Perspective

This past Friday night as Meredith and I were coming home, we both had broken hearts, only in two different ways. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing this with you, but I felt a need to. I pulled into our driveway and just sat there for a little while, trying think of the right words to say.. finally after pushing it aside, I asked her to go somewhere with me. I don't really like to take others there with me because I understand that it may seem cold and depressing, but to me- it's where I find myself again. I parked the car at the end of the lot and asked her to wait in the car for just a few mintues. As I walked down to the place where my strong daddy was laid to rest, everything in me just broke. For the past month all I've ever wanted was to feel his arms around me just once more... to feel his rough hands guide me thru life once again or hear his voice... just once!! I knelt down beside the mound of dirt that keeps him from me and cried. Cried for the beautiful life we used to share, for our journey that will never go on, and for the continuous ache that will never leave me. How can the man that was invincable to me, be gone in the blink of an eye, with no warning, no last good-bye, nothing... just gone- forever. And I'm left behind trying to find the pieces of my shattered heart that will never completely fit like they did before.
Once I was back in the car, Meredith said, "Thank you- i needed that." At first I didn't understand, but she explained it like this- "Seeing you walk down there just broke my heart. It puts everything into perspective- what really matter in life and what doesn't."
So many times I find myself getting caught up in the 'stupid' stuff that will someday not matter. I can catch myself thinking that this is my home and what I am to others is so important- 19 years of worrying myself sick over the little things that will not benefit my life once it is over, because this is not my home- my real home is in heaven with my daddy and Savior.

Please say a prayer for my mom tomorrow- she is having surgery early tomorrow morning!!

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs,

I still see the lights

I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace

I came here before you to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all the time

He forgives you the slip, if you continue to climb

To my family and friends,

Please be thankful today

I'm still close behind you,

In a new special way

I love you all dearly,

Now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year

I love you, daddy, with all of my heart. My life will never be the same without you- you were the sunshine in my life that never stopped giving... Everywhere I look, I can still see your face- in me, in my sisters, in my dreams, and in my heart. You were my world and will always be.... I'm celebrating Christmas for you this year because that's exactly what you would want me to do. I miss you more with every breath...

Trying to Live

I'm finally home on Christmas break with my family and I couldn't be happier!!!! It feels like I've waited forever just to be home- in my comfort zone. I finished school at 6 p.m. Thursday night and completed my Christmas shopping on the way home, so it was a late night for me! Saturday morning came way too early for me (they always do) and I knew it would be long! Baleigh had a game @ 10 at South Knox and Briona played @ 1 at Pike Central-- I think it was around 5 before mom & I finally got home!! It seems so empty without dad driving us to the game, and hearing his voice encouraging the little girls... So many times I just break thinking about all of the life we'll have to live thru without him. I know it's not good to think so far ahead, but he was such a part of my life- how can I not?? I know God has a plan for our family and for my girls, but when I'm down I just have to wonder, "God, don't you realize how young we are--how much we still needed him?" Everytime I walk thru the house I can picture him in every room- stretched out on the couch downstairs watching tv, sitting in the living room early Sunday mornings drinking coffee and waiting on all of us girls to get ready, or laying in bed late at night when I would come home and give him a good-night kiss... that's when he would finally fall asleep, he would tell me, after he knew I was home safe. I think back to those memories of him and it doesn't seem fair that I got 6 & 7 more years of him than my sisters did... I don't know how I would've made it thru high school and my first year of college without him. I see how big of shoes I need to fill and I just fall down to my knees... we need our daddy back, and mom needs her companion again. I look back to all of the chaos while rushed in trying to plan all of the details of the funeral, and I remember reading that the funeral and services are the easy part, it's after that the grief really sets in.... now I understand exactly what that paragraph was talking about.

Morning will come too soon tomorrow, it always does!! The girls & I are cleaning, wrapping gifts and making gingerbread houses tomorrow so it will be a fun day for us to spend some time together (well, minus the cleaning!). Please continue to keep us in your prayers throughout the holidays... God Bless.

Unselfish Living...

Since I have recently began blogging, there have been times in my day that I feel a nudging to go write. I know that this is God within me because of the privacy I had always kept around my heart. Before this experience, I had never been one to truly open my heart to others- I kept my deep feelings to myself... but now that my life has become more than I can handle, God has moved me to share what's on my heart. He's shown me that it is okay to let others see the 'full' me. Tonight I felt one of those nudges. As I was trying to study and reminisce all at once, I knew I should come before I forgot what was laid on my heart.... so here I am:)

Tonight, as I was flipping thru some old pictures, I had the urge to laugh and scream at the same time. Laugh because of precious moment of the picture, and scream because of the man now missing. I find myself throughout the day invisioning him walking thru the house, or working out in the yard and it opens my eyes to see how much he gave to our lives (me, Bri, and Bay) and how unselfishly he lived for himself. So many times I want to yell out to God and ask him, "WHY???" Why did you take him; why can't he see all of the impact he has left on so many lives?? And now that he's gone, he's missing the fire in us that he had always dreamed about. Briona & Baleigh are playing like they never have before... aggressiveness that came out of no where, leading the team in points, and I think to myself... If he were here right now, he would be jumping off of cloud 9. All he wanted to see us do was find something we were passionate for and go after it with all of our ability- what's sad is this only happened after he was gone. It made me realize that now, they are playing for him; before, they were just playing. How selfishly we were living our lives, not only them, but most of all me. I look back at the majority of my life and I can see that I was only living for me- for my benefit, for my advantage, and not for the ones that I loved. Not for God, not for my parents or loved ones, but just for me. If only I could go back and let him see all of the passion he didn't get to see. Sometimes I look at people and I just want to shake them- "Let go of your selfishness; there is so much more to life than worrying about you." I'm so glad that I didn't live all of life that way. Towards the end of his life I was starting to see the bigger picture- he allowed me to see it because that's how he lived his. And tonight as mom and I were standing by his grave, I had the blessing of him loving me thru it all. Thru my ups and down, trials and accomplishments, he was there. He didn't miss a moment of it- it wasn't a choice to him because his heart was always with us; and having that knowledge just made me yearn for him even more-- because thru his love he showed me God's love, and that was the single, greatest blessing he could've ever given me.

I miss him a little more with every beat that my heart takes. Nothing can explain this, and nothing ever will. It seems that every day another brick is laid on to the heaviness of my heart. It's a pain that's unexplainable, and a pain that never goes away. I will NEVER be able to share the full man he was with any other person because it would take 19 years, 10 months, and an odd number of days to even come close.... and no one will ever be given the blessing to reminisce for that long, not even me.


~JM~

Breaking Point...

Later last night, as I was coming home, I had many thoughts running thru my head. My dad's truck and phone are being picked up Monday afternoon, so this weekend is kind of like my last weekend with pieces of him. As I was pulling in the drive, I saw how bare our drive-way looked without his truck ( I was driving it) and it suddenly dawned on me that this is going to become the life I must live. I know that he is not in that truck, but it was such a part of him that I'll always remember. Everyday it feels that a little more of his life is being sucked out of me, and at times it feels that some day I will be left with nothing.
The part of me that I am hurting the most is 'who I am'. I have never been one to show my emotions around others that often. I have always liked to be viewed as the strong one that can get thru anything. It's almost like if I put on this smile, I make myself believe that I am okay with whatever trial I am facing. But last night, the inside of me completely broke. I felt so alone that I ended up just laying in his truck and letting it all come out of me. This is what I do to myself- I bottle it all up and try not to think about it, but by doing this, I've learned that the breaking point is no easier. I finally went in to mom and let her see it all. I hated her to see me the way I was because whenever I hurt, she hurts twice as bad- for me. She already has enough on her hands without my sorrow.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get across tonight- I guess I've just realized that this is no longer a dream. The ache in my heart will be there as long as I live... now I just have to come to terms with it.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to us all. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~JM~

Let the rain fall...

God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. -Revelation 21:3-4
I woke up this morning to the pouring rain, and I knew this verse was very true. Today I feel that God is mourning my loss with me- I am not alone in my sorrow. He knows how much I am hurting and today He decided to show me that He understands my loss. There are days like today that I feel I cannot go on with my life knowing that my dad will never again be a part of it. It is so easy to put on a smile and remember what it feels like to laugh when I am surrounded by people that know how to go on with their lives- but when I am alone, the reality smacks me in the face. I will never get to know my father any better, the memories that I have now are the only ones that I will have for the rest of my life- we will never make any new ones. It is so hard for me to believe this... at times I can feel myself seeking denial just so my heart can have rest for a moment. The only thing that keeps waking me up morning after morning is the Wonder of God. I believe that God allows me to hit rock-bottom everday just so I see that I can stand up again. He does not leave me there for long- I feel Him pick me up and open my eyes once again. And once He does, I can feel the 'real' me slowly seep back into place.
Nothing else will be able to lift me up besides the love of my Savior. As long as I only allow Him to keep picking me up, I will live. Everyday He allows me to walk a little furthur, and find comfort a little longer. Right now, I am relying on the plans He has for me. Obviously He does not want me beside my daddy yet- God wants me to fulfill the plans He has for me. If that means bringing glory to His name thru my times of trial- I will do it. My God is an awesome God...

I have the Phillips, Craig, & Dean Cd in my car right now and the song "Voice of the Lord" has really opened my eyes to the wonder of God.

Whose voice is this that has called me from darkness
And chose me before the foundation was laid
Whose voice is this, that calls me beloved
And tells me I’m free, and my debt has been paid
Who's voice is full of wonder
And majesty untold
And whose voice is this that is calling his children
To rise up and praise him with great shouts of joy
The voice of the Lord Is calling his children
The voice of the Lord Is shaking the earth
The voice of the Lord echoes like thunder
Is awesome in glory, Hear;
Hear the voice of the Lord

~JM~

The Reunion

A few months ago, I had heard of a book called, "90 Minutes in Heaven", and I had a driven urge to read it. Back then, the book was good and inspiring, but I never really took the time to dwell on the written words. Tonight as I was coming home, I thought, "Wouldn't it be so cool to actually have a little glimpse of what my dad is experiencing right now?" I thought back to one of the chapters in the book and thought I should share it with you.

Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed toward me, I saw the people I had known during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural! I had never imagined anyone being as happy as they all were. Their faces radiated a serenity I had never seen on Earth. All were full of life and expressed radiant joy.
He then talks about meeting his grandpa and describes it as this: My grandfather released me, and as I stared into his face, ecstatic bliss overwhelmed me. I didn't think about his heart attack or death because I couldn't get past the joy of our reunion.
I get frustrated describing what heaven was like, because I can't begin to put into words what it looked like, sounded like, and felt like- It was perfect. The gate wasn't made of pearls, but was pearlescent- perhaps irridescent may be more descriptive. The gate glowed and shimmered. I paused and stared at the glorious hues and shimmering shades. The luminescense dazzled me, and I would have been content to stay at that spot. Yet I stepped forward as if being escorted into God's presence. I paused just outside the gate, and I could see inside. It was like a city with paved streets- constructed of literal gold! Everything I saw was bright- the brightest colors my eyes had ever held- so powerful that no earthly human could take in this brilliance.

As I take in this wonder, I dream about the reunion my dad and I will one day share. To see him basking in God's glory, with that ear-to-ear smile dancing across his face- that scene will be worth every tear I have ever cried on this Earth!!! Just thinking about it gives me a sense of peace and joy that I have never felt before... I know that day may seem far off to me, but until then I'll praise God for all of the life he gave my daddy- for all of the trials, struggles, and love because that's what made him who he was. And that life he lived gave me the opportunity to be his daughter. One that will be his hands and feet for him for as long as God gives me breath.

I received a necklace from Mark & Amy that goes right along with this blog. The necklace is called, The Reunion Heart, and the poem that follows is this:

Since heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart.
I never knew how much I'd grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear,
and when I wear this necklace near
it will become my simple way
to treasure our REUNION DAY.

~JM~