The Constant Battle

I finally made the mistake I knew was bound to happen. I pressed 2 on my phone- Dad is my #2 speed-dial. I wanted to be able to press Send so bad; but I knew better. It's funny how the word, dad, used to bring the biggest smile to my face- it filled me with such joy and happiness, but now all that's left is gut-wrenching pain, emptiness, loss, and denial... The shock is starting to wear off and it leaves me with reality. The reality that my dad will never walk thru this house again, never be there to answer my phone call when I've had a rough day, never stand out in the crowd at Bri and Bay's games, never be there with arms wide open- He will never see the lives of his favorite girls played out....Never??! I've been hopefully wishing that this was still a dream- I want to wake up from this nightmare, but my eyes are already open. I want to wake up without swollen eyes, without this undescribable pain, but there is no rest... Every day there is a constant battle raging within me, a battle that is fighting for the strength of God for me to cling to. There are times when I feel like I'm being tackled- I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, all I can think about is how the strongest man I've ever known is laying in the ground and never coming back.
All that my heart is able to do right now is trust in God and pray that this raging storm within me will soon be gone...


Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10