I sit here in front of my computer, clinging to the shoes that you tied for the last time, and I'm unable to let go. Every time my head hits the pillow, all I can think about is you... The last time I saw you, the last time I hugged you, the last time I was blessed to say "I love you", and all I see is the 'lasts'. How were we to know that the day you left for the game we were supposed to let you go? I'm unable to understand the meaning of this circumstance... Each morning I wake up to find myself in sinking sand; sometimes I can pull myself to find solid ground, and other times I can't. I yearn for the life I used to live; for the happiness I used to know. I look back on the pictures of the old me and only then could I tell you what true happiness really felt like. Some of you may never know how deeply my daddy touched my life- I tend to hide my sorrow well when I want to. I don't want people to look at me with pity for the life that I've lost; I want them to remember the life that he lived and to remind themselves how precious each breath really is. I'll never forgive myself for the days that I took for granted... He'll never know the late hours that I yearn for him to walk with me just once more or the times that I cry out "daddy" just so I won't forget what the name sounds like across my lips.
I've been trying to read "The Shack" when I get the chance, and it really hit me at a special time in my life because he is going thru the trial of losing a daughter, so I feel like we're kind of struggling thru the same obstacles... Anyways, there's a paragraph that I would like to share with you- it couldn't better describe the feelings that I'm going thru right now.
"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go.
"I know, but it's not true. I am with you and I am not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."
With all of my heart,
~JM~
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