Breaking Point...

Later last night, as I was coming home, I had many thoughts running thru my head. My dad's truck and phone are being picked up Monday afternoon, so this weekend is kind of like my last weekend with pieces of him. As I was pulling in the drive, I saw how bare our drive-way looked without his truck ( I was driving it) and it suddenly dawned on me that this is going to become the life I must live. I know that he is not in that truck, but it was such a part of him that I'll always remember. Everyday it feels that a little more of his life is being sucked out of me, and at times it feels that some day I will be left with nothing.
The part of me that I am hurting the most is 'who I am'. I have never been one to show my emotions around others that often. I have always liked to be viewed as the strong one that can get thru anything. It's almost like if I put on this smile, I make myself believe that I am okay with whatever trial I am facing. But last night, the inside of me completely broke. I felt so alone that I ended up just laying in his truck and letting it all come out of me. This is what I do to myself- I bottle it all up and try not to think about it, but by doing this, I've learned that the breaking point is no easier. I finally went in to mom and let her see it all. I hated her to see me the way I was because whenever I hurt, she hurts twice as bad- for me. She already has enough on her hands without my sorrow.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get across tonight- I guess I've just realized that this is no longer a dream. The ache in my heart will be there as long as I live... now I just have to come to terms with it.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to us all. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~JM~