Unselfish Living...

Since I have recently began blogging, there have been times in my day that I feel a nudging to go write. I know that this is God within me because of the privacy I had always kept around my heart. Before this experience, I had never been one to truly open my heart to others- I kept my deep feelings to myself... but now that my life has become more than I can handle, God has moved me to share what's on my heart. He's shown me that it is okay to let others see the 'full' me. Tonight I felt one of those nudges. As I was trying to study and reminisce all at once, I knew I should come before I forgot what was laid on my heart.... so here I am:)

Tonight, as I was flipping thru some old pictures, I had the urge to laugh and scream at the same time. Laugh because of precious moment of the picture, and scream because of the man now missing. I find myself throughout the day invisioning him walking thru the house, or working out in the yard and it opens my eyes to see how much he gave to our lives (me, Bri, and Bay) and how unselfishly he lived for himself. So many times I want to yell out to God and ask him, "WHY???" Why did you take him; why can't he see all of the impact he has left on so many lives?? And now that he's gone, he's missing the fire in us that he had always dreamed about. Briona & Baleigh are playing like they never have before... aggressiveness that came out of no where, leading the team in points, and I think to myself... If he were here right now, he would be jumping off of cloud 9. All he wanted to see us do was find something we were passionate for and go after it with all of our ability- what's sad is this only happened after he was gone. It made me realize that now, they are playing for him; before, they were just playing. How selfishly we were living our lives, not only them, but most of all me. I look back at the majority of my life and I can see that I was only living for me- for my benefit, for my advantage, and not for the ones that I loved. Not for God, not for my parents or loved ones, but just for me. If only I could go back and let him see all of the passion he didn't get to see. Sometimes I look at people and I just want to shake them- "Let go of your selfishness; there is so much more to life than worrying about you." I'm so glad that I didn't live all of life that way. Towards the end of his life I was starting to see the bigger picture- he allowed me to see it because that's how he lived his. And tonight as mom and I were standing by his grave, I had the blessing of him loving me thru it all. Thru my ups and down, trials and accomplishments, he was there. He didn't miss a moment of it- it wasn't a choice to him because his heart was always with us; and having that knowledge just made me yearn for him even more-- because thru his love he showed me God's love, and that was the single, greatest blessing he could've ever given me.

I miss him a little more with every beat that my heart takes. Nothing can explain this, and nothing ever will. It seems that every day another brick is laid on to the heaviness of my heart. It's a pain that's unexplainable, and a pain that never goes away. I will NEVER be able to share the full man he was with any other person because it would take 19 years, 10 months, and an odd number of days to even come close.... and no one will ever be given the blessing to reminisce for that long, not even me.


~JM~