay the people that were there for me and still are to this very day, but I never saw it coming to this. Sometimes I wonder why life works out the way it does, but that is for God to decide, not me. No matter how many hours I sit and ponder the ways of God, I will never come an inch closer to the wisdom He holds. Life seems unfair so many times, but I like to believe it's because there's a mountain top that I'm supposed to reach and on top of that mountain are unspeakable things that God has in store for me. There are days that I don't feel strong; that I'm weak, weary, and ready to give in, but I know that no matter how weak I am, God will never give up on me because I am here for a reason, and though I may never know that reason, it still brings a hope to my life- A hope to fight for what I have been given. I was given 19 beautiful years with a father that most little girls long for, a family that has shaped, touched, and transformed my life into what it is today, and friends that are willing to walk through the rain with me no matter how long my heart continues to bleed. I am so blessed to have the life that I do and even more blessed to share a special friendship with someone that I can be there for, while she is still there for me. Our journey towards healing may be long and treacherous, but together and with the help of others, we can make it up the mountain.

The picture above and these below were taken this past March in Sarasota, Florida. I know it's kind of late- but I thought I would share them anyway!

All my love,

~JM~

Breathe

Me, Briona, & Baleigh at the Taylor Swift concert.

Look at how much taller she is than me!! She's passing me up... :)

My Beetle :) and a squishy little hamster!

Me & Regina camping!Me and my cousin, Cassondra, dressed and ready for prom!

Music starts playing like the end of a bad movie

It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see

Cause its tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And I know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE TO

BREATHE WITHOUT YOU, BUT I HAVE TO...

Last night was a rough night for me. As I stood there standing over my daddy, those lines from above kept running over and over in my head; it explains what the tough moments feel like. I just lose it when I think of the days I will have to go thru without him... and the days I've already trudged thru. My heart just yearns for him day and night... I miss him with an aching so deep that squeezes my heart without rest. So many nights I pray for this to be a bad movie that I can turn off and throw away, but it's real... and it's my life. I just lay there and weep with a heart that feels so empty and remember the times that it used to overflow. God, how can this be real?? Tonight as I tucked the girls in and we finished our prayers, I couldn't help but hold on for an extra second and think about their young ages... Will they remember him like I do ten years from now, or will I be the only one? Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me 7 more years with him than they got, but I come up with nothing. I know that my thoughts are running everywhere tonight- it just feels better to get it off of my chest.

With all of my heart,

~JM~

Blue Prints

My cousin, Paige, Larryn, & I at the bday party...

Mark & I at his bday party!!

Me, Bri, & Bay after many long hours of basketball... :)

Briona Janise Miller

Baleigh Jalene Miller

This weekend was filled with lots of basketball and very little sleep! Friday night, mom and I had just fallen asleep and the phone rang... Grandma was having major problems with her eyes (she had just had cataract surgery the previous week) and we didn't know what to do, so we both went over there around 2 a.m. to figure something out. Come to find out the doctor was in Louisville for the night so she had to suffer thru the pain for the rest of the early morning. Luckily my aunt works at Wabash Eye Center so she was able to get her the needed medication before seeing the doctor. We finally got everything settled a few hours later, fell into bed, and woke up in time for the early games in Vincennes. Briona & Baleigh ended up playing at the exact same times for the morning and afternoon games, so mom & I had to split up and switch games so we could both watch one of Bri's and one of Bay's...... talk about missing dad. Sitting in the bleachers and cheering on the little girls without him just seems wrong. I can't even fully describe the emotions that were in my heart- pure aching is probably the closest I can come to explaining it. I know it isn't right to think this way, but so many times my heart just wants to scream out, "Why God???? Why him; why us??? And why NOW??" I know I will never fully understand why this happened or why our broken family has to trudge thru the struggles of this life without the backbone of our family, but I do know this: God's ways are not my ways and I can only see this tragedy thru my eyes, not His... I'm holding on to the fact that this is all part of a bigger plan; kind of like dad's blue prints for one of the houses he used to map out, but instead of being able to flip thru every page myself and see every angle drawn out, I can only see one angle, my angle here on Earth. God has drawn the blue prints for my life... now I have to allow Him to turn the pages on His timing, not mine.

Who am I

To understand your ways

Who am I

To give you anything but praise

Who am I

To try and solve the mystery

Behind the heart and soul of all that I believe

Who am I

-Point of Grace

~JM~

Easter Weekend

Mom & Me after church...

Me, Briona, & Baleigh...

Laying in daddy's hammock..

Opening our Easter baskets!

Our Family

Daddy's girls

This weekend was spent with a lot of family time! Saturday, mom and I tried taking over dad's outside work. We put mulch down, pulled weeds, and cared for the pond... I didn't realize how much work that was!! I could barely straighten my back after being out there all day and I had to laugh at myself because here I am complaining at 20; I can only imagine how he felt being 50 and doing that work everyday!!! I spent Saturday night with my two little girls :) and we all woke up very early for Sunday Sunrise Service and then grandma's. This Easter Sunday was particularly special to me because it reminded me that Jesus CONQUERED DEATH and He will return again for us, and on that day the dead will rise first and we will all meet our Savior in the clouds. We also talked about Jesus' body and how the dead will have the body of Christ when they rise... I couldn't help but get goosebumps when I thought of my daddy having a body that was never weak, never sore, and never grew old.... And how excited I will be to see him again on that special day!!!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow... I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter weekend :)

~JM~

God it Hurts

God it hurts

I said 'God it hurts'

And God said 'I Know'

I said 'God I cry alot'

And God said 'That's why I gave you tears'

I said 'God I get so depressed'

And God said 'That's why I gave you sunshine'

I said 'God I feel Alone'

And God said 'That's why I gave you loved ones'

I said 'God my loved one is dead'

And God said 'I watched mine be nailed to the cross'

I said God 'Where are they? '

And God said 'Mine is on my right and yours is in the Light'

I said 'God it hurts'

And God said 'I know'...

Amy Louise Kerswell

I have been asked the question several times..."Why did you decide to start a blog?"

I started this blog because it reminded me of life... the life that I lived with my dad still physically in my life. I write because I want to remember... the small things, the big moments; I want to remember everything about his life and the struggle that I am still going through today. I write so that others will remember him and see the impact he had on so many lives; I write so my sisters can see his life from my perspective once they're a little older, and for my mom so that we may fight for life together; I write to express myself and to see my small steps; I write what is on my heart.... I write for all of those reasons, but most of all, I write for the ones that will never know him. I write so that one day my children will be able to know the life of their grandpa and understand the reasons I wanted him in their lives so badly... I write for my future neices and nephews, so that our dad will always be a strong rock in our children's lives.... And finally, I write for him.... so that I may always see his smile, hear his laughter, and feel his arms wrapped so tightly around me, no matter where I may be.

~JM~

Realization

I wish I could've captured the whole kitchen view... I stayed over at grandma's last Sunday night while mom and the girls were in Florida, and I enjoyed some late night "counter" conversation with Aunt Nell, Cassondra, Courtney, and grandma. :) Poor tucker was the only one left on the floor.

Me, Cassondra, and Courtney went prom dress shopping last weekend for Cassondra's upcoming Senior Prom... We had a lot of fun!!!
On Saturday I was assigned to teach 16, 6-year-olds at USI for one of my classes... I think I had as much fun as they did!!

Thursday afternoon I received a very nice letter from USI's education department and as I finished reading it, the very first thought that popped into my mind was, "I can't wait to call dad- he'll be so excited!" But as quickly as it came, it vanished, and I was left with a hole so big that it took my breath away. For one split second my life was what it used to be, and then it was over. The reality came washing over me with the realization that I'll never be able to dial his number and hear his voice again, or hear the reassurance he brought to my life. I'll never again laugh with him, cry with him, coach with him, sing with him, dance with him, grow another year older with him, or become closer in my relationship with him.... all of those things are in the past, and I am only 20 years old. How do I go on living the next 20 years without these things in my life??

Today, Shawn talked about bringing glory to God and that sometimes we go thru really tough times that we do not understand in order to bring glory to God's name. I can only pray that in the end, our family brings nothing but glory to God thru the passing of my dad. And I know that is exactly what he would've wanted us to do.

~JM~