My friends & I returned home from Florida yesterday!! Let me just say that 16 hours in a car full of five girls was very interesting!! I'll cherish that trip forever. :) We stayed in Sarasota, Florida and rented a house right in the middle of Pine Craft, so we were pretty much right at home (for those of you who are familiar with the area, you know what I mean!). Going into the trip, I was expecting it to do wonders for me. I thought that maybe for a week I could just get away from my sorrows and all of the emotions that seem to be chaining me to this deep, dark hole that seems impossible to get out of... but the very first night proved me wrong. As I laid there sobbing for what seemed like years, I felt like a prisoner to the tears that always find a path down my face. Sarasota is sort of like a second home to my family; my dad's sister and their children's families live down there, so when we took a vacation to Florida, we always tried to head south to see them. Walking the streets at night and laying on the Siesta Key beach was enough for my thoughts to run wild. Everywhere I looked I could see him; living in the past of what my life used to consist of. And as I sat there watching the waves crash onto the sand, I felt like my heart was being drowned and I couldn't find the air to breath. It felt like with each wave that splashed onto the beach, my heart was being beat upon again and again, but I didn't know who I could scream at to yell "STOP!" The hard sand was like my heart, but with each wave it got softer and softer, and finally it was led back into the water to fend for itself. Many times I just feel so alone in my sorrow. It's been long enough that everyone else is moving on except me. For once, I just want to feel understood, but that's next to impossible. No matter the words I speak or the tears I cry, I feel that no only really understands. Don't get me wrong, I am in awe of the people that have stood by my side, but I still have those nights that I weep myself to sleep or battle nauseousness because of the loneliness that no one can fill. At night I pray for the day I find light again, but how much longer am I going to be in this darkness?? It's beginning to feel unbearable.
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Daddy I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Daddy I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away...
I can see your halo 
Please don't think that I never have good days, because I do and I always will. I have so much to still be thankful for. At times it is easier to see all the good that God has blessed me with, and the other times I am taken aback. I guess I still need a lot of prayers and a lot of angels to help me stand up again!
~JM~
2 comments:
Hey babe,
I want you to know that I have not forgotten, I still have my bad days, though not the same I'm sure, I still struggle accepting that this is all real. I pray every night that God could show me a way to help you through this. I watch ur mom and sisters, and sometimes I feel so selfish. When I get angry at my parents or upset, I just wanna scream because I shouldn't be fighting with them.
I don't think I'll ever have the right words to say, but it breaks my heart to see you going through the things you are. All I do know is God has bigger plans. Though we don't know what those are in time we will. Do know that I'm always thinking about you! :) Stay strong baby girl! I love you!
Hi Brittany,
Reading your blog resonated with me, I can remember, and still experience the same feelings of being alone in my sorrow-when Erica was sentenced to prison and within the next month John got sick, then was dx with CA my world as normal disintegrated, after the dust settled it felt like life went on for everyone so why did I still feel such pain and loss, at times abandonment from even the God I loved and served, how could all this be happening to me? When caring friends would ask how's it going I would just answer the cliche' Good-God is good-all the while bleeding oozing pain in my heart, just feeling it easier to give the answer it was easier for them to hear. With time I came to the place where I felt for me it was between God and me-in one of my deepest down times-Jesus invited me to crawl up into His lap and tell Him my sorrow, all I could do was sob, but it was sooo comforting to feel someone understood my pain, the never ending questions of what next? and how are things ever going to work out? When I so badly wanted a human person to physically understand-and I had many friends that tried and were there for me-my real comfort would come from just going to Jesus' lap, and crying "Jesus, Jesus" It is now close to 5-yrs since the beginning of that journey, we as a family have learned invaluable lessons, and most of us would say we could never live thru it again, but we wouldn't trade what we've learned and how it has grown us up spiritually for any other experience. As I share this I know we didn't lose anyone physically, and that kind of loss is unbearably painful-just wanted to share the analogy and give you the picture of comfort that worked for me, and know Jesus is the ultimate comfort. Also, I know you've probably been told, give it time, and in a sense time only makes the loss more keen, but the pain heals in the manner you deal with it, it is so beautiful how your relationship with God is open and interactive, and you are willing to share. I believe you are touching many lives in ways no one else could. I love you-you are one of the tangible ways I'm still connected to my brother!!
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