Thankful

Thanksgiving day was kind of a drag. I just haven't really been in the 'holiday' mood... I'm finally coming out of the denial stage and am now realizing that life, as it was, will never be the same. Life will never be as full as it once was. Sometimes I find myself in the midst of something, and I suddenly stop and think- This is really real? He's not coming back? It feels impossible for me to believe that his life is done, it's over. No more memories, no more security that he'll be around to watch me grow, or to be a major influence in my children's lives, nothing. It's crazy how life can stop so instantly. Sometimes I'll glance out the window and see all the cars driving by and I wonder how they can possibly go on. The other week I was having a rough day and I told one of my good friends that I feel like everyday I get a little furthur away from him- from his voice, his smile, his heart- furthur from his memory. Each day my loss becomes more and more real because the clock keeps ticking and he's not here. I saw this saying on a stone we received that is now placed beside his grave, and the words are so true to me. It says,"It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, part of me went with you, the day God called you home." Nothing could explain the emptiness of my heart better than that.
Since we were in the Thanksgiving season.. I had some time to think about what I was really thankful for. I came up with a lot of normal things, like God, family, and friends, but what really hit me the most was memory. I am so thankful that God allows our minds to remember past experiences and to be able to capture everything that was going on around us, such as places, faces, and sense of touch. Since I am so thankful for my memories, I though I would share a couple favorites of my daddy.

1. My family and I attended a wedding together last fall of '07. At the reception, the DJ played a slow song and my dad told me the next one was ours. I can still see us dancing at that reception hall with his arms around me and the look on his face. We were talking about the future and what all it would bring, and I remember him getting a little teary-eyed and saying, "Oh Britt, I don't know how I'll ever be able to do this (giving me away). That will be so hard on me." I don't even remember what I said in return, but had I known he would never have to face that future day, I don't think I would've ever let go of his embrace. I never thought that my father-daughter dance would have to be a memory.

2. I think I would've been right around the age of 9 or 10 on this one. Anyways, I remember my parents discussing the death of a lady that had passed in her sleep, and I was terrified. That night as I was laying in bed, I remember thinking that if I went to sleep I might die too (yes, I know I was silly!). So I walked out to the living room where my parents were still awake, and I told my dad that I was scared to fall asleep. I remember being embarressed about my reason, but I told him that I was scared I was gonna die like that lady. I don't remember his exact words, but I do know that he told me something like as long as I believed in Jesus and served him with a whole heart that I had nothing to worry about. Jesus will never leave your side wherever you may go. He is a God of love and grace, not a God of fear. He then took me back to my bed, held my hand, and slept beside me until I fell asleep. My dad's love for me was unconditional, just as our Heavenly Father's love is for us.

3. CSI/ESPN. He LOVED watching this show. I think it's even still set on DVR on our tv. Many nights I would come home to find him stretched out on the couch with his arms beneath his head- no blankets or anything- and most likely he would be wearing his favorite worn-out navy gym shorts with a t-shirt on and watching ESPN or CSI. (As you can tell, he was set in his ways. I could tell you his schedule right off the top of my head and 99.9% of the time, I would be correct). Some nights I would crawl in beside him and we would watch an episode or game together until we both fell asleep. On those nights, my heart would feel so full. There is something about a father's love that can take away any pain, hurt, worry, or fear, that a girl ever has; that's exactly what he did for me.

4. His beloved hammock. We gave it to him this past Father's Day, and he absolutely adored that thing. During the summer, when I came home from work, I would see his feet just peeking up over the top, stretched out like he normally was, and relaxing. Everday he would rest in that thing after he was done working outside. The spot was perfect for a hammock too- right under two big shade trees with the pond off to the side, and a bird feeder nearby- the view was beautiful and he loved it. He loved being outdoors!!! He never let me or mom do any of the mowing or yardwork because he loved it- and he did a much better job at it:) Just gazing out into the backyard, I can see him in every bit of it. That's one place that I will always feel close to him because that is where he spent the majority of his time. What's crazy is that he had just planted me a tree no more than two weeks before his death, and you'll never guess what kind of tree it was. A weeping willow, what a coincidence!!

Of course these are only a few of my many memories, but they are the first ones that came to mind. As time passes on, I'm sure I'll come across many more that can be stored away for my comfort. I'm so thankful that by these memories God so richly blessed me with, I will forever be able to keep him alive in my mind and continue to share them with the ones I love!!

~JM~