Perspective

This past Friday night as Meredith and I were coming home, we both had broken hearts, only in two different ways. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing this with you, but I felt a need to. I pulled into our driveway and just sat there for a little while, trying think of the right words to say.. finally after pushing it aside, I asked her to go somewhere with me. I don't really like to take others there with me because I understand that it may seem cold and depressing, but to me- it's where I find myself again. I parked the car at the end of the lot and asked her to wait in the car for just a few mintues. As I walked down to the place where my strong daddy was laid to rest, everything in me just broke. For the past month all I've ever wanted was to feel his arms around me just once more... to feel his rough hands guide me thru life once again or hear his voice... just once!! I knelt down beside the mound of dirt that keeps him from me and cried. Cried for the beautiful life we used to share, for our journey that will never go on, and for the continuous ache that will never leave me. How can the man that was invincable to me, be gone in the blink of an eye, with no warning, no last good-bye, nothing... just gone- forever. And I'm left behind trying to find the pieces of my shattered heart that will never completely fit like they did before.
Once I was back in the car, Meredith said, "Thank you- i needed that." At first I didn't understand, but she explained it like this- "Seeing you walk down there just broke my heart. It puts everything into perspective- what really matter in life and what doesn't."
So many times I find myself getting caught up in the 'stupid' stuff that will someday not matter. I can catch myself thinking that this is my home and what I am to others is so important- 19 years of worrying myself sick over the little things that will not benefit my life once it is over, because this is not my home- my real home is in heaven with my daddy and Savior.

Please say a prayer for my mom tomorrow- she is having surgery early tomorrow morning!!

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs,

I still see the lights

I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares

I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace

I came here before you to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all the time

He forgives you the slip, if you continue to climb

To my family and friends,

Please be thankful today

I'm still close behind you,

In a new special way

I love you all dearly,

Now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year

I love you, daddy, with all of my heart. My life will never be the same without you- you were the sunshine in my life that never stopped giving... Everywhere I look, I can still see your face- in me, in my sisters, in my dreams, and in my heart. You were my world and will always be.... I'm celebrating Christmas for you this year because that's exactly what you would want me to do. I miss you more with every breath...

Trying to Live

I'm finally home on Christmas break with my family and I couldn't be happier!!!! It feels like I've waited forever just to be home- in my comfort zone. I finished school at 6 p.m. Thursday night and completed my Christmas shopping on the way home, so it was a late night for me! Saturday morning came way too early for me (they always do) and I knew it would be long! Baleigh had a game @ 10 at South Knox and Briona played @ 1 at Pike Central-- I think it was around 5 before mom & I finally got home!! It seems so empty without dad driving us to the game, and hearing his voice encouraging the little girls... So many times I just break thinking about all of the life we'll have to live thru without him. I know it's not good to think so far ahead, but he was such a part of my life- how can I not?? I know God has a plan for our family and for my girls, but when I'm down I just have to wonder, "God, don't you realize how young we are--how much we still needed him?" Everytime I walk thru the house I can picture him in every room- stretched out on the couch downstairs watching tv, sitting in the living room early Sunday mornings drinking coffee and waiting on all of us girls to get ready, or laying in bed late at night when I would come home and give him a good-night kiss... that's when he would finally fall asleep, he would tell me, after he knew I was home safe. I think back to those memories of him and it doesn't seem fair that I got 6 & 7 more years of him than my sisters did... I don't know how I would've made it thru high school and my first year of college without him. I see how big of shoes I need to fill and I just fall down to my knees... we need our daddy back, and mom needs her companion again. I look back to all of the chaos while rushed in trying to plan all of the details of the funeral, and I remember reading that the funeral and services are the easy part, it's after that the grief really sets in.... now I understand exactly what that paragraph was talking about.

Morning will come too soon tomorrow, it always does!! The girls & I are cleaning, wrapping gifts and making gingerbread houses tomorrow so it will be a fun day for us to spend some time together (well, minus the cleaning!). Please continue to keep us in your prayers throughout the holidays... God Bless.

Unselfish Living...

Since I have recently began blogging, there have been times in my day that I feel a nudging to go write. I know that this is God within me because of the privacy I had always kept around my heart. Before this experience, I had never been one to truly open my heart to others- I kept my deep feelings to myself... but now that my life has become more than I can handle, God has moved me to share what's on my heart. He's shown me that it is okay to let others see the 'full' me. Tonight I felt one of those nudges. As I was trying to study and reminisce all at once, I knew I should come before I forgot what was laid on my heart.... so here I am:)

Tonight, as I was flipping thru some old pictures, I had the urge to laugh and scream at the same time. Laugh because of precious moment of the picture, and scream because of the man now missing. I find myself throughout the day invisioning him walking thru the house, or working out in the yard and it opens my eyes to see how much he gave to our lives (me, Bri, and Bay) and how unselfishly he lived for himself. So many times I want to yell out to God and ask him, "WHY???" Why did you take him; why can't he see all of the impact he has left on so many lives?? And now that he's gone, he's missing the fire in us that he had always dreamed about. Briona & Baleigh are playing like they never have before... aggressiveness that came out of no where, leading the team in points, and I think to myself... If he were here right now, he would be jumping off of cloud 9. All he wanted to see us do was find something we were passionate for and go after it with all of our ability- what's sad is this only happened after he was gone. It made me realize that now, they are playing for him; before, they were just playing. How selfishly we were living our lives, not only them, but most of all me. I look back at the majority of my life and I can see that I was only living for me- for my benefit, for my advantage, and not for the ones that I loved. Not for God, not for my parents or loved ones, but just for me. If only I could go back and let him see all of the passion he didn't get to see. Sometimes I look at people and I just want to shake them- "Let go of your selfishness; there is so much more to life than worrying about you." I'm so glad that I didn't live all of life that way. Towards the end of his life I was starting to see the bigger picture- he allowed me to see it because that's how he lived his. And tonight as mom and I were standing by his grave, I had the blessing of him loving me thru it all. Thru my ups and down, trials and accomplishments, he was there. He didn't miss a moment of it- it wasn't a choice to him because his heart was always with us; and having that knowledge just made me yearn for him even more-- because thru his love he showed me God's love, and that was the single, greatest blessing he could've ever given me.

I miss him a little more with every beat that my heart takes. Nothing can explain this, and nothing ever will. It seems that every day another brick is laid on to the heaviness of my heart. It's a pain that's unexplainable, and a pain that never goes away. I will NEVER be able to share the full man he was with any other person because it would take 19 years, 10 months, and an odd number of days to even come close.... and no one will ever be given the blessing to reminisce for that long, not even me.


~JM~

Breaking Point...

Later last night, as I was coming home, I had many thoughts running thru my head. My dad's truck and phone are being picked up Monday afternoon, so this weekend is kind of like my last weekend with pieces of him. As I was pulling in the drive, I saw how bare our drive-way looked without his truck ( I was driving it) and it suddenly dawned on me that this is going to become the life I must live. I know that he is not in that truck, but it was such a part of him that I'll always remember. Everyday it feels that a little more of his life is being sucked out of me, and at times it feels that some day I will be left with nothing.
The part of me that I am hurting the most is 'who I am'. I have never been one to show my emotions around others that often. I have always liked to be viewed as the strong one that can get thru anything. It's almost like if I put on this smile, I make myself believe that I am okay with whatever trial I am facing. But last night, the inside of me completely broke. I felt so alone that I ended up just laying in his truck and letting it all come out of me. This is what I do to myself- I bottle it all up and try not to think about it, but by doing this, I've learned that the breaking point is no easier. I finally went in to mom and let her see it all. I hated her to see me the way I was because whenever I hurt, she hurts twice as bad- for me. She already has enough on her hands without my sorrow.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get across tonight- I guess I've just realized that this is no longer a dream. The ache in my heart will be there as long as I live... now I just have to come to terms with it.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to us all. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

~JM~

Let the rain fall...

God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. -Revelation 21:3-4
I woke up this morning to the pouring rain, and I knew this verse was very true. Today I feel that God is mourning my loss with me- I am not alone in my sorrow. He knows how much I am hurting and today He decided to show me that He understands my loss. There are days like today that I feel I cannot go on with my life knowing that my dad will never again be a part of it. It is so easy to put on a smile and remember what it feels like to laugh when I am surrounded by people that know how to go on with their lives- but when I am alone, the reality smacks me in the face. I will never get to know my father any better, the memories that I have now are the only ones that I will have for the rest of my life- we will never make any new ones. It is so hard for me to believe this... at times I can feel myself seeking denial just so my heart can have rest for a moment. The only thing that keeps waking me up morning after morning is the Wonder of God. I believe that God allows me to hit rock-bottom everday just so I see that I can stand up again. He does not leave me there for long- I feel Him pick me up and open my eyes once again. And once He does, I can feel the 'real' me slowly seep back into place.
Nothing else will be able to lift me up besides the love of my Savior. As long as I only allow Him to keep picking me up, I will live. Everyday He allows me to walk a little furthur, and find comfort a little longer. Right now, I am relying on the plans He has for me. Obviously He does not want me beside my daddy yet- God wants me to fulfill the plans He has for me. If that means bringing glory to His name thru my times of trial- I will do it. My God is an awesome God...

I have the Phillips, Craig, & Dean Cd in my car right now and the song "Voice of the Lord" has really opened my eyes to the wonder of God.

Whose voice is this that has called me from darkness
And chose me before the foundation was laid
Whose voice is this, that calls me beloved
And tells me I’m free, and my debt has been paid
Who's voice is full of wonder
And majesty untold
And whose voice is this that is calling his children
To rise up and praise him with great shouts of joy
The voice of the Lord Is calling his children
The voice of the Lord Is shaking the earth
The voice of the Lord echoes like thunder
Is awesome in glory, Hear;
Hear the voice of the Lord

~JM~

The Reunion

A few months ago, I had heard of a book called, "90 Minutes in Heaven", and I had a driven urge to read it. Back then, the book was good and inspiring, but I never really took the time to dwell on the written words. Tonight as I was coming home, I thought, "Wouldn't it be so cool to actually have a little glimpse of what my dad is experiencing right now?" I thought back to one of the chapters in the book and thought I should share it with you.

Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed toward me, I saw the people I had known during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural! I had never imagined anyone being as happy as they all were. Their faces radiated a serenity I had never seen on Earth. All were full of life and expressed radiant joy.
He then talks about meeting his grandpa and describes it as this: My grandfather released me, and as I stared into his face, ecstatic bliss overwhelmed me. I didn't think about his heart attack or death because I couldn't get past the joy of our reunion.
I get frustrated describing what heaven was like, because I can't begin to put into words what it looked like, sounded like, and felt like- It was perfect. The gate wasn't made of pearls, but was pearlescent- perhaps irridescent may be more descriptive. The gate glowed and shimmered. I paused and stared at the glorious hues and shimmering shades. The luminescense dazzled me, and I would have been content to stay at that spot. Yet I stepped forward as if being escorted into God's presence. I paused just outside the gate, and I could see inside. It was like a city with paved streets- constructed of literal gold! Everything I saw was bright- the brightest colors my eyes had ever held- so powerful that no earthly human could take in this brilliance.

As I take in this wonder, I dream about the reunion my dad and I will one day share. To see him basking in God's glory, with that ear-to-ear smile dancing across his face- that scene will be worth every tear I have ever cried on this Earth!!! Just thinking about it gives me a sense of peace and joy that I have never felt before... I know that day may seem far off to me, but until then I'll praise God for all of the life he gave my daddy- for all of the trials, struggles, and love because that's what made him who he was. And that life he lived gave me the opportunity to be his daughter. One that will be his hands and feet for him for as long as God gives me breath.

I received a necklace from Mark & Amy that goes right along with this blog. The necklace is called, The Reunion Heart, and the poem that follows is this:

Since heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart.
I never knew how much I'd grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear,
and when I wear this necklace near
it will become my simple way
to treasure our REUNION DAY.

~JM~

Prayer Request

Every night I pray that this pain will start to lessen. My heart aches with every beat that it makes... To say I miss him like crazy would be an understatement. I'm so sick of complaining about my broken heart, but I don't know what else to say. My dad fills every thought that I have... he consumes me every day. And even though I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm at a complete loss with myself. I know his life is something that I will never get over- I will live off of his memory every day.. but right now, that is not enough. I want him- his touch, his embrace, his voice, his LIFE!! That's all I want. I want my family back, my whole family..... So whenever you get some extra time during your day, please say a little prayer for me, and for my family. God bless all of you...


But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31

He is not mine, but Yours

Right now I'm at a loss for words. God has placed so many loving, faithful people in our lives that have blessed us in ways we will never be able to explain. All of the flowers, gifts, meals, the cards that are still coming, the prayers still being said.... I feel unworthy of all of this love!! At times it is hard to accept what everyone has done, or is still doing for us because I want to be able to repay you for the love & support that you have given. I pray that someday I will be able to show all of you the love that you have shown our family. May God richly bless each and every one of you for all you have done...

Tonight as I was reading my new daily devotional that I received from a wonderful friend and cousin, I allowed myself to flip back a month to November 3. The title said, Above and Beyond Our Circumstances. And just below was a verse that was a little tough to read. From Job 2:10 it reads, We take the good days from God- why not also the bad days? Well before November 3rd, I had my life all planned out. I wanted to do this by a certain age and accomplish this a little later, but when I look back, I noticed that I never once had a 'bad day' penciled in my schedule. So many times in life, we take for granted the good days and blame God for the bad- trust me, I am so guilty of this!! Losing my dad has been so hard on me in ways that some of you may not know. The hour that I never thought I would have to face came at 1 a.m. and it knocked me down to the ground. I was so angry with God, wondering how he could take MY father and this was not MY plan, he was supposed to be here for a much longer time because I needed him. Notice that all of the captiol words involve me. I was trying to control someone that was never mine- He was God's. No matter how much you love someone, you will never be able save them from death. That is God's thing. He gives life, but He also takes it away. And that has been so hard for me to accept. I know my dad is in a much better place and I would never want to take him away from that joy & happiness, but at the same time, I would give anything to have him back. I guess what I'm trying to say is this.....God knows the beginning and end and everything else in between. And though it may be a long struggle to accept things now, one day I will know the reason- and that reason will be good because God works for the good of those who love him. Please continue to pray for our family- we have a very long road ahead of us....

God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. -Revelation 21:3-4

**"Oh Beautiful Star of Bethlehem" by The Judds was one of my dad's favorite Christmas songs so I figured I should add it to my playlist below:)

~JM~

Thankful

Thanksgiving day was kind of a drag. I just haven't really been in the 'holiday' mood... I'm finally coming out of the denial stage and am now realizing that life, as it was, will never be the same. Life will never be as full as it once was. Sometimes I find myself in the midst of something, and I suddenly stop and think- This is really real? He's not coming back? It feels impossible for me to believe that his life is done, it's over. No more memories, no more security that he'll be around to watch me grow, or to be a major influence in my children's lives, nothing. It's crazy how life can stop so instantly. Sometimes I'll glance out the window and see all the cars driving by and I wonder how they can possibly go on. The other week I was having a rough day and I told one of my good friends that I feel like everyday I get a little furthur away from him- from his voice, his smile, his heart- furthur from his memory. Each day my loss becomes more and more real because the clock keeps ticking and he's not here. I saw this saying on a stone we received that is now placed beside his grave, and the words are so true to me. It says,"It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, part of me went with you, the day God called you home." Nothing could explain the emptiness of my heart better than that.
Since we were in the Thanksgiving season.. I had some time to think about what I was really thankful for. I came up with a lot of normal things, like God, family, and friends, but what really hit me the most was memory. I am so thankful that God allows our minds to remember past experiences and to be able to capture everything that was going on around us, such as places, faces, and sense of touch. Since I am so thankful for my memories, I though I would share a couple favorites of my daddy.

1. My family and I attended a wedding together last fall of '07. At the reception, the DJ played a slow song and my dad told me the next one was ours. I can still see us dancing at that reception hall with his arms around me and the look on his face. We were talking about the future and what all it would bring, and I remember him getting a little teary-eyed and saying, "Oh Britt, I don't know how I'll ever be able to do this (giving me away). That will be so hard on me." I don't even remember what I said in return, but had I known he would never have to face that future day, I don't think I would've ever let go of his embrace. I never thought that my father-daughter dance would have to be a memory.

2. I think I would've been right around the age of 9 or 10 on this one. Anyways, I remember my parents discussing the death of a lady that had passed in her sleep, and I was terrified. That night as I was laying in bed, I remember thinking that if I went to sleep I might die too (yes, I know I was silly!). So I walked out to the living room where my parents were still awake, and I told my dad that I was scared to fall asleep. I remember being embarressed about my reason, but I told him that I was scared I was gonna die like that lady. I don't remember his exact words, but I do know that he told me something like as long as I believed in Jesus and served him with a whole heart that I had nothing to worry about. Jesus will never leave your side wherever you may go. He is a God of love and grace, not a God of fear. He then took me back to my bed, held my hand, and slept beside me until I fell asleep. My dad's love for me was unconditional, just as our Heavenly Father's love is for us.

3. CSI/ESPN. He LOVED watching this show. I think it's even still set on DVR on our tv. Many nights I would come home to find him stretched out on the couch with his arms beneath his head- no blankets or anything- and most likely he would be wearing his favorite worn-out navy gym shorts with a t-shirt on and watching ESPN or CSI. (As you can tell, he was set in his ways. I could tell you his schedule right off the top of my head and 99.9% of the time, I would be correct). Some nights I would crawl in beside him and we would watch an episode or game together until we both fell asleep. On those nights, my heart would feel so full. There is something about a father's love that can take away any pain, hurt, worry, or fear, that a girl ever has; that's exactly what he did for me.

4. His beloved hammock. We gave it to him this past Father's Day, and he absolutely adored that thing. During the summer, when I came home from work, I would see his feet just peeking up over the top, stretched out like he normally was, and relaxing. Everday he would rest in that thing after he was done working outside. The spot was perfect for a hammock too- right under two big shade trees with the pond off to the side, and a bird feeder nearby- the view was beautiful and he loved it. He loved being outdoors!!! He never let me or mom do any of the mowing or yardwork because he loved it- and he did a much better job at it:) Just gazing out into the backyard, I can see him in every bit of it. That's one place that I will always feel close to him because that is where he spent the majority of his time. What's crazy is that he had just planted me a tree no more than two weeks before his death, and you'll never guess what kind of tree it was. A weeping willow, what a coincidence!!

Of course these are only a few of my many memories, but they are the first ones that came to mind. As time passes on, I'm sure I'll come across many more that can be stored away for my comfort. I'm so thankful that by these memories God so richly blessed me with, I will forever be able to keep him alive in my mind and continue to share them with the ones I love!!

~JM~

Update on Briona's surgery

This evening, Briona underwent an abscess surgery. An abscess is a collection of pus that has accumulated in a cavity formed by the tissue on the basis of an infectious process (usually caused by bacteria or parasites). She has been in a great amount of pain lately, so we pray that this surgery will heal her in a short and pain-free amount of time. She is being kept overnight at the hospital tonight- the doctors want to make sure there is no bleeding and that the draining process is cooperating. She should be able to come home tomorrow morning if everything goes smoothly. Please continue to pray for her, she has been quite the little trooper!!!Right after surgery...

This evening at 5 p.m., I did something I NEVER thought I would do. Tattoos never really interested me, but the day my dad was gone I put some thought into it. I ended up getting his initials, JM, put on my right ring finger. Every time I look down, I am reminded of the father that will never walk on this Earth again. In my eyes I see the strongest man, with his smile that would lighten anyone's day, and his loving arms that could erase any doubt in my mind- I never want that image to fade. My dad will forever live on in my heart, but now he will also live in every move that I make, every hand that I hold, every touch that I sense... He will always be a part of me- and that is the exact purpose of this tattoo. It is for me; I did not do it to offend anyone, or to get attention. I wanted this to remind me that no matter where I am, he will always be in my life- in my joy, my sorrows, my success, my times of trial, and in every year that I age... His life touched me in a way that I want to live the rest of my days honoring his legacy that he left behind!!!

I received a card that had the meaning of James and it meant "Successor" - the verse that goes along with James is this: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:8) The J in my life will stand for success- for every dream he accomplished in his lifetime, and for every dream I accomplish in mine. My dad only knew success- the word fail was not in his vocabulary because he didn't settle for loss. Seeing this has taught me to go after life in full force- he left me with nothing but strong will and good courage. How blessed my life will continue to be just because he lived, and lived to the fullest. I guess God just needed his success more that I did- and one day I will know they reason why:) Miller stands for "a man wearing armor"- my dad had an armor made of steel!! I find the name James Miller to be amazingly fitting for the man that he was. God knew exactly what He was doing when my dad came into this world- He knew of the success and armor my dad would endure throughout this life. God also knew that one day soon He would bless our family with the opportunity to carry on the meaning of his life. James Miller did not stop living on November 3, 2008- his new life with God had just begun & his old life on this Earth will continue to be of success until my final breath.

Love always...

~JM~

Love Letter from my Angel

After this dreadful month of November, I pray with all of my heart that I will never have to hear the words, ER, EVER again!!!! Poor Briona is making a trip into the ER right now (11:39 p.m.) She hasn't been feeling well these past couple of days- but after this visit I'm sure everything will be fine. Please say a little prayer for her healing in these next couple of days... I'm not sure how much more hurt my heart can handle:) I guess I've always had a 'motherly-love' for my sweet little girls- every time they hurt, I ache...

I have been given this neat wooden box that says, Daddy's girl, from my wonderful class of 2007 as a gift that will hold some of my most valued memories of my dad. A couple weeks ago, I went thru boxes & boxes of letters that I had accumulated throughout the years (yes, I'm a pack-rat!) and I set aside any letter written from my dad. I had all of these letters in a pile, scattered about my end table, so tonight I thought I should go thru them and put all of them into the box. I had read each letter previously, probably about 10 times, but I wanted to read over them again tonight just to engrave his words on my heart. Well the miraculous thing was, as I was going thru each letter, I came across an envelope that had, Britt, written on the front- I don't recall this letter ever being in my pile, but tonight it faithfully found its way, it says:

Britt,
Here's hoping you are having a great time. Just want to drop you a note to tell you I LOVE YOU & MISS YOU VERY VERY MUCH. YOU ARE SPECIAL to me. I really appreciate you as a daughter and as a person who has a very good heart. I want to encourage you to keep the high morals I know you have, you'll never be sorry. Also Britt it makes me proud when so many people tell me how much they think of you & how beautiful you are, and you are georgeous. So have a good time & enjoy and I'll see ya when you get home. Be careful sweetheart.
LOVE YA,
Dad

Can I just say that I've never heard of a more awesome God than the God I serve.. And that God could not have blessed me with a more perfect father than the one He chose just for me. When I read this letter, many thoughts go thru my head. Is he telling me to have a good time on this Earth and to enjoy life? Yes:)!! And when he wrote this, did he mean home as in his home in heaven??? He might've not meant that at the time, but what's awesome is that it serves the same purpose, since his home is in heaven now. This letter could not have been written more perfectly- my dad's heart shines thru in everything he wants to get across to me. He loves and misses me, I'm special to him, he appreciates me, he sets standards for me, he encourages me, I'm beautiful in his eyes, he's proud, enjoy life, he'll see me in heaven, and to be careful- not just physically, but also spiritually. I don't know if anyone else could have written a more beautiful letter to me!!!

My dad is and forever will be My Everything. He was never 'just a father' to me, but everything: my strength, my inspiration, my success, my hope, love, faith, laughter, seeker, & encourager. But just because he is no longer here on this Earth, does not mean that these characteristics will be of a limited amount. All I have to do is look in the mirror (I have the Miller hair; his nose), re-run his memories that are locked in my heart, sort thru my beloved Daddy's girl box, or simply just....REMEMBER.

I'll see ya when I get home, daddy.
All my love...
~JM~

The Constant Battle

I finally made the mistake I knew was bound to happen. I pressed 2 on my phone- Dad is my #2 speed-dial. I wanted to be able to press Send so bad; but I knew better. It's funny how the word, dad, used to bring the biggest smile to my face- it filled me with such joy and happiness, but now all that's left is gut-wrenching pain, emptiness, loss, and denial... The shock is starting to wear off and it leaves me with reality. The reality that my dad will never walk thru this house again, never be there to answer my phone call when I've had a rough day, never stand out in the crowd at Bri and Bay's games, never be there with arms wide open- He will never see the lives of his favorite girls played out....Never??! I've been hopefully wishing that this was still a dream- I want to wake up from this nightmare, but my eyes are already open. I want to wake up without swollen eyes, without this undescribable pain, but there is no rest... Every day there is a constant battle raging within me, a battle that is fighting for the strength of God for me to cling to. There are times when I feel like I'm being tackled- I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, all I can think about is how the strongest man I've ever known is laying in the ground and never coming back.
All that my heart is able to do right now is trust in God and pray that this raging storm within me will soon be gone...


Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Re-Living his last day..

This morning at 1 a.m. marked the 2-week anniversary of my dad's passing. For those of you that don't know the details of what went on that day, here it is...

I woke up to my phone ringing at 8:50 a.m., Sunday morning. I had spent the night at Meredith's and overslept; I missed church with my family and the last opportunity to ever spend time with my dad. My family went to church at Providence that morning, and right after went home so my dad could leave for the big game. He had been talking about this game for a couple weeks and was sooo excited to see the new stadium and to watch that game. You could say he was a die-hard fan of the Colts:) They left around noon that day to go tailgating and to get some extra time to walk around the new stadium. I got home around 12:30 p.m. and laid down to take what turned out to be a 2 1/2 hour nap:) I woke up around 3 and had a missed call from dad. I called him back and we talked for about 5 minutes. Of course, he was encouraging me to keep my head up (I had a rough week in school) and to do my best- that is all he ever asked of me. We finished the conversation with him asking how the little girls were doing, and finally he said, "I love you." If only I knew those would be the last words I would ever hear from him. Later that night, me, mom, Bri, and Bay were playing some games and watching the game. They all went to sleep around 10 p.m., but I stayed up to finish the game. Thankfully, he texted each of the girls and got to say goodnight & I love you before they fell asleep. At 11:15, I texted dad this message, "So glad you got to see an awesome game. Go Colts!! Love you daddy!!" He responded with the same... I think back to that moment and wonder what exactly was going thru his mind.. Did he know that was the very last time he would ever get to respond to me? Did the thought ever cross his mind that he might not make it all the way home that night??

The home phone rang at 12:30 a.m.- the phone call we didn't know that would soon change our lives. Mom answered. The call was from Marv Wagler, one of my dad's buddies he had went to the game with. The only thing she found out from the call was that dad had had what they thought was a heart attack, and that he was at the Martinsville hospital- they said bring the girls and get here as fast as you can. The whole way to the hospital, we were praying and crying- hoping this was just a wake-up call. But as soon as we walked in the ER doors, 3 doctors were there to greet us. Seconds later I heard my mom's screams; I could no longer feel anything, not my heart, not my tears, not even my pain. A part of me died right there with my dad, a part of myself I will never get back.

My dad died of a massive heartattack at 1 a.m. early Monday morning. The passengers riding in the car with my dad heard him gasping for air and making weird noises at 12:25 a.m. Thankfully, he had been sleeping. Right away they pulled over to a gas station and began performing CPR. What a coincidence that a nurse was at the station and knew what to do and that the hospital was not even a mile away. An ambulance came right away and tried to bring him back. They said they got a pulse for maybe 30 seconds, but they believe he had died right there, sleeping in the back of Marv's truck. He was only 51 years old, and had been to our family doctor the previous Thursday for his blood-pressure check-up. That day, he told the nurse he had never felt better.

Knowing all of this information, I wonder where it could've went wrong. He had been to the doctor 4 days before, he had friends around that heard him struggling, a nurse was at the station, and the hospital was also visible from them..... We, as humans, always think it will never be us; we think we have control over our lives, but we have none. God provides our every breath- He is the author of our lives- He gives,...but he also takes away. I may never know the reason why he took my dad so early, but I do know this. He blessed me with 19 years with a father that gave me the life some little girls dream about, He gave me a father that will live on in me until my last breath, and He gave me the promise that, in heaven, I can dance with him FOREVER. :))

These are the coals left from their tailgate cooking 2 weeks ago, November 2, 2008.

His seat & jacket...

~Remember James~

January 13, 1957- November 3, 2008

Go rest high on that mountain...

Today is mom's 45th birthday (I know she would kill me if she read this!) and we are without you... Dad- you would be sooo thrilled to have seen Briona & Baleigh's first basketball games. When I watch them out there- I see you. Briona is your aggressive one, she was the one you would always see all over the floor. You wouldn't believe how tall she is getting, she's gonna be the all-star you always dreamed about!! Baleigh, my goodness, you wouldn't have recognized her from last year's games. She is your scorer- she made the first basket at the game this morning and her confidence is finally becoming visible. I hope you know how much you are in them while they're out on the floor- I told them to play for daddy, and that's exactly what they are doing! I hope Jesus gave you a little peak this morning- it would give you that much more to praise Him for... even though you already are:) God blessed our family so much while you were still here on Earth. I wish with all of my heart that we could go back, just for a day, to see how much we really had together. But, I guess that is the beauty of heaven... when our family gets to be together again. I've never felt this much pain, daddy. I always thought it was the end of the world when I had a broken heart from a boy or a friend... but nothing compares to this!! Even though you are gone, you still give me inspiration. I see all of the lives you touched and it puts me in awe. You were really something:) I know you were always the one to say this, but I am so proud of you, dad- for living life to its fullest and for making me who I am today.

We got a surprise this week.. 4 Colts tickets for tomorrow!!! We all get to re-live your last day, and guess what else, our seats are the exact seats you got to sit in!! I know it's going to be so hard tomorrow, but I will lean on God's understanding and not my own.

My prayer for tomorrow is this: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Go rest high on that mountain

Son, your work on Earth is done

Go to heaven a shoutin'

Love for the Father & the Son...

All my love, daddy...

Struggling...but there is a reason

This morning, I woke up with a bitter heart and attitude. Everything just dampened my spirits... I know that is not the way to go, but today I felt like life just down right hated me. I'm behind on homework (tons of it), I'm not home to be beside my mom and sisters, and I'm not in the mood to do anything, there's just a huge hole in my heart that should be filled with my dad. But as I was driving down the road (I found this new Christian radio station that I LOVE! 93.5??) this song came on that touched me and quieted my soul. It's called "There is a Reason". Everything on this Earth happens for a reason- God will give and take away, but it's all part of his perfect plan.

Late at night I wonder why

sometimes I’m so tired I don’t even try

seems everything around me fails

but I hold on to the promise

that there is a reason

He makes all things good

He makes all things good

there’s a time to live and a time to die

a time for wonder and to wonder why

cause there is a reason

there is a reason

there is a reason

for the lonely nights

and broken hearts

the widow's mite

in the rich man's hand

and the continent

whose blood becomes a traitor

for the child afraid to close their eyes

the prayers that seem unanswered

there is a reason

there is a reason

Mark & Adam came over tonight and lifted my spirits!.. We all watched the CMAs and were able to talk and just hang out- those can be the best nights.. After that we went to watch a volleyball game, and Lord, I must say I've never laughed so much during a game. The team consisted of a lot of boys I grew up with, and they don't have the slightest clue how to play! Anyways, I got the absolute sweetest suprise tonight... A beautiful boquet of white & pink calla lillies- and if you don't know me, I absolutely LOVE flowers:) I'll put a picture of them up!! To the good part: It has always been a dream of mine to learn to play the guitar. I have been nagging Adam to teach me to play a song, so recently I've been thinking of a couple of my favorites to try to learn to play. But since my daddy's been gone, the guitar had slipped my mind...until tonight. Adam wrote me the most beautiful song, and its titled "Daddy's Girl."

You meant so much to me

Loving me with all your heart

Nothing seems to be the same

Now that we're apart

I know you're in heaven

still watching over me

I will make you proud

with everything that you see

(Chorus) Always been daddy's girl

Changing that, I had no chance

I was your Cinderella

Someday we'll have our dance

Everyone's days are numbered

Who knew you had so few

Treasured memories now

are my days spent with you

(Chorus)

Can't wait to see you again

Heaven's ticket is one-way

until I am granted mine

in my heart you'll always stay

(Chorus)

Isn't that the most beautiful thing?? I can't wait to learn it:)!!!

I thought I might as well add some pics from Halloween. (if you can't tell- i've recently become obsessed with picnik!!)

So, tomorrow is a brand new day. My God already knows what tomorrow will bring- it's just up to me to follow His plan... He will work for the good of those who love Him:)

All my love daddy...

E.X.H.A.U.S.T.I.O.N.

Today was my first day back to school, and boy, was it exhausting! Before I headed back to Evansville, I stopped by my dad's grave and I had a nice little chit-chat with him:) I would give anything to spend just one more minute with him, but I know if I had that opportunity one minute would never be long enough. It seems so unfair ( i know, i know- life is unfair) but I just have to ask, "Why God, why now?" Couldn't it have waited a few more years... There were so many things he didn't get to do, so many future memories turned upside down. The only thought that gives me rest is his happiness at this exact moment. And knowing that he is in heaven means so much more to me than my own selfish comfort.

I have never felt more exhausted in my life. Today, while I was tutoring my 1st graders, I felt like someone else was running my body. I felt like a zombie just going thru the motions. (Of course, they were the wildest group today:) But, I'm pressing on. It would be so easy to quit and let go of all I've ever worked for- what my dad has taught me. For him, I will accomplish everything I have ever dreamed about. Thank goodness I've still got my stubborness- and yes, that would be the Miller coming out in me:)

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

(one of my favorite verses)

I heard this song on the way to school today, and it made me think that no matter where I am, as long as I keep carrying my dad's love with me (his memory) he will forever be alive in my heart.

On a lonely highway stuck out in the rain

Daddy all I have to do, is speak your name

The clouds roll back and the waters part

The sun starts shinin' in my heart for you

Youre right there in everything I do...cause

I'm carrying your love with me

Me & Dad on Opening Day of softball (June 2008). We coached 12U softball together...what a great year!!!

Mom & Dad's 24th Anniversary, August 11, 2008. The little girls & I cooked their favorite foods- which included, steak & shrimp, and some "Amish" food:) One of my favorite memories...

The Vision!!...

This morning us girls -me, mom, Bri, and Bay- went to Providence with all of mom's family and then to the Miller's for lunch. Shawn did an amazing job on the sermon. It was titled, "Living with certainty in uncertain times." He basically reminded us that God is in control over everything, from our physical needs to the government to our very own circumstances that life takes us thru. Because life holds uncertain situations, we are given the opportunity to respond. Shawn talked about building your life on the right foundation, because when life pulls the rug out from under us, the way we respond is determined by the foundation we built our lives upon.
Anyways, I wanted to share an amazing vision my Aunt Sue had this morning...
At the Miller dinner this afternoon, we had a moment of silence just to reflect and listen to God. During this time, the Lord gave my aunt a vision. She repeated over and over that it was not her imagination, but God really placed it in her hands. She felt that God had laid this on her heart to share with us...
She saw my dad entering the glorious gates of heaven and the marvelous look on his face!!!! She said that he looked as if he was leaping with joy, with excitement filling him because of what he was about ready to do.. Enter into God's glory.
All I could think of at that moment was, Praise God- He is ever so faithful!!!

The verse that went along with today's sermon was this:
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. - 1 Corinthians 10:13

Every day I awaken to see how very blessed I am. I was given 19 beautiful years with a father that loved me more than life- he was my everything- my comfort, my shelter, my provider, my best friend, my inspiration, my encouragment... and now my very own angel. I have a mother that is one of the strongest I know. She has a heart so big that could take this whole world in to love and comfort them; that is how she has always been. Her love for me is endless, and I am blessed to share a very special friendship with her. God has also given me two of the most precious sisters that I could never imagine living without. Not only are they my sisters, but on early Monday morning when my daddy was taken... they also became my daughters. I know I will never fill in the footsteps of my dad- my feet are WAY too small- but I believe they should have everything that I had as a teenager, and that includes two parents. To my friends & family- life without you right now would feel hopeless... Please continue to pray for us this week- it will be one of the toughest.

~In Loving Honor of James Miller~

God works for the good..

It's so hard to go on without him. Mom & I have been with the Miller & Wagler (mom's) family for most of the weekend and everytime I look around, my eyes want to see him sitting there being the "life of the party" as he normally was. He never knew a stranger:) I think my heart is in denial for the time being. It's like I can't think of him being gone or my body will just shut down. Staying busy helps, but like this morning at my Aunt Ada's, I just wanted to be home; that is the only place I'm comfortable right now. I don't know what I'll do on Monday- I'm going to need some major prayers to return to school. Even though I was away from home, my dad always wanted me to call him each time after night class to make sure I got back safely, and he was ALWAYS the first person I would call after I would get any test scores back. He was my inspiration to do my best. I don't want to leave mom and the little girls, either. It kills me to think of them returning to "normal" life without me being there. Please continue to pray for us, I know this coming week will be very hard...

Tonight I actually had a pretty good night, even with laughter:) What life-saving friends!! Let's see who was all here... Brooke, Cherlyn, Meredith, Tye, Garrett, Mark (sorry if i forgot anyone) and then some family members. It was great to just hang out and play "Imagine If" -- I don't know what I would do without all of these friends in my life. Lately I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so much love. God Bless all of you guys...


Shawn read this verse at the service and it has given me some hope to trudge thru this disasterous time...
And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8: 28

All my love daddy.
~James Miller~

The Lord is my stronghold..

Well, the viewing and funeral are finally behind us. I still can't believe he is really gone, I just keep thinking he's at work or out running errands. At night is when it hits me the most- I'm so used to going upstairs to kiss him goodnight- but all I see is an empty spot that should still be filled. Me and mom have been sleeping in their bed, clinging to eachother for the strength to go on. I remember the first night we were alone without him, I thought there is absolutely no way we will ever make it through the week because mom & I were both bawling for what seemed like hours with no sleep from the night before (being in Martinsville @ the hospital) and then around 4 a.m. Monday night, my aunt & I took mom to the ER because her blood pressure was way too high and she was having panic attacks. So we went about 48 hours without any sleep!

The viewing was absolutely amazing!! He would truly be touched to know how many people loved him. I think we estimated around 1300 people going thru on Wednesday night. The funeral was so touching too; the church was packed! I want to thank everyone who made all of this possible- I have never seen so much love & support in my life. It's like God just reached down and poured his love on us.. For those that were not at the funeral, I got up to share with the congregation something I had written for my dad. The whole day my hands had been shaking and my heart was racing because I absolutely hate to get up in front of a large crowd and speak! But as soon as Shawn motioned for me to come up, I felt this peace within me, like I was no longer alone, but God was in me. He was allowing me to walk up to the podium, he gave me the strength to speak, and he allowed me not to break down completely. This is what I wrote:
I could never have asked God to bless me with a more loving and devoted father. I can still feel those strong arms wrapped around me while saying goodnight and see his proud eyes watching every step I took as a young girl. I never once had to doubt his love for me- even when I struck out looking during a softball game or got into a minor accident in my car. His love for us was endless, and for that I will forever be grateful. From early on God had a plan for our family- He knew this day would come and how hard it would be to let go, but I believe that is the reason why He blessed us so unconditionally with all of the love and memories we got to share. Our family's life together was something to celebrate and when I close my eyes, I can still see the family we were with him. Even though God has called him to a better place, his legacy here on this Earth will forever live on- it will be in Mom's love and determination, my laughter, Briona's energy, Baleigh's spunk, and in all of the hearts of the many lives that he touched. My dad was a loving brother, husband, father, friend, co-worker, and coach. Words cannot describe how greatly he will be missed.
I love you with all of my heart daddy, and I promise you that -as a family- we will fulfill every dream you ever had for us. I will forever be your Cinderella and I cannot wait for that first dance with you in heaven.

I must be honest- Monday morning, on the way to the hospital, I never thought God would allow this to happen to our family. I kept saying, "Mom, why would God place all the right people around him (nurses & friends) at the exact moment that it happened; they were there for a reason." I just thought it could never happen- he was so young & healthy & full of life! Besides, I had just texted him a couple hours earlier (little did I know that would be the last time I ever got to say, "I love you, daddy.") But as soon as we walked in the hospital doors and heard the news, I went completely numb. My heart especially. I was so mad at God for doing this. He wasn't ready to go- he had 3 young girls to provide for and a wife to care for.... I thought God was heartless and just down right mean. But as I prayed a million prayers and wept until my eyes were so swollen that I could no longer see- my heart knew the answer. God is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end. He is and was and always will be. He has a will for our lives and it WILL be carried out. He blessed our lives by placing him in our family, and now He is celebrating life with my daddy where there is no more pain, hurt, tears, or burdens. What a beautiful vision:)!!